New thread, as the prior one was made by someone who has parted ways with the server.
I regret to inform each of you that Fort Aspenwood has completely and utterly failed to implode. Although the wonderful man who generated our last thread has left the server, Fort Aspenwood remains.
Therefore, as God Emperor and Consumer Relationship Manager as well as Chief Evangelist for Fort Aspenwood, I have been asked to invite each of you to frolic and bask in the glorious halo of Fort Aspenwood.
My consumer relations research department has informed me that people who watch significant amounts of Japanese Animation between the ages of 16 and 28 tend to have the highest coverage per player, therefore, we have carefully crafted this video to attract this target demographic.
The consumer relations research department has also informed me that this is the part of the post where I inform you of the generic reasons to transfer to Fort Aspenwood that actually apply to every server looking for transfers. Great queues, great community, great generic quality statement here- there, the consumer relations department is happy.
You might reasonably ask yourself, why, Zoel, why should I or my guild transfer to Fort Aspenwood?
1. Have you ever wanted to date the goth girl on a syndicated american television show about high school because you sympathized with how she is too cool to have friends? We have no less than seventeen polls conducted by independent polling corporations that indicate we are more like that goth girl you wanted to date than 8 of the 9 major leading brands of toothpaste.
2. Seismologists have failed to indicate via official statement— yet with a wink and a nudge (and a few beers) were eager to mention (strictly off the record, of course) that we’re more stable than an overactive volcano, which is a pretty low bar when it comes to the numerous private islands I own, but happens to make us the most stable server in Guild Wars 2.
3. After a recent congressional hearing we are obligated to make the following statement: Fort Aspenwood has little to no desire to enslave you to the good of the server. A wise man once told me: “Stuff gets taken, stuff gets lost.” I have since trademarked that sentence and you better believe I have a team of lawyers who are enslaved to the good of me suing the pants off of you if you use it. Additionally I am told by our legal council to state that we have no war council and as such pose no significant threat to the United Nations or nearly any sovereign nation. The extent of our control on one another is to make disapproving posts that nobody else reads; just like 85% of the employee handbook infraction notices human resources places on my desk. Our loose reset assignments are first come first serve because no business has succeeded issuing participation ribbons; and exist solely and completely to avoid over-queuing one borderland- which my staff assured me is important.
4. One person- either a hobo or Albert Einstein just told me that we have the best coverage to glicko ratio in the game. I want to be clear that this does not mean we have low coverage. Also allow me to make this bold yet unqualified assertion: Glicko is an accurate representation of coverage within 200-300 points. Accordingly, we have somewhere between the 5th and 8th best coverage in North America. Consequently, we likely have the highest coverage of any server you could transfer to without waiting for it to cease being “Full.”
5. Once again due to prior congressional hearings we are further obligated to inform interested candidates of the following: we are basically the evil server or something. Yeah, we allegedly kill people in the JP for fun. We also allegedly kill yak parades because they drop bags. We even more allegedly take keeps just because they looked at us the wrong way (which happens constantly.) The prosecution in our pending court cases have also suggested the ridiculous idea that we privately make fun of our opponents for being poorly geared and/or unskilled. These are the allegations levied against us, but they have yet to be fully proven in a court of law among a jury of our peers.
6. As a corollary to #5, we are awesome.
Should you be in need of additional information, please feel free to contact myself (Zoel Train), Mercenary Higgins, or Drigan Prime, and we can arrange to provide you with further details and answer your questions.
