Guild Wars 2

One thing I feel like is missing from this community is a good sense of humor, so I want to hear everyone’s jokes about this beloved game. Give me your cheesiest, lamest, and most hilarious jokes. I’ll start:

Why do Sylvari Rangers hate having Fern Hounds?

Because their bark is worse than their bite!

I’d love to make a joke but it will just result in me being banned again. ~sigh

Pariah.8506:

I’d love to make a joke but it will just result in me being banned again. ~sigh

As long as I avoid my tengu haiku I should be all set.

What fighting style does a thief use at their part time job at the supermarket?

Cloak-and-Bagger

Did you hear about the Sylvari couple that filed for divorce?

They felt it was time to turn over a new leaf.

Zhaitan rises from the depths of the Sea of Sorrows, bringing the benighted nation of Orr with him, and goes to the doctor’s office.

The doc says, “What’s wrong with you?”

Zhaitan replies, “It all started with a bump on my back…”

We’ve all heard the legendary tales of the Norn, but on a lighter side it turns out that for all the ale they drink they’re as susceptible to the infamous “beer goggles” as any other race. Want proof? Just listen to the stories they tell about their conquests of women after a moot. More often than not, it’s Eir today, Garm tomorrow.

Why did the skritt burglar steal Queen Jennah’s shoes?

Because it couldn’t catch up to Logan to steal his.

A Norn and his Sylvari adventuring friend enter a rough and tumble Norn drinking establishment to boast about their latest adventures. The Norn bellows loudly to the bartender “Your largest and strongest ale!” The patrons all cheer him on in encouragement. The bartender turns to the Sylvari and asks “and how about you friend?” The Sylvari responds “I’ll have a water please.” A hush falls over the establishment. The Norn, looking slightly embarrassed, whispers to his friend “You’ll need to order something stronger than that in here.” So the Sylvari turns back to the bartender… “And put it in a dirty vase.”

An enterprising Priestess of Dwayna, thinking to enlighten one of the “lesser races”, walked up to a skritt colony and approached one of the sentries posted outside.

Smiling benevolently, she asked, “Have you found Dwayna?”

The sentry did not reply but instead stared uneasily at her. Puzzled, she asked a little more firmly, “Have you found Dwayna?”

The skritt began to twitch, but still did not respond. Finally, in exasperation, the priestess said, “I asked you a question…have you found Dwayna?”

With a squeak of terror, the sentry dashed into the tunnel and ran into one of the main chambers filled with other skritt.

“Quick! Hide! Hide!” he shouted. “Dwayna is gone and they think we did it!!!”

A Norn and an Asura walk into a bar.

“OW! My Knee!” shouted the Norn.

What is a Sylvari’s favorite class to study?

Guardening class!

It’s true!

1’s AND 0’s! They’re both there!

Remember when we placed random skills on our bars to make jokes back in GW1?

We should make GW2 versions of these.

People like to poke fun at Logan for running away from the fight with Kralkatorrik, but really, wasn’t it Snaff that didn’t have the guts to finish the fight?

A sylvari on his way to Rata Sum reaches a gate checkpoint where all visitors require paperwork to be accounted for , upon entering the city.
An elderly asura walks up to the him and starts taking some notes .Then with a dull tone asks him :
-Name?
-Farwin Leafmesh , the sylvari answers.
-Age?
-21

Q: When do norn stop arguing?

A: When they decide it’s a moot point.

My favorite GW2 joke is one of the Mad King’s:

What’s black and blue and stuffed in a box? My son!

A centaur comes home after a long day of pillaging and trodding about only to find his wife cheating on him with his best friend. He drops his pack and says “What is Tamini’ing of this?!”

Q: What do you call Ascalonian wine?
A: Charr-donay.

If Caithe formed an all-sylvari guild, she could call it “Destiny’s Hedge”.

Q: How do you get directions in an area littered with deranged ghosts?
A: Ask-a-loony-one

Q: What would you call a structure like the Black Citadel?
A: Charr-chitecture.

She should dye her hair red, we could call her Queen Henna.

Q: What would you call the shiftier parts of the asura capital?
A: The Rata Slum

What’s the dredge’s favourite way to prepare food?
A Dredge Foreman Grill

How do you know if your warband leader is any good?
He can take charrge

Why was Zojja’s design rejected?
It wasn’t up to snaff

GW1 Animal Companions got a serious mechanics upgrade for GW2. They needed a new name, so now they’re called:
Asura

The charming mechanic still needs some work though.

• The inquest is now using dragon enegery to experiment with clairvoyance. Be on the look out for several short mediums at large.

• Nightmare court spies are everywhere! Inform the Lionguard if you suspect a party member is a plant.

• I used to have a great joke about Norn in peacemaker armor. Then everyone told me it was too much of a stretch.

What is a Charr’s favorite clothing brand?

Emporio Charrmani.

The dredge commissariat has dispatched agents to interrogate it’s citizens about the recent information leak.Apparently they have a mole in their midst.

There was an Asura named Tath
Who slid down a city of math
Took the vertical trail
To end up in jail
And spent his last days filled with wrath

(apologies to anyone who actually has an Asura by this name!)

The GvG in this game is fun.

“Two blues and a green.”

I love scarlet.

Another of the Mad King’s puns: What business took a nosedive after the charr invaded Ascalon? THE SHAVING RAZOR BUSINESS!

VOLKON.1290:

Did you hear about the Sylvari couple that filed for divorce?

They felt it was time to turn over a new leaf.

I think this is my favourite so far

After a long day of fighting in the Myst a dazed and confused warrior with a rifle strapped to his back and barley holding on to a shield, stumbles into the doctors office.

The warrior says: “Hey doctor I think I have a concussion ankitten esia. I have forgotten how to use the mace, sword, ax, hammer and greatsword. When my opponent come into melee range I’m useless.”

The doctor say: “Don’t worry you will be fine. You are an Engineer not a Warrior.”

A norn a quaggan and a dolyak walk into a bar. The bartender says “ you cant bring that dolyak in here” so the norn punches the quaggan in the face.

A quaggan and a dolyak walk into a bar. The bartender says “ you cant bring that dolyak in here” so the quaggan punches himself in the face.

Trahearne, Scarlet and a quaggan walk into a bar, and the bartender punches them all in the face.

Knock Knock.

Who’s There?

PIKEN SQUARE

[I was originally from Piken Square so I said it all the time XD. In case you didn’t get it… It rhymes]

What do you call a trio of Sylvari Engineers?

The TREE musketeers.

I can’t claim credit for this one. Saw it on these forums before.

Q: What did the Risen Shopkeeper say to his customers?
A: Return. Buy.

3 warriors are walking around LA when a Djinn pops up and grants them each one wish.

The first warrior says “I want to get the best warrior in LA!”
The djinn snaps his fingers and says done.

The second warrior says “I want to the best warrior in all of Kryta!
The djinn snaps his fingers and says done.

The third warrior says “ I want to be the better than any warrior in all of tyria that has ever lived!
The djinn snaps his fingers and changes him into a cute asura ranger.

Palador.2170:

Why did the skritt burglar steal Queen Jennah’s shoes?

Because it couldn’t catch up to Logan to steal his.

VOLKON.1290:

People like to poke fun at Logan for running away from the fight with Kralkatorrik, but really, wasn’t it Snaff that didn’t have the guts to finish the fight?

Snaff jokes wound my soul. ;_;

Trahearne and an ettin want take some classes at the University of Tyria. They meet with the counselor and are told they need to take courses in math, science, and logic. They don’t know what the logic course is about. The counselor says they should speak with the professor to find out more. Trahearne has to go back to fort trinity and clean the toilets so the ettin will go find out what about logic and tell Trahearne later.

The ettin asks, “Professor, what is logic?”

The professor says “Let me put it this way, do you have a pencil?”

Ettin answers: “Yes, I do.”

the professor says, “well if you have a pencil then logically you know how to write. If you know how to write then logically you went to school.”

Ettin: “Wow that’s right, I went to ettin school!”

Professor: “Now you are here at our university and wanting to take courses, so logically you are self confidence and looking to forward to a better life.”

Ettin: “ Wow professor, thanks for explaining logic.”

The next day Trahearne asked the ettin about logic and the ettin says “ let me put it this way, do you have a pencil?”

Trahearn says “No I don’t.”

Ettin: “ Well then, logically you are a stupid insecure coward who won’t amount to anything special.”

a Centaur Tamini said “GET TO DA CHOPPA!”

Guess what…..

Asura butt!

“Where do all exotics I put into the Mystic Forge go?”
“They all flow into the same sewer system, and that all goes out to sea…

A Norn walks out of a bar.

Lishtenbird.2814:

“Where do all exotics I put into the Mystic Forge go?”
“They all flow into the same sewer system, and that all goes out to sea…

Hahahah my favorite so far—

“…Hey you asked, just don’t ask if anything LIVES down there…”

Omg, these are gold. LOL!

A sylvari approaches a woman in a bar and asks, “Hey baby, am I awake?” When she looks over at him, he adds, “Because you’re a Dream come true.”

After a hard day of felling trees, a group of Norn lumberjacks are sharing tales of their past prowess. “Once I cut and trimmed a thousand trees in a single week.” one boasted. “Bah, that’s nothing. I once cut ten thousand trees in a month, building one of the largest dams in the Shiverpeaks at the same time!” boasted a second.

“You younglings don’t know a thing about real lumberjacking.” added a third. “I was once the head lumberjack of the Crystal Forest.”

“Wait, don’t you mean the Crystal Desert?”

“That’s what they call it now.”

I heard the Iron Legion is working on a space program. They call it the Charrship Enterpride.

I heard Trahearne courted Ceara when they were much younger.

We know how it ended.

How many members of Destiny’s Edge does it take to rob a bank?
Zero, they’re all too busy stealing your spotlight.

What did Trahearne say after being pushed into a bottomless well?
“This well won’t end.”

What’s the Iron Legions favorite wine?

Charr-donnay!