Guild Wars 2

Ok, so I know this whole quest has consisted of NPC’s calling the shots, and really really tactically imbecilic ones at that, and someone even wound up dead at the end because, you know, they were all awful decisions, but we want to know what we should do next Commander.

A: Planes
B: Trains
C: Automobiles

We just want you to know that if you choose Planes, we will probably try and fly it directly in to the dragons mouth. Because we think it’s a sound strategy. This is not a decision you will get to make. It’s just what we will do.

If you go with Trains, we will use them to improve our supply routes. Faster troop movements, supplies, it will be great! Just keep in mind the train will consist of a single car. And you will likely need to escort it. Everywhere.

Automobiles wont really be of any use in the field since there’s nothing remotely close to a road out here, but we will be able to have awesome car shows to inspire morale. And the troops should get a kick out of a Risen crunching derby! Ok, this is kind of ridiculous but we needed a third option for you because we felt giving you only 2 each time wouldn’t feel like enough choices. So here’s this one… Oh, and they will really be more like go-karts… and an NPC you just met two quests ago will get run over and die over dramatically in a tragic ‘defending your go-karts’ quest…

in a minute long cut scene.

where you were seconds away from destroying the go-kart before it started.

So what should we do commander? It’s your story after all. =D

Totally going with planes. Instead of Snakes on a Plane, we could have Dragons on a Plane. SCIFI make it happen!!!!

Another day as the commander

NPC: So commander, we figured out the giant mouth things eat for the dragon. So we think we can starve it.

C: Cool. Lets go kill it.

NPC: Well we could ambush and kill it, or we could stop it’s supplies from reaching it.

C:… ok, so we’re going to kill it… that’s not even a choice. If kill it is an option, obviously we’re going to kill it.

NPC: Righto, so meet the team at the ambush site!

C: Sorry I’m always the last one here guys, it’s not on purpose I swear.

NPC: Sorry commander, give us a minute for some classic NPC bickering time.

Benny Hill Theme

C: Ok, so now that that is out of the way, how are we pulling off this ambush?

NPC: He’s in the building there.

C: Wait… right behind you? It’s in there?

NPC: Yes sir.

C: … Oh for the love of… Well charge then! Hopefully its fat backside is slow, because it has to have noticed the twelve armed and armored idiots outside bickering by now!

NPC: Hold on sir, let me scout ahead.

C:……………… THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN AMBUSH WHY HAVEN’T YOU SCOUTED YET!?!?!?!

NPC: Sorry sir. I’ll brb. lulz.

Other NPC: She hasn’t come back yet commander.

C: Oh, I wonder why. I bet she’s just fine inside having ice cream too. And by that I mean dead.

Other NPC:Let’s just bust in there!

C: No really? It’s almost like I said that earlie…. forget it. Just go. We’re lucky this dragon is as much of an imbecile as the rest of you NPCs are.

This post made my day ^^

Fighting the Risen One Rock at a Time

Sylvari Chick: Commander, the tanks need your assistance in getting to the camp.

C: Big surprise there. You know. Since there’s only three of them.

SC: Just meet us over there when you’re ready.

C: Oh, so they can get all the way over there without an escort just fine…

C: Alright, I’m here, lets get this over with. I’ve got bandit crests to farm.

Random Cat: You know, these tanks weren’t really made for this kind of stuff. They are made for fighting ghosts.

C: For one, I’m totally not surprised to hear that. For two, that’s fine. There’s only three of you anyways. Not like it will be a massive waste of resources when you all inevitably blow u-WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT!?

SC: Looks like mines commander.

C: MINES!? Since when was this jerkfart lizard laying dead bodies on the road that function as LAND MINES!?

RC: Uh… today?

C: Isn’t that convenient.

RC: Hold off the random bad guys that just came out of nowhere while we fix it.

C: Uh… the tank is missing its front half. Like it’s just not there anymore. I mean I’m an Asuran, and I’m pretty handy, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a quick fixer upper.

crickets

C: Fine.

KILL ALL THE THINGS

C: I have to say, for being dumber than stumps, you NPCs sure know how to recreate the front half of a tank in a jiffy. Think you could just make us another like. hundred of them?

RC: Sorry sir. Only learned the front half. These three will have to do.

C: Not surprised. You know the lizard is tied with you guys on the ‘surprise the commander’ game today. 1 to 1. Dead body landmines for him, magical front half of tank creation for you guys.

SC: Commander! Giants! Coming from that mountain! There’s so many!

C: sigh Ok, come on, let’s fight our way through like usual.

RC: No can do sir, the tanks can’t move and shoot at the same time.

C:….. Are you SERIOUS!?… Ok. Fine. 1 to 2, you guys have the lead. Can we just creep along then? Stop and shoot here and there or something?

SC: We need to take out the source of those giants.

C: Ya. I know. It’s called Zidude. The lizard. That’s kinda what we’re all doing here and why I put up with you idiots.

SC: No, that mountain, it’s the source!

C:……………………

RC: I’ve got some super mega death shells that will totally melt anything. I just need a target painted, and whatever it is will be toast. Just make sure you get out of there, because they are super mega death shells. lulz.

C: Ok, time out. First of all, what target? What source? That’s a flippin mountain. That’s it. A huge rock formation. Are you going to blow up the entire mountain or something?…. You know what, you just pulled the front half of a tank out of your rear end. Fine. You’re going to blow up the whole mountain. But then why the heck do you need a target signal? ITS A BLOODY MOUNTAIN! YOU CANT MISS!!!!!!!!

SC: My random friend and I will go with you to paint the signal commander.

C: Fine. Whatever. How are we signaling? And cat, give us like, two minutes to get out after the signal.

no response

C: Uh… cat? Yo. You put in ear buds or something?

SC: We’ve got the signal ready commander, just come up the mountain with us.

CLIMB A MOUNTAIN
******************
C: Yup. Just a mountain. There’s literally nothing of note up here.

SC: Look! The giant chieftain! We have to kill him!

C: Wut? He looks just like every other giant. Just chilling up here instead of joining his buddies in the tank smashing game. For all we know he’s Ted the peaceful giant. And where are you getting chieftan? Who cares? All these things follow Zidude. Zombies. Hello.

SC: We must kill him commander!

C: Look we’re going to blow up the whole freaking mountain, just set off the signal and let’s scram, if it will blow up a mountain, it will obviously freaking take out Ted.

…
……

Oh for the love of…….

KILLS TED

C: Ok, Ted’s re-deaded. Set off the signal and lets go.

SC: There’s no way to set it off unless someone stays behind!

C:…… facepalm run that by me again?

SC: I’ll stay behind and make sure the signal gets placed. Don’t worry about me. I’m suicidal like every other NPC.

C: Look, there’s NOTHING up here to blow up ANYWAYS. TED IS DEAD. This is seriously NOTHING but a giant rock now. Lets just go back down there and keep going. We can all go home safe and sound. Until you die in the next quest to something completely avoidable and idiotic.

Random Sylvari Friend: I will miss you. And other dramatic things.

C: Holy crap, seriously, there are numbers you can call if you have these kind of proble… forget it.

BACK DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
***************
C: Alright mittens, make with the mountain leveling. Broccoli decided she wants to be steamed.

RC: Already done commander. We’ll miss that broccoli lady.

C: …….Aaaaaaaaand the mountain is still there. All rocky and menacing and… well, doing what rocks do. Not much of anything.

RC: Right. And not producing giants anymore commander.

C: ……Can I demote you?

RC: No… Commander…

C: I’m farming bandit crests.

Or the searing cauldron that we could easily have used during the arah dungeon to basically clear a gigantic smoking path or even after against Scarlet, Nightmare Court, Inquest, Sons of Svanir, Flame Legion (oh the irony)….

Or even….god forbid…..maybe using that cauldron (or the other two just lying around in the world) against Mordremoth rather than doing a Com. Gordon and sending your entire army when you know literally NOTHING about the enemy apart from it makes a lot of plant monsters.

You, Sir, are awesome! Made my day. Have one internet as your prize and please keep on writing! :-)

Very funny stuff, Minandreas. Thanks for writing it.

i sometimes just wan’t to left the NPCs behind and go do the stuff myself without them screwing everything up arround me when i finaly start making progress.

The Personal Story is such a hot mess in Orr.
It would be nice if "NPCs dying" wasn’t the go-to plot device, especially since it’s often done awkwardly and quickly.

I feel bad for Elli, though.

Please do more of these. I have all of the same rage feels

This reminds me of 16-bit rpg logic. To get into a castle, the heroes decide it’s better to go through a monster-infested forest to get to the secret, monster-infested cave that leads into the castle’s monster-infested dungeon. Personally, I’d rather sucker punch the two mooks guarding the gate that every game insist on avoiding. It just seems like a lot less trouble.

Was thinking the same on my LS XD. I m not triying to copy anyone but… here goes mine. English is not my native languaje so please be gentle.

Zaithan attack

PC: Ok here we go. Lots of random NPC have died so we can be here…

Logan: Hey! I can risk my life and cut that rope so I can leave this party!

PC: You know I can summon magical mirror blades, phantasms that wear axes and…

Rytlock: If you die I will go to the mists for you.

PC: …(I wish I could take decisions) Enough bromance. Let´s kill the dragon.

(…)

Soldier of the airship: Look! Some zaithan giants! They aren´t doing nothing! Do something about it!

(We kill random towers so random airships cand land and…. fly again to fight Zaithan)

Logan: Hey! I just wanted to skip thap part and get a cooler airship!

Soldier of the airship: We´ve got a nuclear weapon but we don´t have someone to fight it. It sounded so clever on our minds.

PC:: Wait, Asura can do that kind of things?

Zolja: Don´t worry I´ll fire it! I MIGHT break it though…

PC: Guys, can I help you? I m feeling bad here dancing and all…

“Angry Zaithan breaks the nuclear weapon.”

PC: Oh dear. Well at least we have an excuse to fight him like a boss.

Zolja: Nope! Just shot him with our floating asura cannon thingies.

PC: Oh…

“Pew pew. Zaithan is dead.”

Season 2. Wellcome back

PC: Well, long time no see. I left the game for a while but I m sure Season 2 will continue Season 1 events.

Random Pact soldier: …Yeah because Scarlet Scarletized the Scarlet Scarlet. So Scarlet was Scarlet´s plan in order to Scarlet Scarlet…

PC: Excuse me, Princess. Who the hell is Scarlet? And why it seems that the Norn went really wild on the last feast on Lions Arch?

Annoying Salad (Trahearne): Welcome back Commander.

PC: Oh, a famliar face. Please tell me who the hell is Scarlet…

Annoying Salad: Oh Scarlet. I can´t thank you enough you killed her before her could Scarletice the Scarlet Scarlonette and Scarlet Queen…

PC: I did what?.. Ok, enough with Scarlet. Look; I don´t know why we´re on a desetr, I don´t want to know who the S person is, just give me a mision and I´ll go. Just don´t say the S word.

Annoying Salad: Scarlet.

PC: I hope your whole race is dragon-related.

Annoying Salad: Well here´s your mission: Do you remember your friends? The young ones…

PC: Eh… Who?

Annoying Salad: Here they come. You have to babysit them while I do marshall´s business and get all the glory. And one of your new friends is literally a baby so bring diapers.

PC:You´ve got to be kidding me….

Braham, Taimi, Joy, Kas and Rox (Derpsiny Edge): Hya boss!

PC: Please tell me Arise is torturing my mind with mesmer witchcraft…

Marjory Delaqua: Look how lesbian am I! Also I´ve got a trauma and I´m spoiling the Necro spec!

Kassmer Meade: I´m not totally useless and one dimensional character! Anet has made almost-naked mini of me so I´m important!

Taimi: Look how clever am I! I´m worshipping Scarlet, the evil genius that may be the cause of the awakening of one of the most powerful and destructive monsters ever. All began when Scarlet was Scarletting on the Scarletgrove and…

PC: “Closes Scruffy so Taimi´s speech isn´t audible anymore”. Hey, big guy, you are kitten ing, are you okay?

Braham Eirsson: My muttha´s Eir Zerkgarkin.

PC: Yup we would never knew because your second name isn´t relater to her at all… Well and what about you?

Rox: The truth is that they could have fighted the “Big and dumb” norn stereotype with Braham but well… He got a shot to the knee sometime. My whole race think´s I m worthless and now im with those guys.

PC: Oh… Sorry I guess…Well let´s go.

Random charr adventure

Random charr soldier: Look a portal to the mists!

Rytlock: Leroooy Jennn….! "Jumps in.

PC: I´m sure he just wanted an excuse to dive in…

Hidden arcana

PC: Well we´ve got to get that egg. I really hope that the owne is not crowded by mordrem. “Two minutes later” kitten …

Random Caithe flashbackSPOILER ALERT

Brocolli girl two: I´ll just be really obvius with my mad and cruel enemy so she can chase me, kill and my friends and kill me!

PC: Brocoli girls. Allways brave, allways dumb.

Random Caithe flashback -2.

Brocoli girl two: Caithe please kill me. I need to die by a dumb motive or the universe will shatter. Oh btw we are dragon minions. Deal with it.

End of Season 2

PC: Well that was sad. And fast. I´m getting a coat out of nowhere and… Well let´s get this egg safe. It would be bad if some Mordy potential servants put their hands on it.

Caithe: “Gets the egg” Sorry I need this. I have to do something dumb because of my Brocoli Hunt.“Runs away and noone stops her”

PC: Why the hell noone is chasing her? Whi can´t I chase her? Ugh… Please Bubbles, wake up and kill us all…