Guild Wars 2

The Elementalist

I was really little when I started living with Ms Bleakblade.
She always told me to call her Helgi when I was small. But I’m grown up now, and grown-ups call their elders by their last names. That’s what my friend Kyrean always tells me. It’s okay for me to call him Kyrean instead of Mr Bleakblade, because he isn’t very much older than me. He says that makes it okay to use his first name. I don’t really understand, but I believe Kyrean. Also, we lived together for a long time. He calls me his kid sister sometimes, but he always laughs when he says it. I wish it was true that he was my real brother. I don’t have any real brothers, or any sisters. I was all by myself for a long time.
I’m happy I’m not alone anymore.
I was eight years old, I think. At least, that’s what Kyrean told me. I was eight years old when I came to live with him, and with Ms Bleakblade. I had a house before that. I had my parents before that. I had my own bedroom. I even had some toys, for a while. They were dolls my daddy had got me in the city. I spent a lot of time playing with the dolls, making pretend. That’s what kids do, Ms Bleakblade told me. After I came to live with her, and with Kyrean, she got me more dolls to play pretend with. Playing pretend is something kids do. It’s not right for grown-ups to play with dolls. I don’t understand that, either.
My favorite thing to do was to play pretend with my dolls. I had one doll who looked like a princess. I named her Jennah, after our Princess Jennah. I saw Princess Jennah one time, when I was really really little. Before I knew how to walk like a lady. Before I wasn’t allowed to go out anymore. I saw her, in the city with her mama, and a whole lot of men with armor and weapons. The king was there too, and I saw him, but I remember Jennah the most. She looked so pretty in her gown and her crown. Her hair was darker than mine, a lot darker. I wished I could be like her, with so many people looking at me and telling me I was pretty. My mama always told me I was pretty. I knew I wasn’t as pretty as Princess Jennah, though.
It was only a little while after I saw Princess Jennah that I wasn’t allowed to go outside anymore. I had to stay in my room, and play with my dolls. I didn’t understand, but that was okay. I don’t understand a lot of things. I had my dolls, and I could play pretend. In my room I went on all sorts of adventures with Princess Jennah. We went all over Tyria, fighting monsters and saving people who would tell us how pretty we were together.
I had another doll. She had yellow hair, like me. She didn’t wear pretty clothes, but she had armor and a sword. I named her Valyne. My family is named after the hero Valyne. She’s my great-great-great (lots of greats) grandma. The real Valyne killed lots of dragons, a long long time ago. She was really famous, and there’s some songs about her. I used to be able to sing some of them, but I forgot all the words. My doll Valyne and my doll Jennah were best friends, and they let me go adventuring with them.
I don’t know how long I was in my room like that. Only me, and my dolls, and my pretend adventures. It felt like a really long time. I didn’t get to see other kids. My mama only talked to me a little bit, when she gave me breakfast and a water pitcher and then again at night when she gave me supper and left a candle. I didn’t see daddy very much. He had busy work in the city. Mama said he was a noble, and that nobles have lots to do. Mama was noble too, but daddy was more noble. I didn’t understand that, and I wish I got to see my daddy more. I remember how big his arms were. As big as the world. When daddy hugged me, I knew everything would be okay. I knew there wasn’t monsters in my closet at night. I knew it was okay that I was in my room all the time. I wish I got to see my daddy more.
It was a doll daddy gave me that made all the trouble. It was the last one he ever gave me. It was a doll of a dragon. It was big and scary-looking, with angry eyes and sharp claws, and a mouth wide open full of biting teeth. It scared me at first, but I had Valyne with me. Valyne slayed dragons all her life, until one of them slayed her too. The dragon wasn’t as scary anymore, as long as I had Valyne there to fight it. Valyne protected me and Jennah from the dragon. We had lots of pretend fights in my room, running from the dragon, or chasing it.

-cont-

These games never felt the same. They didn’t, because I put the dragon somewhere, and then we played running from it. That isn’t what dragons do. When I was really small, when I could still go outside, my mama told me about dragons. She told me that dragons were always angry, and that they chased you and breathed fire. And that they could fly. Dragons could fly, and they could chase you, and that’s why they were so hard to fight. That’s what made Valyne so special, for fighting them.
When I played games where we ran from the dragon, I always felt a little bit scared. I sometimes forgot that it was only a doll. I forgot that it was only a game. I made myself cry sometimes, because I got so scared of the dragon. It was fun still, but a different kind of fun. It was a scary kind of fun. Because when we ran from the dragon, it didn’t stay where I put it. That isn’t what dragons do. A dragon would fly and chase after us. And it did.
Mama found me with the flying dragon. She was really, really angry. She made me sit on my bed and tell her how the dragon was flying. I didn’t understand why she was asking. Dragons fly, she told me so when I was smaller. Dolls don’t fly, mama told me. Jennah and Valyne don’t fly. They aren’t dragons! Only dragons can fly.
Daddy came to my room that night, and he took all my dolls away. He told me dolls shouldn’t fly, and it’s bad if they do. I shouldn’t have them if they fly. Jennah and Valyne don’t fly, but he took them too. He took all my dolls away, and he left me in my room by myself. I sat on my bed for a long time alone. I cried a lot.
I was alone in my room for a long time. Mama had guests who visited, but I wasn’t allowed to come downstairs. I could hear her talking with them sometimes. When they asked where I was, mama told them I was sick. I didn’t understand why mama would lie to her guests. She always told me lying was very bad. She told me people who told lies would get their toenails burnt off by Balthazar.
Our neighbor Ms Bleakblade was mama’s guest one day. I always liked Ms Bleakblade, before I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. She gave me candies when she saw me in the city with mama, and one time she gave me a whole pie for my birthday. Ms Bleakblade was old, and I called her granny. She wasn’t really my granny, but it was fun to play pretend with a grown-up. Ms Bleakblade had a very big voice.
I could hear when she asked my mama where I had been. Ms Bleakblade had a very big voice. Mama told her more things, words I didn’t understand. Mama’s voice was bigger too. Metally paired. Hanny capped. Sinned roam. Reetarred. I didn’t understand the words mama said about me, but her voice was much bigger. I don’t think she was telling a lie this time. Ms Bleakblade’s voice got bigger, and so did mama’s. Mama was talking about the neighbors, and her friends. Ms Bleakblade was talking about me. Then Ms Bleakblade left. She closed the door of our house very hard. I thought mama would come talk to me, but she didn’t. I felt so alone then. I felt like something was wrong with me, to make mama so angry.
My tears didn’t go away when I cried them.
They fell onto my lap and sat there. I cried a long time, and there was a puddle of my tears on my dress. The puddle didn’t go away, like sometimes when I spill my water pitcher. The water always goes away after a little while. My tears didn’t go away, and they started to move. They climbed up my dress, and my arm. They went onto my hand. I remember how pretty they looked, shining in the light from my candle. My whole hand was wet, and then it wasn’t, and then it was again. The tears on my hand tickled, and I laughed. The tears laughed with me.
After that night, it was okay. Daddy didn’t bring my dolls back, but I wasn’t alone anymore. Sometimes I was, for a whole day, or some days, but then the water in my pitcher would talk to me. It would climb out of the pitcher and sit on my hands again, or move in the air like the dragons do. It made pretty shapes, and it played chasing games in my bedroom with me. It wasn’t scary like the doll dragon had been, because the water always talked to me. It had a name, too.
It was named Jennah.

-cont-

Jennah was the first of my elements. I didn’t understand it when I was so young, how the magic of our world works. Mama and daddy had told me stories that had magic in them, and about people who could use it. I didn’t ever think that was for me. I was only happy to have a friend, a real friend who talked to me and played with me.
One of our favorite games was to tease my candle with some of Jennah’s water, and watch as it turned into steam. The sound of the water turning into steam always made me laugh, and it never hurt Jennah at all. She wasn’t scared of the fire, because touching it didn’t hurt her, like it hurt me the first time I grabbed it.
Jennah teased the fire one time, and some of her became steam, and then the fire started to dance. The fire was laughing, too, and it sounded just like me. It talked to me too, and asked me to reach out to it. Not to touch, because that would burn me, like it did when I grabbed it once. Just to reach out. Please. The voice sounded just like mine.
I reached out, and the fire came off of the candle. It started to move through the air. It danced around Jennah, and it laughed and laughed. The fire was so happy to be off the candle. So happy to be free, free from the candle where it was stuck for all its life. She sounded just like me.
Her name was Ispi.
I had two friends now. It was the most happy I had ever been. Two friends to play with in my room, who talked with me. It was hard for them to play with each other, because Jennah was dangerous to Ispi. If they got too close, Ispi went away. I could always bring her back. It was hard at first, and I had to bring her out of my candle a lot. It got easier and easier, and I didn’t need the candle anymore. Ispi was always there, ready to play and laugh and dance with me.
I didn’t need the candle anymore, and I could make Ispi bigger and bigger. I didn’t let her get too big, because she was still fire. I didn’t understand how she was able to get so big, until I met Valyne. She came right out of my own body. I was thinking of my dolls, and how happy I was with my new friends, and I was telling Jennah and Ispi about my dolls. I told them about Valyne, and there she was.
She wasn’t a doll, anymore. She wasn’t even really there. At least, I couldn’t see her. I knew she was there, because I could feel her playing with my hair. Dancing between my fingers, dancing just like Ispi, but invisible, and not burning. She was shy. More kittenhan Jennah and Ispi. We all talked to her, and asked where she came from. She said she had been there all along. She was the one who made the dragon fly around my room. Valyne was in every breath I took and was the voice that whispered through my window on a stormy day. She fed Ispi, and helped her get bigger, or smaller.
I found all sorts of new games I could play with my three friends. We made Ispi big, bigger, and then covered her with Jennah’s water, and the steam got everywhere and made my whole room sparkle. We put Jennah all the way around my head and saw how long I could hold my breath. Valyne made it really easy by going inside me. We played tag with Ispi, making her dance around my room and then come close to me, then away again just before she touched Jennah. We knew she got too close if she made Jennah’s water turn to steam.
I had three friends now, and they never really left me. Even when Ispi went out for the night, and Jennah went back to her pitcher before mama came to take it away, Valyne was still with me, inside of me. I felt like they were all still with me, even when the other two were gone for a little while. I was still by myself in my room, but I was never really alone.
We were playing tag with Ispi when mama caught us. I don’t know how long it had been since I met my friends. It felt like a long time. Mama didn’t come to my room except to bring my breakfast and supper. She came in this time, and I was playing tag with Ispi. I was sitting on the floor and Ispi was coming to tag me. Mama got scared, and yelled something. It wasn’t on purpose. She scared me, and she scared Ispi. It wasn’t on purpose.
Ispi was scared. It wasn’t on purpose. She jumped onto my face. The pain was bad. Mama was screaming. I don’t know if I was screaming too. I think I was. The pain was bad, bad. My right eye hurt a lot, and then I couldn’t see with it, and I could feel wet stuff falling into my lap. Mama was slapping my face, trying to put the fire out. It was only making it hurt worse, and Ispi wasn’t going away.

-cont-

Mama tried to pick me up, and I was able to put Ispi out. Mama was still screaming. She fell down next to me and looked at my face and screamed. I couldn’t see with my right eye. The pain was bad. Jennah got more water out of the pitcher by my bed. She had fallen on the carpet when mama came in. Jennah put the water on my face, over the burn. Mama stopped screaming. Jennah made the burning go away. She made my eye work again. The pain was gone, but I was crying. Mama looked so afraid.
I hugged her and told her Ispi was sorry. It wasn’t on purpose. Ispi was only scared. She didn’t mean to burn me. Ispi has never burned me before. Ispi loves me and never wanted to hurt me. Jennah’s sorry too. Sorry that she fell on the carpet instead of protecting me when Ispi got scared. I told mama we were all sorry for scaring her and please, please don’t be angry with us.
Mama hugged me. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t look afraid anymore, but she didn’t look happy either. She hugged me for a long time, and then she told me to go to bed. I was happy that she wasn’t angry with me. Mama told me she loved me. That was the only time I ever remember her saying that. It made me so happy that I fell asleep right away. I didn’t even call Valyne to keep me company.
The next morning mama brought me my breakfast. She didn’t leave me the tray and go out of my room this time. Mama sat with me and talked with me, and asked me how my night had been. I didn’t understand why mama was spending time with me, but I was happy. She told me my face looked different now. She told me that the burn was better, but everyone would still know I had been hurt there. I told her again that Ispi was really sorry. I told her Jennah did her best to fix the burn, that we were all still friends. Mama told me she didn’t like talking about my friends.
Mama asked if I’d like to go to the park. She said there would be other children my age that I could play with. She said I could make new friends. She said I could make friends with other children. That was scary, but I was excited. I hadn’t been outside in a very long time, and my bedroom window was very small and only looked into the backyard anyway. I said I wanted to go to the park to play with other children.
Sometimes I say things, without really knowing what I’m saying.
After breakfast, mama gave me a bath and got me dressed really pretty. I had one of my favorite dresses on, and mama put some makeup on my face. A lot of makeup on the side that had been burned. I saw myself in a mirror and thought I looked just like a princess. Like Princess Jennah, except that her hair is darker than mine.
We went to the park. I hadn’t been outside in such a long time. The sound of the birds, the colors of the flowers. It was so good there. I didn’t even think about my elements. I ran in the grass, and chased a butterfly I saw. I wasn’t going to hurt it. I was only playing, like when I chased the dragon around my room. The butterfly wasn’t scary at all, though. It flew away and I was going to keep chasing it into the trees, but mama told me not to go too far away. She had met a friend, and they were sitting down and talking. Mama always liked to talk with her friends. I played in the grass by myself, but I didn’t mind being alone this time. I didn’t even think about my elements. The outside was so good. I knew mama was only a little ways away. I felt safe with the trees nearby, standing big and strong like my daddy.
Some boys came over to where I was playing. They were bigger than me, and there were three of them. The biggest one said something about my makeup. I didn’t understand what he meant, but the boys were laughing. The biggest one touched my face and pushed away some of the makeup mama had put over my burn. The boys were laughing even harder now. I still didn’t understand.
One of them pulled my hair. Mama had brushed my hair before we left. I didn’t understand why the boy was pulling it, and it hurt. I told him to stop, and the boys just kept laughing. The biggest one was pushing more of my makeup off and looking at my burn. They were still laughing, and calling me things. I didn’t understand all the words they said, but they sounded mean. I wanted mama to come make them stop.

-cont-

I started to feel scared when the boy pulling my hair pushed me. I don’t understand why he pushed me, or why they were laughing at me. I looked just like Princess Jennah. I was crying now, and the makeup mama had put on me was getting in my mouth. It tasted bad, and the boys laughed even more when I tried to spit the makeup out. I didn’t understand why they were being mean to me, I only wanted to play in the grass. I wanted to play with the flowers and butterflies. I wanted them to leave me alone.
I heard a voice that sounded just like my daddy. It was strong, and big. As big as the world. It wasn’t my daddy, because this voice talked to me the same way Jennah and Ispi and Valyne talked to me. He talked to me without words. He told me that he would protect me from the boys who were scaring me. He’d make them stop. He’d make sure nobody ever made me cry again. He sounded just like my daddy, but I knew his name.
His name was Dragon.
Dragon’s voice shook the ground. The whole park under me, and under the boys, and under mama and her friend so far away. The boys stopped laughing, and they stopped pulling my hair and pushing my makeup. Dragon shook the ground again, and the boys looked scared. I thought they would leave me alone now. That was all I wanted. I wanted to be left alone, to play in the grass with the flowers and butterflies. I was happier by myself.
The biggest boy said a word I knew was dirty. I knew it was dirty because daddy had said it once, and mama had scolded him. It was one of the no-no words that you’re never supposed to say. I don’t understand why there are words if you’re not supposed to say them. The boy said one of them, and then he hit me. I don’t understand why he hit me. His fist felt so big. As big as the world.
I fell down, and the ground caught me. Dragon caught me. Then Dragon roared, and the whole world shook. I could hear people shouting now. The shaking was very hard, and people were afraid. The boys looked afraid again too. There was a big noise, bigger than the shaking ground. One of the big trees was falling down.
It was an accident.
I was so scared.
The boy hit me, and I didn’t understand.
Dragon promised to protect me.
Why didn’t they just leave me alone?
Why are people the worst monsters?
The big tree fell down.
The big tree fell down, and it fell right on top of the biggest boy.
His friends ran away. I stayed where I was, on the ground. Dragon was still there. He was watching me to make sure I was safe. The two boys ran away, and mama ran towards me. She saw the tree on top of the other boy. She saw me on the ground. She saw the ground still shaking under me. Mama picked me up and took me home right away.
Mama put me in my room and told me to stay there. She told me to wait until daddy got home. She was crying, and I was crying. I wanted her to hug me again. I wanted her to tell me it was okay. I wanted her to tell me she loved me again. I wanted her to stay there the whole night. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. But she left.
I stayed in my bed. I didn’t pool my tears to talk with Jennah. I didn’t get up to dance and laugh with Ispi. I didn’t listen to the sound of Valyne going in and out of my body. I stayed in my bed. I cried until I fell asleep.
I woke up in pain. So much pain. Something was wrong, so badly wrong. Valyne wasn’t there. My room was dark except for the candle beside my bed. Someone was standing beside my bed, leaning over. Someone with arms as big as the world. His hands were on my neck.
There was thunder outside. Lightning was flashing in through my window. I could see him for a few moments in the light. It was my daddy standing beside me. It was my daddy squeezing my neck so hard. It was my daddy killing me by the light of a stormcloud.
I heard his voice. I didn’t understand his words. Daddy was saying he was sorry. He was crying. He was talking about his friends. The people he worked with. Somebody’s son. A murder. He was so sorry. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. The candle’s light was getting darker and darker. It wasn’t really. I just couldn’t see it anymore. I reached out to it one last time. Please, Ispi.
Just like the first time I met her, Ispi jumped off of the candle. She got bigger, bigger, faster than she had ever gotten big before. She got bigger, and she jumped off the candle. She jumped right onto my daddy.

-cont-

I remember his screams. I hear them every night while I try to fall asleep. I forget things all the time. Kyrean told me it’s because of my metal pairment. The reason I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. Something about me my parents were shamed of. But I still remember the sound of my daddy’s screams. He burned and burned, and Ispi moved all over his body. She covered him all the way, even his feet, but she didn’t go onto the floor. She stayed on him until my daddy fell down and didn’t move anymore. Then she went out again, and the only fire in the room was on my candle.
There was a little while of quiet. I tried to climb out of bed. I fell out instead. I tried to walk to my daddy. I crawled instead. I tried to speak to him, and ask if he was okay.
Mama screamed instead.
She was at the door, looking at me. I was kneeling next to my daddy. He was burned up, all the way. His clothes were all gone, and his skin was black and falling off. Mama was screaming, and she was wearing an apron. There was some carrot juice on her face. I still remember that, too. And the candle she was holding. And the knife in her other hand.
Mama was screaming. It was the scariest sound I’ve ever heard. She screamed and screamed. She screamed, and lifted the knife. Then she ran at me. Screaming.
I was screaming now too. I didn’t understand why any of this was happening. What had happened to my daddy. What mama was doing. Why had everything gone this wrong? I only wanted to go to the park with mama. I only wanted her to tell me she loved me again.
Valyne was there now, faster than she’d ever been. She came through the room so fast that she caught fire in her own way. Valyne’s fire was blue, and it crackled and sparked like lightning from the stormclouds. It was lightning. Valyne’s lightning. My mama was running right at me, and Valyne ran right at her.
Mama met Valyne halfway across my room. Valyne won. Mama flew back like a dragon, out of my bedroom. She hit the wall of the hallway. She fell on the ground. The knife fell out of her hand, and so did the candle. The candle landed right on the carpet, and the floor of the house was on fire.
I look back at it, and I know now that I could have stopped the fire. I could have asked Ispi to become that fire, and she would have. I could have put it out and saved my family’s house, and maybe saved my mama too. Ms Bleakblade told me later, not to blame myself. I was young and silly. I hadn’t been taught these things. I was only a little girl, and I did the right thing in a dangerous situation.
I left the burning house.
I stood outside in the street. The storm was all around me, and the rain water washed my tears away like they had never even been there. The fire filled my house up fast. I saw it getting bigger and bigger through the windows. I should have gone for help. I should have gotten someone to stop the fire before it got so big. I was so scared. I’m so, so sorry.
The thunder felt like it was inside me. Every clap made me shake. Dragon was there again, watching me, guarding me. Shaking with me. Harder, harder, harder. The ground shook with Dragon’s roars, and my house fell into the basement. The fire got bigger even faster.
It made a big noise when the house fell in. Then Ms Bleakblade came, she came and stood behind me. Kyrean was with her, and she sent him off for help. Ms Bleakblade stood with me and hugged me. She brought me into her house and gave me hot chocolate while the neighbors threw water at the fire. She asked me about what had happened. I told her about my friends. I told her that I had burned the house down. The city guard came later, helping put the fire out. Then they wanted to talk with me.

-cont-

Ms Bleakblade wouldn’t let the guards talk to me. She told them a lie. She said it must have been lightning that set our house on fire, and collapsed it into itself. I wanted to tell the truth. I didn’t want to lie to the city guards, and I didn’t want Ms Bleakblade to lie to them either. She did it anyway. I don’t understand why grown-ups tell so many lies.
The city guards did talk with me then, but they didn’t ask me about my house. Or about my parents. They asked about me, instead. They asked about the room I had spent so much time in. Four years, Ms Bleakblade said. They asked about my life in that room. They asked if there were any other children I played with, or if I’d been to school. They asked about the purple marks on my neck, where my daddy had squeezed it. They asked a lot of questions, but nothing that Ms Bleakblade had lied about.
When the guards were gone, Ms Bleakblade started baking a pie. Kyrean was with us too, and Ms Bleakblade asked if I would like to live with them from now on. I remember that moment so clearly. Kyrean was sitting across the table, and Ms Bleakblade was leaning over me, and the room smelled like a pie. Ms Bleakblade said I’d have to share Kyrean’s bedroom, but I’d have toys again. She said I’d be allowed to go outside whenever I wanted. She told me that I would even be able to go to school and learn about my elements, and how I could use them so nobody would ever get hurt again. It sounded too good to be real. It sounded like a dream I’d had and forgotten about because it was so silly.
I didn’t say yes. I just started crying.
Ms Bleakblade hired a tutor who knew about elemental magic, and I never had an accident again. I grew up, slowly, with lots of help from Ms Bleakblade and her son. Kyrean turned into one of my best friends. When Ms Bleakblade got old enough for Grenth to take her, she told me that my life is in my own hands now. I didn’t understand what she meant, but I think I’m starting to.
The city cleared away my family’s house and built a statue on the place where it was. It’s a statue of the Lady Dwayna. I see people praying at statues sometimes, or at gravestones. I still go to my family’s statue sometimes, but I never pray. If my parents could hear me, I’m still afraid they wouldn’t want to.
My elements don’t talk to me much anymore. I learned more about magic, and how to control it. They’re my tools and weapons now. I have friends to talk to when I feel lonely, and I have a life of adventure to live. It’s hard to put away the dolls in my memories, but it’s something everyone has to do. Even if we don’t ever really understand why.
But sometimes the night gets just quiet enough. Sometimes everyone is asleep, and nobody is snoring. Sometimes the river is just close enough. The fire is just low enough. The wind is just soft enough. Sometimes, if everything is just right, and I put my ear to the ground…
Sometimes, I know I’m never really alone.

~Ispiria Valyneth

What an amazingly well-written and tragic story. Terrifying and beautiful and heartrending all at once. Amazingly done.

Thank you for writing this.

~S.F.