BREAKING NEWS: PROFESSIONS ARE *POWERED
Discussion - to use the term loosely - is thick within each and every profession subforum as board members argue loudly, aggressively, and often with less than exemplary English skills, that professions are *powered. The majority opinion, according to our observation of current posting trends and completely nonexistent polling, seems to be that every single profession in the game is simultaneously “totally kittened” and “freekin h@x” at the same time. Countervailing arguments stating that professions are currently in a rough state of balance and need only minor tweaks and revisions following release-craze data collection, rather than sweeping, ground-up total redesigns, are so scarce as to be considered a nonfactor by the average forum-goer. Further arguments that profession balancing is not ArenaNet’s only job and that a priority, at the current time, should be given to bug fixes and game service optimization in the wake of the crushing instabilities launch-day concurrency induced is typically met with open hostility and a resounding cry of “go back to PvE, you n00b!”
Fully fifty-three percent of any profession subforum’s front-page threads will have been started with a topic directly related to this most pressing of game issues, most of the general format (note that spelling and syntax have been corrected and that gratuitous hyperbole, excessive foul language, and negative references to Jon Peters’ mother have all been removed from the general standard presented and will all be present within an actual sample post): “(Profession X) is totally broken. Here’s the only thing ArenaNet can possibly do to fix it, and if they don’t do it in the very next update I’m (choose between) [A.) never playing this game again], [B.) switching to (Profession Y) because obviously that’s the only one ArenaNet cares about].”
In a further alarming development, thirty-seven percent of additional forum threads started with a subject not directly related to the overwhelming problem of all professions’ current state of *poweredness, or made with subjects not related to this problem at all, will be forcibly dragged into such discussions by trolls, baiters, and other such tomfoolers seeking to force (further) attention onto their singular choice of issue. Useful threads such as build guides/ideas, in-combat tips and tricks, and honest attempts to seek further information about the nuances or specific numbers of a given profession’s mechanics, skills, or traits are often derailed with such replies as “This question is useless because (Profession X) is broken anyways,” or “ Lol ur so bad, (Profession X) is so overpowered, only failsawse players cant win with (Profession X).” This harsh and unfounded criticism of perfectly legitimate threads, especially in the face of so many negative and fruitless threads castigating ArenaNet’s profession design, has driven many players off the boards entirely and induced others to writing bitingly sarcastic faux-news posts mocking the entire issue out of irritation at being largely unable to find ANYTHING GOD-KITTENED USEFUL AMIDST THE BLATHERING MASSES.
A panel of imaginary experts has presented a shocking alternative to ranting on forums in “Profession X is *powered!” threads. Their advice is to simply play the game, use what feels right to you, the reader, and ignore the frothing frenzy claiming the game to be unplayably broken in between farming dungeons. Simple first-hand experience shows that all professions have something going for them and that simply finding the right one for you, learning how it works, and making it dance will result in a staggering two hundred and twenty-three percent increase in personal enjoyment. An additional seventy-eight percent increase in personal enjoyment can be gained by rigorously adhering to a policy of Not Giving A Kitten what other players say about you, your playstyle, your choice of profession, or your probable ancestry, and thirty-one percent again can be had by making some variation of a *pets all the kittens* joke whenever someone new who hasn’t yet encountered the forum’s profanity filter goes on an angry rant concerning profession balancing.
In closing, this reporter would like to say that profession balancing is one of those thankless, never-ending jobs nobody is ever happy with anyways, that railing about it’s never gotten the players much of anywhere before, and that the dev team’s had five years to work out the current state of rough balance - which takes into account depth and nuances to professions that are difficult to pick up in a short time period. Perhaps it would be wise to give the game and its player base at least five months before calling for executions?
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