Guild Wars 2

Stonghold of Ebonhawke, Eve of Wintersday

Captain Samuelsson approaches the Desert Gate and orders it open. The guards are surprised, as they have not been asked to open the gate for years.

They are even more astonished when an Order of Whispers Agent suddenly materializes, and releases an army of tiny Toy Soldiers.

The Toy Soldiers march silently through the gate, and Captain Samuelsson orders it closed behind them…

((

[[But then the Mayor of Ebonhawke would be forced to pursue an alliance with the Seperatists who indeed have a strong presence in Ebonhawke. This may smash the Renegade/Separatist pact, although whether this would be enough combined force to hold back a Renegade assault remains to be seen.]]

I’m hoping to sneak in a little “How the Grinch stole Christmas” twist to the whole lawsuit (lol), you know, Tixx’s Infinirarium can travel from city to city almost instantaneously, so why not the golem-shaped airship makes its way to Ebonhawke, drops giftboxes all over the city & thus diffuses the chaotic situations (Tyria’s court dismisses the case out of gratitude; charrs cancel the siege, reckon the city is doomed because of giftboxes; other races forgive Tixx because the act has saved their people who are trapped in encircled city, etc).

stpetemermaid.5947:

…The Toy Soldiers march silently through the gate, and Captain Samuelsson orders it closed behind them…

ROFLMAO ))

[[Oops, sorry if I stole your fun! I thought the 2 hour deadline was fo’ realz and figured that Ebonhawke would have to act fast to prevent the assault]]

(( No you did not steal any fun. Thank you for your input on possible truce between garrison & separatists. Perhaps it is the first time they get to celebrate Wintersday together in long time. It’s very festive spirity if you ask me ))

This, my friends, is an epic World Event.

loneknight: Thanks for the “Grinch” twist. Awesome.

Office of the Clerk of Court of the Courts of the Arcane Council, 1st Circuit, Rata Sum
Clerk Bixxit the Thorough

To: Martin Tisdale, Assistant Clerk of Court, Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach, County of Queensdale

Re: Case Number: 475-DR-8913, Roe v. Tixx, Arcane Council Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI

Dear Sir,

The Clerk of Court acknowledges receipt of 4 dolyaks, each bearing 7 Giant Cases of Documents, 9 Small Boxes of Depositions, and 40 Mysterious Files in the matter of Case Number: 475-DR-8913, Roe v. Tixx. The Clerk of Court also acknowledges receipt of Black Frog Courier Service Package Number 44567720, which contains the Diplomatic Representative’s Rights and Responsibilities Case Reassignment Form 27 B/6 certifying that the Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach has transferred Case Number: 475-DR-8913, Roe v. Tixx to the Courts of the Arcane Council. The documents and case have been assigned Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI.

Per the Peacekeeper’s Travel and Gate Lease Agreement, Official Documents, Decrees, and Filing Clause, Judge Tripp formally acknowledges that the terms of the Diplomatic Representative’s Rights and Responsibilities Clause have been fulfilled by Her Majesty and the Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach.

Cheerfully Yours,
Clerk Bixxit

Office of the Secretary of the High Councilor of the Arcane Council
Secretary Trappi the Fastidious

To: Her Majesty and the Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach, County of Queensdale

Re: Case Number: 475-DR-8913, Roe v. Tixx, Arcane Council Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI

Your Highness and Your Honors,

It is often said that trying times strengthen bonds; let it be so today. The Arcane Council is pleased that the disagreements arising from the matter of Roe v. Tixx have been settled so quickly and amicably. It is only occasionally that such matters have arisen between our peoples, and it is always the case that when they do, these matters, while important, are relatively minor.

The diplomacy and graciousness of Her Majesty have once again surpassed the tedious and golemesque nature of the bureaucracy of the Council. On behalf of the Arcane Council, I would like to apologize for our brusque note; we are confident that had we given Her Majesty the time necessary to conduct an Investigation, Her Majesty would have set everything to rights without hesitation or the need for impolitic remonstrations from the Council.

It is unfortunate, in this new age, that the insatiable hunger of the Criers and Printers leads to such furious outrage that the leadership of all nations and peoples are pressed to action when often inaction is the better course. We pray Her Majesty was not unduly hindered or harassed by these forces, though we cannot say the same for the Council, who have been pestered beyond reason by Hordes of Parents and Progeny crying over a potential end to Our Wintersday’s Traditions that has been suggested by the less logical among us.

Your Friend and Ally,
Secretary Trappi

Office of the Secretary of the High Councilor of the Arcane Council
Secretary Trappi the Fastidious

To: The Mayor, Council, and People of Ebonhawke

Re: Case Number: 475-DR-8913, Roe v. Tixx, Arcane Council Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI

Friends,

The Arcane Council is pleased to announce that there will be no changes to the Peacekeeper’s Travel and Gate Lease Agreement. The Mayor, Council, and People of Ebonhawke may sleep peacefully, secure in the Knowledge that the Gates are Open, supplies are flowing freely, and the fortress may be easily reinforced or evacuated at need.

We sincerely regret any consternation or concern these events may have caused you, especially during the joyous season of Wintersday. We hope that you will accept some small tokens of our regret, which, we understand, have been delivered within gift-wrapped presents to publicly accessible spaces in your area. We hope you enjoy them.

Your Friend and Ally,
Secretary Trappi

Rata Sum Society of Barrister Krewes

Roe v. Tixx Will Be Held in Rata Sum
Reporting: Lilla the Krewe Master

Society members will be excited to hear that Roe v. Tixx will be litigated right here in Rata Sum! My sources say the matters were finalized earlier today. Even now Criers are reading a letter from the Council to the citizens of Ebonhawke. We’ll publish a copy as soon as a scrivener gates it to us.

You guys know what this means! Lots of work for Barristers! The list of plaintiffs is growing by the day. The Paper Pusher’s Union are going to make out like bandits. It’s unlikely the attorneys from other jurisdictions can qualify as Barristers, or will be willing to put in the time necessary, so they’ll probably have to hire Barristers too.

My krewe, Lilla, Plott, Muuva, and Krewe, will be looking for more interns, first years, and Newly Certifieds to fill out our Paperwork Division. It will be an excellent opportunity to break into the Big 20 krewes for truly qualified applicants. You Newts who didn’t get signed after finishing your First Year, this is a real gift. You’re going to get to make up a year of lost time sitting on the side lines waiting for next year.

The Other 19 will definitely be hiring too. Krewe HR guys get us your Krewe Call-Ups ASAP so we can get those posted for you. There will be so much gold to go around even the Small Krewes are going to get a piece of the action, so you Barrister hobby guys who have been lurking on the Information Hub might want to look into working with them.

Happy Wintersday Barristers! Happy Wintersday indeed! Who knew Tixx could deliver presents on so many levels!?

Society President Lilla the Krewe Master

Paper Pusher’s Union — Meeting #114,635

Minutes Transcriptionist: Maat the Many Fingered

Emergency Meeting, Quorum Met

Pres: I call this meeting to order. This meeting’s purpose is to begin preliminary preparations and discussions for handling Roe v. Tixx. [VPres Begins Laughing Loudly] [Pres. holds up a Toasting Cup] Board members, we are about to ride on a tsunami of litigation that will quite possibly make us the richest Asurans, or sentient beings, in Kryta. May we…

VPres: [Still Laughing] Oh, ohhhhh, I, I, can’t stop laughing. My stomach hurts. My cheeks hurt.

Pres: Hold it down, Giplik. I’m trying to finish a toast here. May we…

VPres: [Still Laughing] Ohhh, Gods, please let me stop laughing. [VPres. falls to ground] Owww, oh… [Pained, Intermittent Chuckling]

Pres: I think Giplik speaks for all of us. May we not laugh too hard in public. [Drinks]

Treas: Mr. President, I move we table all business and begin drinking.

Sec: I second that motion.

Pres: Any opposed? Anyone? Seeing no opposition, the motion is carried!

Sec: Now pass me whatever Giplik was drinking.

Minutes End

From: Yakka the Prodigious, Vice President, Intellectual Properties Division, ACME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC.

To: Plott, Master Barrister, Parlimentarian Plenipotentiary of Lilla, Plott, Muuva, and Krewe

RE: Consultations ACME PISAPSID, Patent Protection Action V. Tixx Infinirarium

I hear your firm is going to get involved in Roe v. Tixx. We’ve already hired you to handle our patent claims against Tixx Infinirarium. Don’t forget which of your clients has been with you the longest. I don’t know where you’re going to come down on this but we better get the money we’re entitled to. We don’t care which pile it comes from, if that helps you decide. It would probably be better if we didn’t win. That nut job might have used it in one of his “presents.” Have you seen those things!? Try getting your kids to open their Wintersday presents after they’ve seen one of those. Gods! What is that man thinking!?

Seriously, don’t forget who got you started. You know what I mean.

Yakka

Can no one else see that this is a plot by Tixx to overthrow the Queen? Are you all so blind? Those “toys” pop out of presents in the wilderness and kill people and valuable wildlife. How long before they start appearing in our fair cities and kill people? I suspect one present filled with level 80 Princess Dolls is planned to appear in the Queen’s chambers and assassinate her! The people who have minipets are undoubtably involved in this plot. Everyone who is seen with a minipet should be detained and questioned. And what about costume brawl you ask? A game where people imitate these murderous toys and attack other people in our cities? Everyone playing “costume brawl” is OBVIOUSLY part of this conspiracy and should be arrested and detained. I have deep suspicions involving many people. What is Logan doing about all this, I want to know?

From: Plott, Master Barrister, Parlimentarian Plenipotentiary of Lilla, Plott, Muuva, and Krewe

To: Yakka the Prodigious, Vice President, Intellectual Properties Division, ACME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC.

RE: Consultations ACME PISAPSID, Action Settlement Deposit

Dear Sir,

The Black Frog Courier Service has just contacted me. I regret to inform you that the courier carrying your last message to me has disappeared. As has your message. Undoubtedly, your message was regarding where to deposit the settlement proceeds of your cause of action. I’ve taken the liberty of depositing it with Black Lion for pickup anywhere you choose. Per the agreement with the parties, all records have been destroyed and all parties agree that the matter is settled and subject to complete confidentiality.

Yours,
Plott

((Black Frog has personally turn this thread into a legal drama, great job ! ))

Cheers of joy have once again return to city of Ebonhawke. Sighs of relief are heard as well, especially from insurance agents…

Outside the stronghold, the charr warbands begin to disperse, after they have catapulted their radio, still broadcasting Trappi’s letter to Ebonhawke, onto the city’s wall…

In the secret hideout of the separatists, repair to damaged facilities is in full swing after the last of toys, bursting out of the package from Mayor Rogan, are finally taken down…

An Order of Whispers agent, who was disguised as the courier delivering Mayor’s letter to separatists, hurried back to Chantry of Secrets with the original letter which he switched with a Tixx’s giftbox. “Sure hope this means a promotion.” the agent muses…

Blood Legion Motorgolem Brigade has joined Reformed Church of Dwayna in picketing outside the asuran gates, protesting against heavy gate toll on choir bells ("Free for first 2 bells. Extra bell will be charged additionally) & non-asuran standard sized signboards…

Lion Arch’s sewage issue has been resolved after Captain’s Council engaged the help of Mesmer Trainer. Meanwhile the Lion Arch’s Geographic Survey (LAGS) reports a dramatic increase in height of hills surrounding Coriolis Plaza…

In the cryptic vault at Chantry of Secrets, the Master of Whispers massages her tired legs (from long period of standing to allow her rear to heal better) with a scroll holder containing detailed schematics depicting asuran gate technology. “So close to using this trump card….”

This is fabulous! You’re making me want to go back to school for law!

To: Ikktak
From: Yakka

Problem solved. We’re clean and clear.

To: Klaxxon
From: Ikktak

Proceed with your previous suggestion. I’m available whenever you need me. Jonn will get me wherever you need me to be.

Request for Proposals

Communications Strategy for CME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC

PISAPSID Strategic Market Development Department
Originating Vice President: Klaxxon the Verbose
Project Approval: Chief Executive Officer Ikktak the Enigmatic

cc: Kahppluk Enterprises; Molla, Snoot, and Assoc; Gold Trumpet Communications; Lion’s Roar Media, Inc.

Non-Disclosure and Security Agreements

The contents of this RFP are subject to the NDA you signed on the cover letter.

Per our standing agreements with all of your firms, this RFP is rated Classified for contract handling purposes.

Paper Pushers are limited to Bonded and Licensed Union Members with a rating of Total Silence on all evaluations.

For this contract, PISAPSID will also be approving the employee and Paper Pusher assignments before those individuals are informed of the specifics. We reserve the right to approve on whatever basis we see fit.

RFP Standards

• Bid Structure: Sealed, Allika Bid Scoring Procedure, Best Price to Services Ratio, Availability/Price of Value Added Services

• Bid Deadline: Immediate; All bidders will receive 50g to expedite bid review

Project Specifications

Bidder will: provide public communications strategy guidance to PISAPSID for navigating the Roe v. Tixx litigation. Advice and guidance will include how best to avoid negative impacts to core business based on general public attitude towards toys, defective or not.

Bidder will: advise on how best to capitalize on negative publicity for Tixx Infinirarium and whatever information can be gathered on all other competitors in our market segment.

Bidder will: provide guidance and employees to start and staff a permanent Communications Office, to be established in Lion’s Arch immediately upon signing contract.

Bidder will: provide guidance and employees to start a special Krewe dedicated to acquiring for PISAPSID the role of Wintersday Sponsor. This Krewe will focus its efforts on helping PISAPSID build the necessary reputation and marketing materials, including logos, advertising, and a marketable Mascot. This Krewe will operate incognito. Any and all future references to this Krewe should be labeled “Advanced Font Research” in all documents. The members of this Krewe should be discreet to a fault. Day to day specifics will be handled in person by a liason.

Office of the Clerk of Court of the Courts of the Arcane Council, 1st Circuit, Rata Sum
Clerk Bixxit the Thorough

To:

Tixx
Tixx Infinirarium, Inc
Romana, Ray, Orochi, LLP
Ben-Jarvis, Green, Ellis LLP
Denn and Krane
Dr. Falz
Generators’ Representative Union of New Tyria
Shirley Yujest
Yumiko Emi Ishida
Lightbringer, The Order of Whispers
Gruk, an Ettin
et al.

Re: Arcane Council Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI, Roe v. Tixx

All listed parties and all interested parties with a valid claim in the matter of Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI, hereafter referred to as Roe v. Tixx, are hereby notified that the Courts of the Arcane Council, 1st Circuit, Rata Sum will immediately begin accepting motions and filings through the Office of the Clerk of Court.

A Hearing for The Initial Review of the Documents and Establishment of Barristers will be held the morning of the day after the finale of Wintersday.

Parties are reminded that the laws governing the Courts of the Arcane Council require the representation of an accredited Barrister to speak on their behalf in the Court. Parties are also reminded that the transaction of all documents, filings, and research between the Court and the Parties are the purview of the Paper Pusher’s Union. The Parties must find and hire their own Paper Pushers; the Court has it’s own.

Attorneys, Solicitors, and other Practitioners of the Legal and Advocacy Arts who wish to obtain Barrister Certification are encouraged to contact the Office of Professional Certifications to begin the process. Parties are reminded that they are subject to all of the rules and regulations governing Asurans seeking the same certifications.

Preliminary Findings: Roe v. Tixx

Judge Tripp finds that:

Several parties claim to represent Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium. This court has no information from Tixx or Tixx Infinirarium as to whom it recognizes as such. The parties claiming representation of Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium should settle this matter immediately. Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium are reminded that they are party to a lawsuit and that, if they are not represented at trial, no defense will be offered on their behalf.

Judge Tripp finds that:

The Generators’ Representative Union of New Tyria should file Union grievances in the appropriate venue. Claims or complaints made by the Generators’ Representative Union of New Tyria are hereby severed from Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI and transferred to the Labor Board.

Judge Tripp finds that:

Yumiko Emi Ishida’s complaint is a matter for the Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach, as the incident described occurred in that location and has no bearing on the claims made against Tixx or Tixx Infinrarium. Claims or complaints made by Yumiko Emi Ishida are hereby severed from Case ID: 4QRL-66UG-MNLP-8989-A876-5309-QR13-4498-1264-PWEI and transferred to the Superior Court of Divinity’s Reach.

Judge Tripp finds that:

Gruk, an Ettin, is not an Asuran and not a member of a nation, People, or Organization that is a Signatory to the Peacekeeper’s Travel and Gate Lease Agreement. As such, Gruk, an Ettin, has no standing in this Court. Claims or complaints made by Gruk, an Ettin, are hereby dismissed with Prejudice.

Judge Tripp REBUKES:

Agent Lightbringer, The Order of Whispers. The Court rebukes Agent Lightbringer for interfering in a matter before the Courts of the Arcane Council. Agent Lightbringer is reminded that neither Agent Lightbringer nor the Order of Whispers have the authority to dispense punishment for offences, real or imagined, within the Jurisdiction of the Court. Further attempts to intefere or to advocate for interference will result in a Warrant for Agent Lightbringer’s Arrest. The Court will leave it to the Arcane Council to Remind the Order of Whispers of the travel restrictions associated with such Warrants.

Formal Announcement,
Clerk Bixxit

Have to toss this in here. Thread of the year, awesome guys/ladies. I really LOL’ed at this thread. And I enjoyed all of your imagination in this thread, hope to see more from all of you in the coming months, on future “infractions”, against us the members of Tyria.

From: Klaxxon the Verbose, Vice President PISAPSID Strategic Market Development Department

To: Kahppluk Enterprises; Molla, Snoot, and Assoc; Gold Trumpet Communications; Lion’s Roar Media, Inc.

Re: Contract Award

Lion’s Roar has won our contract. Got to hand it to their bid team; it’s obvious they’d already been considering the possibility. Excellent prep work.

Thanks to all the bid teams. Lion’s Roar won the day but you guys all put up top notch packages. The 50 gold piece expediting fee has been disbursed to Black Lion for pickup.

Cordially,
Klaxxon the Verbose

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Klaxxon the Verbose

Contract received and signed. Your courier should have it in hand. We’ve got a 6 person office team put together already. They’re rousting a landlord from his sleep to get a lease on a spot. We can provide regular updates, but it’ll be simpler to trust us to run it right. Your liason is welcome to hang around the office.

The Advanced Font Research team is still on the drawing board. We’re pulling people in from all over the place. We want true artists, obviously. They won’t come quick or cheap. We’ll let you know when we’ve got a solid bunch.

Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Droda Nighteyes

Drop all your projects. Need you guys to do some oppo research on Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC. Can’t provide specifics. Look at everything you can. Keep me posted and be discrete.

Ed

To think an entire story arc can evolve from a simple product liability suit. I am impressed! Thanks for all of your contributions!

From: Ed
To: Jenny

You once said I could just drop you a line. Ikktak the Enigmatic will be at The Total Toy Convention. He probably has an opinion on recent events, if someone asked.

Ed

From: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Bob,
I’m taking Firesword and Newcastle to ToyCon tomorrow. Looking to get some A roll interview with big manufacturers, plus some B roll of toys not attacking people. Any word on the new guy?

Jenny

From: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Jenny,
Have fun. But keep an eye out. Those toys are no joke. We’ve lost two reporters to toy soldiers in the last week.

The new guy just checked in. I’ll send him out to meet you at ToyCon. Be nice to him. He’s good, I promise. Name is Karl Beerstein.

I get any receipts for times before you sent that mail, I’m not paying. Stop with the expense account stretching, already.

Bob

From: Jenny
To: Ed

I’ll be there. Not sure why, but I’ll be there.

Jenny

From: Ed
To: Jenny

Thanks. This makes us even.

Miss you,
Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Ikktak the Enigmatic; Jonn, High Secretary; Klaxxon the Verbose

We’ve got a major network coming to ToyCon to get a sound bite from Ikktak.

Here’s the format:

Ikktak will walk out of the Director’s Subforum, be slightly surprised and clearly reluctant to see LANN reporter. Reporter will ask what he thinks of “recent events.”

Stick to the soundbite! “Wintersday is a time for joy and happiness. I look forward to spending the holidays with my family.” The reporter will ask a followup, because you didn’t really address “recent events.” Question will likely come in the form of “Have you heard about the accusations against Tixx and his defective toys.” Or something very similar. Doesn’t matter, stick to the script: “I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media, I just know I want to spend a quiet holiday with my family. What more could any of us ask for?”

Chances are good that you’ll have whet the reporter’s appetite by avoiding direct response. Final followup is likely to focus on defective toys. Something like “What do you have to say about the accusations that Tixx’s Wintersday toys are dangerous?” Stick to the script, “I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media. PISAPSID toys are educational, durable, and safe. We can’t speak for anyone else. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my grandson asked for a PISAPSID Big Block set and I’m not going to let him down. Happy Wintersday!”

Ikktak, if you haven’t done this sort of thing before, just memorize the quotes. Repeat them ad nauseam. The reporters aren’t going to ask about the logic of repeating it, so don’t go off script. When in doubt, stick to “Wintersday is a time for joy and happiness. I look forward to spending the holidays with my family.” You’ll do fine.

Stick to the script!

Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Angelica Hewston; Ikktak the Enigmatic; Jonn, High Secretary; Klaxxon the Verbose

All-
Angie H. is the head of the Comms Office established in the contract. We’ve named the team Central Staffing and all the members will be titled Exec. Secretary. Angie is going to be our designated leaker.

Ikktak, after you finish the interview, the reporter is going to start doing background work. That will include contacting your press office to get statements. Angie is going to be the point of contact. She’s going to “go off script” by “accident” and suggest that PISAPSID was very concerned by recent reports about defective toys and has already conducted a safety review of its toys.

The stance we’re looking to spin is that you’re concerned about safety in general, kids in particular but you’re not blame guy or finger pointing guy. You’re concerned, responsible, quiet guy.

Remember, stick to the script. Let Angie and the Team do the work.

Ed

I had no idea what I was getting into when i clicked on this subject… but I am ROLLING with laughter!!! I love the GW2 community, thanks guys! I needed this laugh!

What an amazing thread! I laughed so hard at the (well written) Complaint and Answer.

I predict that many years from now, when we are all getting ready for Guild Wars 3 and are scrambling to pay 700g for a Ventari Doll to complete HOM V2, many people will look back at this as one of their favorite GW2 memes.

The Daily Lion

Tixx Competitors Worried, Cautious
by: Jennifer Wardwood and Karl Beerstein, LANN Distribution Service

This year’s Total Toy Convention, more commonly known as ToyCon, was a subdued affair. Toymakers from around the world displayed their wares, but the usual outrageous and often pyrotechnic demonstrations were not in evidence. Reports of Wintersday toys produced by Tixx Infinirarium attacking members of the public appeared to weigh heavily on the minds of most.

When asked about the somber mood of ToyCon, Siobhan, of Kringle’s Krafts, replied “Toymakers are in a bad spot. Every kid wants new, shiny, exciting toys. But anything that moves and certainly anything autonomous is being eyed with suspicion. We’ve got a 2 year production lead time and right now I’ve got a warehouse of wind-up Dancing Bears that no distributor will dare to buy. We’re not the only ones in this boat either. It’s awful. Just awful for the industry.”

Jon Mendhellson, of Shiverspeak Sleds and Skates, was slightly more optimistic. “We’re fortunate that our market segment is focused on sport and the active lifestyle. We’ve sold out of skates from the new youth lines. We’ve done pretty well on adult models too. I guess parents want to be out there with their kids to keep an eye on things, what with all the giant presents falling from the sky.”

None of the booth representatives for the big toy companies would comment on the record. Most seemed to have gotten little sleep and many spent an inordinate amount of time looking up at the sky and wincing at loud noises.

The management teams of the ToyCon participants held a closed door meeting this afternoon that lasted more than 4 hours. Most of the participants left without comment and those that did were clearly reluctant to say anything at all.

“I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media.” said Ikktak the Enigmatic, CEO of Tixx rival ACME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID). “PISAPSID toys are educational, durable, and safe. We can’t speak for anyone else. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my grandson asked for a PISAPSID Big Block set and I’m not going to let him down. Happy Wintersday!”

Despite the public statements of the chief rivals to Tixx Infinirarium, the issue of defective toys has clearly struck a nerve. Sources within PISAPSID tell us that within hours of the first reports of homocidal toys, PISAPSID management ordered an immediate safety review of its designs and production facilities. Though their internal review has found no safety issues or violations, management has been exceedingly cautious, going as far as to send out observers to oversee the loading and unloading of packages. “Ikktak told us he’d do whatever it takes to make sure Wintersday can be salvaged. He also told us he’d fire anyone who spoke badly of our competitors. ’We’re all in this together,’ he said and then he got a tear in his eye. ‘Wintersday is what’s important, not this silly business we’re in.’”

The Daily Lion

Asuran Courts Move Case; Tensions Rise with Filings
by: Jennifer Wardwood and Karl Beerstein, LANN Distribution Service

Judge Tripp of the Courts of the Arcane Council has scheduled an initial hearing for the Roe v. Tixx case on the day after the conclusion of Wintersday. In the 48 hours since the case was relocated to the Asuran court system, the Office of the Clerk Court has been swarmed by hundreds of Paper Pushers, Barristers, and potential Plaintiffs trying to get their documents filed before the end of Wintersday.

The President of the Paper Pusher’s Union, Dalk the Talker, gazed out over the scene from the arcade, a smile nearly splitting his face in two. “There really isn’t anything quite as amazing as the magnificent efficiency with which the Asuran people approach every task. It is really quite stunning to see in action.”

Toby Hauser, an intern with Ben-Jarvis, Green, Ellis LLP, did not agree with Dalk’s characterization of the scene. “Oh. My. Gods. It’s like trying to navigate the Labyrinth of Deadliness in the dark with a blindfold on! Did you know you can’t actually file anything!? You must hire a Paper Pusher to do it for you! And even if you do file it, it just gets rejected because it must be submitted by a Barrister! Good luck trying to become a Barrister in this century!”

Tensions exploded yesterday when Gretel Bjornsdottir, a Norn who was attempting to join onto one of the many class action suits taking shape, came to blows with several members of the Paper Pusher’s Union and had to be subdued by no fewer than a dozen Peacemakers in full riot gear.

“What a loverly Wintersday,” complained one observer standing outside the Office of the Clerk of Court, “All we need to complete it is for that flying monstrosity to fall, flaming, from the sky.”

Tyria Today, Divinity’s Reach Edition, excerpt from a piece titled “Security And Insecurity Within Tyria”

In Ebonhawke, the very prospect of peace has started a new dialogue between the seperatists and the Council of Ebonhawke. With the Council having, under duress, pre-signed an agreement to allow the Council to be constructed of a 50/50 split of those who support Queen Jennah and Separatists, it would only take a pen on the other side of that page to form a coalition government.

Many Separatists who have been forced to stay away from Ebonhawke in exile due to the pro-Divinity’s Reach stance of the officialdom, have managed to visit their former home in peace. Several parents who have not seen their own children for years have been able to spend the holiday season as a family. There is an uneasy tension, similar to that found in places where civil wars have come to an end, but the Vanguard have been able to quell the few altercations which have taken place.

It is a time of peace, for now, for all mankind in Ebonhawke. The Charr living in the region, however, are more than a little nervous…

The Daily Lion

PISAPSID Holds Quiet Local Giveaways
by: Mokk the Reporter

Shortly after dinner time today, PISAPSID Vice Presidents and other members of management oversaw giveaways of toys to children in towns and farmsteads all over the world. The Wintersday Giftaway was focused on children whose homes and neighborhoods have been hit hardest by the defective toys plaguing Tixx Infinirarium. The Giftaway was not advertised, but was instead organized through local charities and neighborhood organizations.

The PISAPSID managers offered no comment as they gave away dolls and wooden toys, speaking only to the children and their parents and offering quiet words of support. The mood was cautiously festive as the children claimed their unwrapped presents.

PISAPSID Spokesperson Angelica Hewston gave a brief comment shortly after the conclusion of the Ebonshawke Giftaway. “It’s Wintersday. Many families lost everything and continue to live with daily outbursts and falling objects. Families who live in areas affected by worldwide troubles and local warfare deserve a moment’s peace during Wintersday. PISAPSID wants to help them have that moment and some small measure of happiness during this most unusual Wintersday. We wish everyone a joyous Wintersday and hope that you and yours have a safe and relaxing holiday.”

Parents and children in Ebonshawke seemed appreciative. “Dora was heartbroken when the princess doll she asked for went beserk.” offered Mrs. Smythe, a baker in Ebonhawke. “Her grandfather’s heart attack during the incident put a real damper on Wintersday. Mr. Klaxxon gave her the cutest little fuzzy bear. She’s finally fallen asleep after a few tense days. These people are wonderful.”

We have attempted to contact Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium for comment on recent events, but spokespersons for the company said they would not be able to comment until after the holiday.

Nighteyes Investigations

From: Droda
To: Ed

The PISAPSID research is yielding pretty much what you would expect for a big company that’s been around a while. Lawsuits. Good years. Bad years. Pretty good money. No big problems. Not even local zoning board kerfuffles or that sort of thing. There have been on again, off again legal squabbles between them and Tixx, but all those guys seem to spend a lot of time suing each other. From what I see its pretty normal for their business.

If you want me to keep looking I will, but if you’re looking for something in particular, you’re going to have to point the way.

Droda

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Droda Nighteyes

I don’t know what I’m looking for or if there’s anything to look for. These guys are going to be in the news a bit, I just want to make sure we don’t get blindsided. Take a peak at the CEO and whoever his deputies are. If you still got nothing, drop it.

Thanks
Ed

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 42, Communication Log, Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository, Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Honored Sir,
I have been retained to represent Chuk Tail-Lore in the matter of Roe v. Tixx. Attached please find my Application for Immediate Certification as Barrister. Enclosed is the non-refundable processing fee and the Citizenship Declaration Form.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 5c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status
To Whom It May Concern,
All filings and document transfers must be conducted by licensed Paper Pushers and filed properly. You may find temporary Paper Pusher help at a local Union hall in your area.

Thank you,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 5c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 10c

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Honored Sir,
I am located in the Black Citadel. There isn’t a Paper Pusher’s Union in my area. Can you please provide the contact information for the Union?

What is this fee information at the bottom of the letter?

Respectfully,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 10c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 15c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

To Whom It May Concern,
If you are not an Asuran, you will need to visit them in person at their office in Rata Sum to hire one of your own.

The fee information listed at the bottom of each letter is the amount that the Paper Pusher’s Union charges to handle transactions and inquiries.

Thank You,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 15c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 40c

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Sir,
Thank you for the contact information. I’ll hire one tomorrow.

I don’t understand how you can charge me for asking questions without warning me in advance. I don’t even know how to pay the fee!

Sincerely,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
THIRD MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 40c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 75c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Charges and rates can be found in the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers.

You can be charged the Pusher Fees because, as was made clear in the PPUGPP, by engaging in discourse with the Courts of the Arcane Council you are automatically consenting to the Fees laid out in the PPUGPP.

You can pay the fees through the Paper Pusher’s Union. Perhaps when you visit the Union hall to hire one.

Thank you,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
THIRD REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 75c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 2s 10c

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 319, Cubicle 3144-A, Suite B

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Personnel Division

Re: Hiring Paper Pushers

To whom it may concern, I would like to hire a Paper Pusher to file my application for Barrister status. I’m told I need to come to your local hall in Rata Sum.

Do I need to make an appointment? Can I get a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers?

Thank you,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FOURTH MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 2s 10c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 2s 45c

OUTGOING

From: Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Mara,
I would be glad to help you hire a Paper Pusher when you arrive in Rata Sum.

No, appointments aren’t necessary, but there will be a line, I’m sure.

No, I cannot give you a copy of “the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers.”

Thank you,
Takaa

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FOURTH REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 2s 45c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 3s

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Personnel Division

Re: re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Takaa,

Thank you for your reply. I see that Pusher fees are still at the bottom of the letters. I fear to ask any further questions, lest I be charged for them.

I may not have asked the right question last time. Perhaps I can keep the charges down by asking better questions. How do I get a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers? Would it be any cheaper to ask questions at the Union hall?

Thanks,
Mara

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FIFTH MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
EXCESSIVE OVERAGES PENALTY: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 3s
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 4s 35c

OUTGOING

From: Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Mara,
You’re welcome. Yes, the Pusher fees will be displayed on all letters sent or received by a Paper Pusher. Your assumption, which is buried in your implied question, is correct; all questions incur a fee.

I cannot ascertain whether or not you asked the “correct” question previously. But if you’re asking my opinion, and it appears that you are, then, no, you did not ask the correct question.

Yes, the answer to your tortuously evasive question is, you can keep the bill down by keeping the questions to a minimum. This would appear to be a natural corollary to the information expressed in the first paragraph of this letter. Something to ponder. That one’s free.

Since all Paper Pusher transactions must be documented, it is not possible to evade the fees necessary to lubricate the wheels of justice and economic transactions.

The manual you’re looking for is called the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents. They haven’t called it the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers in years. I assume you want fees and rates, so you’ll want the most update version. You can buy a copy when you get here.

I look forward to seeing you in the morning. I’m sure you’ll want to avoid any further letter fees. You’re pretty quick for a non-Asura.

Takaa

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FIFTH REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
EXCESSIVE OVERAGES PENALTY: 1s
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
CUSTOMER INQUIRY, IMPLIED: 10c
PROFESSIONAL OPINION, SAME DAY: 10s
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 4s 35C
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 17s 90c

This thread is so full of win. I love all the references. Warwood and Beerstein…Bob Newheart. This episode of LA (Lion’s Arch) Law is pretty awesome!

Black Lion Trader’s

From: Jack Flower
To: Dalk the Talker, Paper Pusher’s Union

Mr. President,
Thank you for your request and your custom. We would be delighted to help you with your banking needs. We have arranged regular transport and an onsite bank manager.

This letter is being delivered by Mr. Switzer, who will setup a small vault and banker’s cage within the Hall. He will work with whomever you wish to setup a payment and receipt system so that your members need not concern themselves with the details of making change and the like. Switzer is a good man and entirely at your service.

Yours,
Jack Flower
Customer Concierge Service

Black Lion Traders

From: Jack Flower
To: Barrington Switzer

Barry,
I’m sending Tom and the boys and an Accounting Golem. Not sure if you’ve used one before, but it has a Help menu if you have issues. Just feed it coins and it should work fine.

See about getting us a deal on a Paper Pusher franchise. Maybe we can set something up throught the TP. Also, see about getting us free Pushers of our own. If we ever have to file a case here the fees will eat us alive.

Jack

Black Lion Traders

From: Barrington Switzer
To: Jack Flower

Jack,
This should be coming back with Tom and the Golem. They’re full up with coins and the vault is filling up fast. We’re gonna need back up teams and probably a dolyak train during business hours.

Dalk gave up the contracts for our own personal 6 Pushers in perpetuity. He didn’t blink, just thanked us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Asuran that happy. No franchises though.

Okay, you need to get me some help quick. I’m having to stack stuff on the floor.

Barry

Awesome thread.

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CUSTOMER SERVICE TRANSCRIPT
Transcriptionist: Wootank
Paper Pusher: Martokk
Customer Service Window #317

FIRST CONTACT
Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 17s 90c

New Client Contact: 5c
Previous Balance Due: 17s 90c
Current Balance Due: 17s 95c

Mara Firetongue: I would like to buy a copy of the most current Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: You’ll have to setup an account first. Would you like to setup a personal account or a business account?

Mara Firetongue: Personal, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. Just a moment while I fill out your Account Creation Form

New Account Fee, Personal: 10s
Account Form Submission Fee: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 17s 95c
Current Balance Due: 28s 95c

Paper Pusher Martokk: Okay, please sign the form at the bottom. You’ll need to pay your balance due before I can activate the account.

Mara Firetongue: Okay. There’s the form and here’s the coin.

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but I can’t handle coins at this window, only receipts. You’ll need to get into Black Lion line. Once you’ve got your receipt, bring it back and I can activate the account.

Customer Education: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 28s 95c
Current Balance Due: 29s 95c

Mara Firetongue: Are you kidding?

Paper Pusher Martokk: No.

Mara Firetongue: [Loud sigh] Okay.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 29s 95c
Current Balance Due: 30s 5c

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CONTINUED

SECOND CONTACT
Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 0

New Client, 2nd Contact: 15c
Previous Balance Due: 0
Current Balance Due: 15c

Mara Firetongue: Okay. Here’s the receipt showing I’ve paid my dues.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Excellent. One moment while I activate the account.

New Account Activation, Personal: 10s
Black Lion Receipt Processing Fee: 10s
Previous Balance Due: 15c
Current Balance Due: 20s 15c

Paper Pusher Martokk: The account is activated.

Mara Firetongue: I would like to buy a copy of the most current Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. The loose leaf version is 1g, the bound version is 2g.

Mara Firetongue: [Expletive] Looseleaf version, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Here you are. Careful now, you wouldn’t want to drop it. We offer complimentary string in the Form Completion Area, if you’d like to practice some knot making. [chuckles]

PPUGPPD, v26228551.9: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 20s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 15c

Mara Firetongue: Thank you. I know it will cost me 10c, but could you please, please tell me what a humble Charr Attorney looking for Paper Pusher help with Barrister filings should focus on?

Paper Pusher Martokk: Yes, I could.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c

{note: 20 seconds elapse; Chakaa}

Mara Firetongue: Oh. my. gods. I should have known better.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Yes, you should have. But, I must say, you’re catching on much quicker than most of the others. You also seem to be taking it better. Not like that Norn the other day. As a Wintersday gift to you, most humble Charr, the answer to the question you meant to ask is: you should first focus on getting a Business Account, as all Barrister-related matters are classified as Business Transactions.

Customer Inquiry—COMP: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c

Mara Firetongue: [Groaning] I’d like to set up a Business Account, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. I’ll have to cancel your Personal Account first.

Mara Firetongue: Okay! Please cancel my Personal Account.

Paper Pusher Martokk: I can’t.

Mara Firetongue: [Customer’s face is on the counter] ~INAUDIBLE~ [gasping for breath] [shaking head]

{Note: Customer is mumbling, cannot understand speech. May be crying or laughing; Chakka}
{Note: Customer was both laughing AND crying; customer mumbled “this has to be a joke”; Martokk}

Paper Pusher Martokk: There, there! Are you okay? Take a moment to catch your breath. You see, Personal Accounts with a Balance Due of 1g or more must be paid before any further action can be taken on the account.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Medical Status Inquiry: 10s
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 30s 35c

Mara Firetongue: Okay, okay, okay. I’m going to the Black Lion line. Wait!

Paper Pusher Martokk: [chuckles]

Mara Firetongue: Oh gods. It might not even be the right line. [Resigned sigh] Do I pay the bal… oh… wait…

Paper Pusher Martokk: [chuckles]

Mara Firetongue: Where do I pay my balance due?

Paper Pusher Martokk: Ha! You pay your balance due in the Black Lion line. Excellent job! You’re getting the hang of it, Ms. Firetongue!

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 30s 35c
Current Balance Due: 1g 30s 45c

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CONTINUED

THIRD CONTACT

Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 0

New Client, 3rd Contact: 25c
Previous Balance Due: 0
Current Balance Due: 25c

Mara Firetongue: Okay. Here’s my receipt showing that I’ve paid my accounts due. Please cancel my Personal Account and setup a Business Account.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly, Ms. Firetongue! It will take me just a moment to complete the Cancellation Form and fill out a new Business Account Form.

Account Cancellation Fee: 50s
New Account Activation, Business: 50s
Black Lion Receipt Processing Fee, Business: 50s
Previous Balance Due: 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 50s 15c

Paper Pusher Martokk: Here’s your business member card, a complimentary pen (the requisite Shinebolt 461, Ink Type: Blue L, mind you), and a complimentary Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30 Edition, Looseleaf Binder, Grey!

Mara Firetongue: Thank you. I can put my Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents in it!

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m afraid it won’t fit. Sorry to disappoint you.

Mara Firetongue: [grumbling] And so another question. [sighing] Why won’t it fit?

Paper Pusher Martokk: The binder only fits the Business Edition of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 50s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 50s 25c

Mara Firetongue: [banging head on counter]

Paper Pusher Martokk: Oh dear, Ms. Firetongue. Don’t do that to yourself. I thought you had it licked. Buck up! You can do this!

Mara Firetongue: [speaking slowly, quietly] I’d like a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, Business Edtion, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Of course! An initial copy comes free with a business account! Here you go.

Mara Firetongue: That was too easy.

Paper Pusher Martokk: My dear! Did I not say that you catch on more quickly than the others?

Mara Firetongue: That was a question! 10c please!

Paper Pusher Martokk: tsk, tsk, tsk. For shame, Ms. Firetongue. You should know better.

Paper Pushing, Unlicensed, 1st Warning: 1g
Paper Pushing, Union Penalty: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 1g 50s 25c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 25c

Mara Firetongue: Arrrgghh! I was just joking!

Paper Pusher Martokk: There’s nothing funny about Pushing Papers, madam.

Mara Firetongue: [Dejectedly] Okay. What’s the catch with the free Guide?

Paper Pusher Martokk: There is no catch.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 25c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 35c

Mara Firetongue: [sobbing openly]

Paper Pusher Martokk: [whispering] You can do it, Ms. Firetongue, you can do it! Just push on through! Since you’re shelling out several gold in penalties, I’ll slip you a bit for free. There’s nothing wrong with the Guide. It’s just that the new edition comes out tomorrow! And before you ask anything, you can get automatic delivery of updated versions for a small fee! You could get it cheaper by waiting in line tomorrow, but I fear you don’t have the constitution for it!

Mara Firetongue: [sniffling] How much?

Paper Pusher Martokk: [normal voice] 5g per edition

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 35c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 45c

Mara Firetongue: [sniffling] Okay. I’d like to get the automatic Business Edition Update for the Guide.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly! Just one moment while I fill out the form.

Automated Update, New Account: 5g
Automated Update, Setup Fee: 1g
Automated Update, Monthly Subscription: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 45c
Current Balance Due: 10g 50s 45c

Mara Firetongue: [Whispering Hoarsely] Where do I go to hire a Paper Pusher for my Barrister filings?

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. You see, Business Accounts with a Balance Due of 10g or more must be paid before any further action can be taken on the account. You’ll want the Black Lion line again, Ms. Firetongue!

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Customer Education: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 10g 50s 45c
Current Balance Due: 10g 51s 55c

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but it’s 3 o’clock, the workday is over. Thank you! Come again!