Asuran Researchers Believe Dragons Grumpy, Misunderstood but not Evil
(Toonberg Press – LA, 13:45) Asuran Researchers from the College of Synergetics have released a detailed study which concludes that the Elder Dragons of Tyria are not evil after all. Instead, they appear to be both grumpy and misunderstood by the general public.
“Imagine you’ve been asleep for several millennia,” said lead researcher Bort, “You’re going to wake up a bit groggy and bumble around a bit.”
And it was the bumbling around part that caused the misunderstanding, Bort and Krewe claim. After years of detailed research and fact checking, they’ve managed to provide simple, logical explanations for all the perceived “evil” deeds of the Elder Dragons.
The Krewe examined samples from the Dragonbrand and found that Kralkatorrik went on a two week TexMex bender prior to hibernation. “Just imagine what 11,000 years and several tons of tequila and refried beans will do to your system!” exclaimed Bort.
And apparently, Zhaitan was just lonely and after awakening, he summoned all his Orrian pals up from the depths only to find they were all dead, so he fled to his lair where he was senselessly attacked by Tyrian “heroes.”
“Look,” explained Bort, “It wouldn’t be the first time Tyria’s finest got it wrong. Ever heard of Vizier Khilbron or Palawa Joko?”
Even Jormag appears to be innocent, in fact, Bort’s team isn’t even sure Jormag exists. Their research shows that Jormag’s tooth is actually an Inquest practical joke. “It’s a really fancy ice sculpture,” said Bort.
And Jormag’s supposed attack? “From what we can tell, that involved an Ale Moot and a series of suspicious looking rocks.” claimed Bort, “The real reason the Norn moved south was because of Wheat supply shortages.”
And the Krewe’s biggest piece of evidence? Common Sense. “You’re an all-powerful Elder Dragon hell-bent on consuming everything in your path, you wake up after 11,000 years of sleep, and you’re approach to destroying the world is to disappear?” asked Bort. “It seems to us they just want to be left alone.”
If you liked this article, see also:
Doctors concerned after man forges 250 great swords effortlessly but becomes exhausted after crafting one Lump of Mithrillium
Activists claim Tequatl mutation the result of illegal dumping of used Boxes o’ Fun
Investigators claim Charr Amour factory, Rawr Armours, the source of clipping issues after discovering Rawr used clips as raw material
Edit: Can’t change title… Elder Dragons, not Elder Dragon’s… oh well.
(edited by Pixels.6532)