(edited by Jenosavel.1756)
I am really enjoying your story so far! The guild wars universe has such potential as a writer’s playground; it’s so nice to see someone who can craft a good story! You’ve also managed to hit a sweet spot for me with this latest chapter – I find the strange relationship between the Asura and Sylvari races very interesting.
Although, in my own travels around Tyria, I’ve happened to spot a red-crystal golem or two, and it’s never a good sign…I noticed your other subtle hints about this as well. Methinks Malomedies could have been a bit more specific in his teachings…
The rather clueless sylvari crowd was entertaining
One thing that jarred me a little when I was reading (and believe me, I wouldn’t bother critiquing if I didn’t think your story was worth the effort)- This line: “The joy in their faces was lost on the asura, however. Her mouth tightened to a thin line…”
Because “asura” is both singular and plural, I had a moment where I had to figure out who “her” was. At first, I thought you meant the group of asura that was there. Small thing, but probably an easy fix if you’re into post-editing.
Another note (and maybe this is a personal preference), be careful with the dog. Animal companions in writing are tricky; I’ve seen many authors OVERwrite the animal in a attempt to endear them to the reader, but it winds up having the opposite effect. Displaying the animal’s actions and emotions is also a tough task, because it can lead to scenes that feel a bit… juvenile. Perhaps less is more? I wish I could give you some real advice about this, but the truth is, if there are any hard and fast rules about writing animal companions, then I don’t know them :/
I’ve been working on my own GW “novel” lately, so I had to laugh when I saw this on your website: “You got X wrong in the lore!” Haha, even with a “creative liberties” attitude, doesn’t it just haunt you sometimes that someone’s going to jump out and shout “wrong Wrong WRONG!” :P
Anyway, great work on this! I look forward to reading more.
(Disclaimer I leave on all my reviews: If you never hear from me again, it’s not you. No, your story doesn’t suddenly suck. If I review you once, it means your a good writer – if I never review you again, it means I’m a bad reviewer.)
(edited by Jenosavel.1756)
Lots of interesting things going on this chapter! The sylvari ghost was certainly…sad/creepy/intriguing. Ah, I see the Easter reference – nice.
I am so glad that Laurel feels the need to rescue Liath; I felt so bad for him, and I was half afraid she would forget about him! Who knows, maybe he will be allowed to just grow his little garden in peace? …no? Too much to ask for? :P
And our innocent sylvari is now a murderer….hmmm. Hmm. Hmmmmmmmmm….bit of a big change for a character; I think you’re handling it well, though. Not callous or vengeful yet, but traumatized. I admit I like this as an opportunity to see Laurel grow as a person a little more – there are times when I have difficulty trying to figure out what she’s thinking/feeling.
Swamps are delightfully eerie in this game, aren’t they? I love that I can recognize the places in your story from the game – without being outright told place names. Good job on the descriptions!
Rescue mission: Hooo!
Thank you Kitcat! I really love hearing reader thoughts like this. It’s hard to be a good little author over here and keep my mouth shut about what will or will not happen, but I am determined. *zips mouth*
Woot! Another chapter is added. This is where I get to start playing with character development for the first time.
(edited by Jenosavel.1756)
Thank you! <3 It really warms my heart to hear that. And while I’m sure it’ll be sad to see this story end, at least it’s good that it’ll have an end and won’t just dwindle away forever. 
I’m putting a lot of work into my ending, I hope it can live up to the rest of the story!
Endings are hard to write well... but I started editing the final chapter today. Chapters 11, 12, and 13 are being edited simultaneously so I can jump around and try getting all my ducks in a row.
(edited by Edusd.7893)
Thank you Jeconiah! I always feel like my prose is still a bit weak, and that I’m struggling through character development. The initial plotting of my arcs is the easiest part; the rest I just have to rehash over and over until it starts to look readable. Some chapters got by with only 2 drafts, but some of them needed 4 or 5 drafts before they got to where the are.
It makes me really happy to know that you like where its at. I am indeed a reader, but with a huge stack of must-reads and not nearly as much time as I’d like to sink into them. I’ll stick The Vagrant Chronicle on my list and hope I can find you again to comment when I finally get the chance to read it.
Ahh, such a relief to have the rescue mission underway! And successfully, too (or, sorta. I happened to like her woefully deceased “shy friend.” I suppose it’s GW2 tradition to off these pleasant people, though XD ).
And from the last chapter I wanted to mention: for (I’m assuming) side characters, the vigil group certainly are a charming bunch.
Also, there was one cut-scene I wanted to bring up: Now, I truly am a fan of the cut-scene. It cuts through the technicalities that a reader might not even care about, it lets everybody get on with the story, and lord knows it saves the writer some work. I use them whenever I can…maybe too much. One of my beta readers read my stuff recently and said something to the effect of: “Yeah, this is really great, you’re really good…um, so what happened from point A to point B here?” …..ugh. She was right though, so now I’m thinking I might actually do the unthinkable and edit. Shudder. ANYWAY, how this relates to you: I’m just really, really curious about what happens after the fight with the destroyers.
So maybe, possibly, if you’re bored one day and want to write a fill-in-the-gap short story…
OH! And I also wanted to comment on your art: It’s wonderful! I love how full of character it is!
I ended up falling in love with his voice acting in the stories. It had just the right mix of childish enthusiasm and professional sincerity. There was a lot less of the sneering superiority I was used to. It felt out of place for an asura, but I liked it. And thus came to me the idea of little Agghi …
(possible spoiler, I guess. None of this backstory is directly touched on in Leaves and Embers, though you might want to get to know him naturally first)
... too honest and humble to make it far in asuran society (not to mention he has a girl's name). Turned down by every krewe for offending the colleges on his passing through them (quit one, flunked out of another), and finally finding a place for research within the Durmand Priory. If he's a bit too eager, it's only because he wants to make a name for himself and prove everyone else wrong.
Thank you for posting some of Agghi’s backstory! I’d be lying if I said Agghi wasn’t quickly becoming one of my favorites. Haha, I was wondering about his name. Someone’s parents were expecting something a little more on the female side, perhaps? And I absolutely agree with you about the voice acting; in fact, I think it’s the best one in-game, for the reasons you mention.
I’m really curious to see how Laurel’s hunt plays into everything, too. As always, thanks for writing!
Thanks for the kind words and reader’s insights! It’s always so nice to hear what you’re thinking as you go along.
I’m actually kind of surprised by the reaction people are having to my cut scene there. You’re not the first to ask me what might go in that blank. It’s probably one of the first places I’ll flesh in more next time I get around to writing on this piece (which will likely not be for a while, I think I need to let it rest for a bit now).
Agghi’s just a little bundle of amusement for me, and he’s got quite a bit of back story to him as well. I’ve been toying around with super short-shorts for him on tumblr. If you liked that little synopsis you might like these two short Agghi journals in particular:
- How Agghi got his name
- Agghi’s college (mis)adventures
There are also a few "research papers" for the Priory on more taboo subjects in there, because there just isn’t any research he’s afraid of.
Edit: 
I promise the final chapter is coming. Literally an hour before I would have posted the final chapter I had a boot drive failure. Thankfully my data harddrives are separate from my boot drive, so the fic is safe and sound and complete... I just can’t access it to post it at the moment.
I’ll keep you updated.
(edited by Jenosavel.1756)
Congratulations on completing your novel! Wow, that must feel great – and you should definitely be proud!
I think you’ve told a great story – and I was realizing that as I was thinking about your characters at the end and how I like them better now than at the beginning (which is the whole point, anyway). They’ve been through a lot, but now as I think about them in their world, they seem “fuller;” wiser, more deserving of respect.
I loved the sylvari Niahm’s advice; a nice way to end the epilogue. Did that “cycle of noon casts the sharpest shadows” stuff come from in-game, or is that an original? It’s very good.
Thanks for pointing me towards Agghi’s journal! His anecdotes are delightful.
Again, thanks for all the time and work you put into writing this so that us readers could come along on the adventure with you!
(edited by Kitcat.1739)