Guild Wars 2

The devs aren’t doing this, so I feel I should:

Raids:
-To alleviate disadvantages experienced by colour blind players, the Vale Guardian, split Vale Guardians as well as all circles, warnings and effects within the Vale Guardian battle have been changed to blue.
-Rangers may now tame players which have been transformed into slublings.

Open World:
-Gliding duration and descent speed will now be affected by your character’s height and chosen body frame. Asura may glide indefinitely – but should avoid updrafts.
-Failure to defeat Ulgoth on all map instances will result in manditory re-completion of the intro for all human characters.
-With the successful redeployment of bunny ears and SAB, Anet will now be closing the redundant practice of community feedback.
-The upcoming legendary short bow, Chuka and Champawat, has been reclassified to a super-epic weapon.
-Production of all super-epic weapons have been cancelled.
-On taking lethal falling damage, gliders will now properly deploy.
-Accessing the Havoc’s Heir from Verdent Brink will now end badly.
-SAB has been taken offline for maintenance until further notice.
-Outfits may now be equipped with footwear, pants, gloves, shoulders and helms.
-Short bows are now viable.
-All mace uses have been replaced with sceptres. Maces may now be used underwater.
-The Flame Legion.
-Wardrobe choices which clip legs will now cause permanent cripple while equipped.
-Rangers may now tame the Colossus.
-The odds of Sam trinkets dropping in the Ogre Wars meta event have been halved. -Foulbear Chieftain is now accompanied by her pet rabbit Sam – he’s exotic.
-Rifles and pistols now retain set sizes across all races.
-Norns and char engineers may now dual wield rifles.
-Magic find bonus will now be based on total karma instead of luck.
-Killing critters will now invoke a 10% penalty to your total karma.

Adventures:
-To ensure Shooting Gallery is available to the largest possible playerbase during it’s short activation periods, Shooting Gallery will now exclusively open during mordrem raids in the night cycle.
-The Fallen Masks adventure has been reduced in duration by 3 seconds.
-Fungus among us: skill 2 has been disabled.
-Customer support has been reclassified an adventure.

LFG:
-Searching in the open world tab will now remove items matching your search term from list of results.
-To prevent thieves from being auto-kicked from LFG groups, thieves may no longer join LFG groups.

Fractals:
-The Fractal difficulty and selection process have been reverted to a future iteration. Gameplay remains largely unchanged.

Guilds:
-Guilds may now be freely attacked while attempting hard open world Guild Challenges.
-Guild halls now have a weekly rental fee of 2 brown pigments. Rental fees double weekly.

Warrior:
-Rage counter will now properly benefit from bi-weekly class balance Notes.
-Signet of Healing: Passive healing has been temporarily decreased.

Reaper:
-May no longer equip two handed weapons but can equip some great swords.
-No longer incorrectly summons revenants.

Chronomancer:
-Cooldown of Continuum Split has been reduced to 12 seconds.

Thiefs:
Consecutive use of invisibility will result in afk flagging.

Engineer:
-Turrets are now mobile and last 30 seconds max.
-Gyros are now stationary but will always stay upright.
-Using Elixer S will cause nearby minis to aggro you.
-Activating the Self Regulating Defences passive while under the the effects of Elixer S will now result in oblivion.
-Using elixer S will now correctly cause engineers to take 500% increased damage and reduce movement speed by 60%

Elementalist:
-Now equips aquabreather while in water overload.

Chronomancer:
-Cooldown of Continuum Split has been reduced to 12 seconds.

Revenant:
On being downed will become more powerful then you could possibly imagine.

Guardian:
-Equiping the Dragon Hunter elite specialisation now results in the instant death of said characters parents.
-Guardians with backstories implying dead parents are inately implied to be dragon hunter.
-Sylvari guardians must provide forged adoption papers to specialise as Dragon Hunters.
-All Char are presumed dragon hunters until proven otherwise.

Ranger:
-Bristleback: excessive molting will now result in death.
-Smokescale: summoning will now result in death.

PvP:
-Successful execution of finishers will now result in finisher animation specific effects.
-Sufficient use of Druid skills will result in pips.
-Warriors have been disabled.

Story missions:
-The standard Human Commoner story arc has been merged with Tribulation mode.
-Mesmers will automatically activate the migrain challenge mote when entering the heart of thorns story quest.

They devs did this already. :p https://forum-en.gw2archive.eu/forum/info/updates/Game-Update-Notes-April-1-2016-Part-2

woops missed part 2. Still, topic still stands. Going to edit that line out of the top of my post.

I think most players do not appreciate how threads like this (and Anet’s) disrupt the forum goer’s experience, especially those who participate heavily in arguments with other players. We come here for a specific reason and cannot abide time spent on anything remotely fun or jovial.

In the future, they should try and make sure that these threads are only seen by non-forum-pvpers by disabling visibility specifically in those instances and for those players where it may interfere with ongoing 1000+ post back and forth arguments, most importantly those kept alive by 3 or fewer players.

This should be easy enough to do as we all know that programmers (and by extension, forum representatives) can do anything perfectly with a few hours notice – they simply choose not to due to their pure hatred of anything fun or game affirming.

Can not tell if joking or serious -.-
…

Gerrand.3085:

Can not tell if joking or serious -.-
…

Ditto . . .

Gerrand.3085:

Can not tell if joking or serious -.-
…

Isn’t wondering this half the fun of April 1st?

:)

WvW

• Added a new WEXP-Mastery “Siege Dis/Enabler” with 1’000’000’000 levels, the Dis/Enabler with the higher mastery wins, i.e. finally disables or enables the siege.
• To give coverage the importance in WvW it should have in our oppinion, WvW matches have been changed from 24/7 to 24/364. For a smooth transition the current match runs till 31.12.2016.

OPEN WORLD TWEAKS, BUG FIXES, POLISH

Wayfarer Foothills
- Made Linnea finally realize that Bjarni had been replaced by his evil twin brother Igmar. The “Yeti” remains a Jotun.
- Incorporated Linnea-Bjarni-Igmar love triangle into LS3.

Snowden Drifts
- Added Edward Snowden NPC to the Order of Whispers hideout.

Mount Maelstrom
- Replaced Megadestroyer with Gigadestroyer. Gigadestroyer now summons three Megadestroyers at 75%, 50% and 25% health.

Plains of Ashford, Diessa Plateau, Fields of Ruin, Blazeridge Steppes, Iron Marches, Fireheart Rise
- Convinced Separatists to wear armor.

Verdant Brink
- Replaced Pocket Raptors with Pocket Smokescales.
- Coztic Itzel Belongings Hero Challenge: Replaced Veteran Wasp with Champion Wasp, replaced regular Wasps with Veteran Wasps.

I liked it. +1 I’ve played other games and frequented their websites. Developers on other games have often posted these kinds of notes. Not all like them but I do enjoy it. It’s like reading a good piece of satire that has you wondering in the first few sentences if this can possibly be true. Part of the fun is the discovery of the absurdness.

So, my compliments to the OP for taking the time to post it. Nicely done.

For your viewing pleasure, filters have been added under visual options. You can now view the game in sepia, black and white, and greyscale.

Rangers can now steal other ranger’s pets by taming them away if they don’t already have that pet tamed.

RoseofGilead.8907:

They devs did this already. :p https://forum-en.gw2archive.eu/forum/info/updates/Game-Update-Notes-April-1-2016-Part-2

• In order to streamline the experience of Fractals of the Mists, every fractal has been replaced with Swampland.
• Removed all terrain and environment assets from the Mossman encounter. Players will now engage the Mossman in a featureless, gray, circular room, and this is why we can’t have nice things.

I’m detecting some salt. XD
Thanks for the link, Rose

I had a bit of a giggle with the official anet’s thief patch note “Stealth no longer ends when you attack” as this is how it already works in live — stealth only ends when you deal damage, making those backstabs futile to block/dodge. I generally liked the self-awareness of them though

Living World Season 3

• The previously unseen deep-sea elder dragon Bubbles has arrived! Bringing with him dramatically increased water levels. You can now enjoy the wonders of underwater combat everywhere in Tyria. This has also affected WvW, sPvP, fractals, dungeons, and all other instanced events. Have fun

Elementalist
•Removed fire attunement.
•Added dual keyboard support to better support proper elementalist key binding.

How many key bindings do you ele’s go through?

Gaile Gray.6029:

RoseofGilead.8907:

Gerrand.3085:

Can not tell if joking or serious -.-
…

Ditto . . .

I’m reading tongue-in-cheek. If this is serious, I’ll have to moderate my own comment.

I think it’s all good and that it was definitely tongue-in-cheek. The internet just makes us all suspicious.

How dare you think I wasn’t serious …

In the spirit of the OP:

• Deploying a glider now replaces the #1 skill with the “flap arms” ability. Players unable to spam this skill will now fall to their death.

EDIT – I wasn’t serious
(I love April 1)

LanfearShadowflame.3189:

For your viewing pleasure, filters have been added under visual options. You can now view the game in sepia, black and white, and smokescale.

Rangers can now steal other ranger’s pets by taming them away if they don’t already have that pet tamed.

Fixed

In smokescale filter, you will randomly have a smokescale appear, blocking your view and drenching the screen in red.

Profession Skills
Elementalist
Removed fire attunement.
Added dual keyboard support to better support proper elementalist key binding.
Dragonhunter
Now deals 50% bonus damage to dragons and their minions.
Aegis now ends after 5 attacks instead of 1 attack.
Scrapper
Now gains bonus items when salvaging.
Elixir X now uses a random skill from all skills, including monster skills.
Chronomancer
Fixed an exploit that allowed chronomancers to go back in time and kill their opponents in PvP before the match began.
Portal’s recharge has been removed, and the colors of the effects have been changed to blue and orange.
Necromancer
Death shroud can now only be activated from the downed state.
Scepter autoattacks now apply fear.
Revenant
Coalescence of Ruin: Increased damage, range, number of targets, and area of effect while in WvW.
Added a Kilroy Stonekin legend. All skills cause you to run at the closest enemy and scream “KILROY STONEKIN!”
Thief
Stealth no longer ends when you attack.
Steal now transfers ownership of a random weapon from your opponent to you.
Berserker
Fixed a bug that allowed warriors to get kills in Ranked PvP.
Hundred Blades: This skill’s number of attacks has been increased to 100 to properly match its name.

And yet again my poor Ranger is forgotten.

laughs

cries

:(

-You’re now required to Makeover Kit your character to look like an elderly old man if you want to wear the Wizard Hat, otherwise it’s disabled.

Fear on sceptre auto make me giggle.

• Fixed forum bug.

Shrimpkin.4851:

And yet again my poor Ranger is forgotten.

laughs

cries

:(

It rubs the neglect on the skin, or it gets the hose again.

The April 1, 2016 part 2 notes were perfect.

Warrior:
Added throwing spears. Upon equipping said spears, warriors lose their pants and run around shouting at strangers. Yes this sounds like your typical Norn after a moot, but Norn are the only race that cannot use throwing spears…that’s what the bottomless bag of kegs is for.

Asurans

• Now replaced with the skritts.

Norns

• Size shrunk by 90%.

Sylvari

• Now needs photosynthesis to survive. Going to places without sunlight such as dungeons now instantly kill them

Guardians

• All guardian races are now replaced with the quaggans.
• Only quaggans can be guardians.
• Guardians are no longer allowed to fight.

Dragonhunters

• Fixed a bug which allowed Dragonhunters to use the Thu’um.

Thieves

• Will now be automatically attacked by police NPCs such as the Seraph.

Rangers

• Now required to use pokeballs to capture pets. Pets will now scream their names in combat.
• Charrs are now viable pets.

Gameplay

• Being downed now allows players to call an ambulance to bring them to the nearest hospital.
• No longer sends an army’s worth of enemies to players during escort or guard events.
• In order to facilitate a better economy, money is removed. Players now must barter for goods.

Gameplay: Fixed a bug that allowed Mesmers to log into the game.

Gaile Gray.6029:

RoseofGilead.8907:

Gerrand.3085:

Can not tell if joking or serious -.-
…

Ditto . . .

I’m reading tongue-in-cheek. If this is serious, I’ll have to moderate my own comment.

Why do you think I have this nickname?

Blaeys.3102:

How dare you think I wasn’t serious …

In the spirit of the OP:

• Deploying a glider now replaces the #1 skill with the “flap arms” ability. Players unable to spam this skill will now fall to their death.

EDIT – I wasn’t serious
(I love April 1)

BUT I am! >:D

Flapping your arms will only work at great height and then for a maximum of 3 seconds, after which the character will fall to it’s death.

Rangers pets will automatically attack invisible foes within reach. Anyone hit by a ranger pet skill will become revealed, invulnerable and lose all conditions. They will also drop all their armor and equipment. If they don’t pick it up within 20 seconds it will become available for anyone else.

Warriors while 100 blades will hit 100 times each hit will also cause the foe to gain 10 stacks of retribution at 200% damage for each stack back onto the warrior.

Elementalists, when attuning to fire their pants will ignite and the character will run for the nearest source of water. They will be blocked from attuning to water.

Engineers can now claim enemy siege, making it usable by allies

Necromancer minions will not survive the death of their master and gain 20,000% damage against previous allies.

Invisible characters who are revealed will lose their leggings and perform the surprise emote

Dragonhunters can only damage dragons, not other foes.

Mesmers may now teleport anywhere but will be DOA and unable to rez except by going to a waypoint.

Adantine.4269:

Gameplay

• Being downed now allows players to call an ambulance to bring them to the nearest hospital.

Uhhg! That hit me right in the CoH

Thief:
– All non-autoattack skills now heal the foe and apply boons instead of conditions.

BALANCE, BUG-FIXING, POLISH
General

• The Map Travel feature no longer costs money when going to an uncontested waypoint. If it is contested, you can pay a small fee equal to double the cost it normally would have been prior to this update and still go to that waypoint.
• All condition damage received is reduced by 75 percent and cannot exceed 5 stacks. This only applies in PvE areas.
• All non-condition damage from mobs in Heart Of Thorns maps is reduced by a certain amount, depending on your armor.
  - Light armor: 75%
  - Medium armor: 50%
  - Heavy armor: 25%
• Transmutation charges have been removed from the game. Equipment and wardrobe changes can now be made freely at any time without cost.
• Players now have the ability to create custom chat and whisper filters, which will prevent any received message or whisper containing specific filtered words you choose from appearing. There is no limit to how many filters you can have active.

Profession Changes

General

• The amount of health restored by any healing skill is doubled. Cooldown duration is reduced by half.
• Stability duration has been increased to 20 seconds.

Dragonhunter

• Cooldown duration of all trap skills has been reduced by half.
• Damage of all trap skills are now doubled.

Engineer

• Ground targeting for turrets has been restored. It was silently removed in a previous update without explanation.

Curse you Gaile!

All of us who have been fooled shall be avenged! Mark my words!

• New content.
• Promises followed through.
• Honest and open communication.

April Fools!

The amount of health restored by any healing skill is doubled. Cooldown duration is reduced by half.

In PvE that would actually be a great change so long as enemies change to accommodate it to increase difficulty overall. This would give the game more well needed challenge and also by implication up the pace.

Forum PvP is officially sanctioned.

Revenants get a new elite specialization

Legendary Goddess stance
Invoke the power of the legendary Goddess Kormir. Once invoked, you are blinded.

Skills:
Healing: Enchanted Spear: summon a spear to throw at nearby allies. Their health loss is transferred to you as a health gain.
Utility one: Not Phased by Demons: using this skill causes you to lose aggro and transfers it to nearest ally. If more than one ally is near, the aggro goes to the one with the lowest health.
Utility two: Quick riposte: If an ally asks you for help, you tell tell them you are blind and can’t help them no more. Steal a boon from that ally.
Utility three: Impossible Odds (for you, not me): at 10% health you feign death. Transfer agro of all mobs to someone nearby who was trying to help you. When they die gain 100% health and teleport somewhere safe,
Elite Skill: I Deserve This: Steal all boons, loot, XP and karma from nearby allies. Automatically ping in map chat all the loot you got.

• You can now cast Continuum Split while under the effect of Continuum Split, but it will fracture space time, destroying all life as we know it.

General

• Gliding now consumes gold.

Crafting

• Increased the number of silk scraps needed for Bolt of Silk from 3 to 4.

Mystic Forge

• Zommoros now taunts players.

Professions

Elementalist

• Added out-of-combat weapon swap.

Engineer

• Added out-of-combat weapon swap.
• Redesigned kit backpacks are now live!

Herald

• No longer affected by conditions.

General

• Gliding will now activate Aviator Mode so you can have a pleasant flight.

Super Adventure Box

• Tribulation Mode is now the default mode for all worlds.

World vs. World

• Bobblehead mode has been activated in WvW! Zergs can now easily see and be seen by other zergs.
• All multi-target AoE skills have had their target cap removed.
• The Birthday Blaster will now shoot 50 cakes with skill 1, and 150 cakes with skill 2. Keep your zerg fed!
• Gates are now flammable.

Structured Player vs. Player

• All asura characters are now 8x larger while in a match.
• Female human characters will now share a default appearance while in the PvP lobby and any match.
• Steady weapons have been reintroduced with a weapon strength of 0 ~ 0.
• DPS golems in the PvP lobby will now automatically calculate damage dealt to them per second, and inflict on players a combination of Burning, Poison, Bleeding and Torment with the calculated DPS.

Fractals

• New fractal level cap: 150. The fractal for level 101-150 is Mai Trin Boss Fractal.
• From level 101 onwards, Agony Resistance is 50% effective, Mai Trin has 6 cannon phases, and each phase lasts 3x longer. Captain’s Shield can now only be removed by Horrik’s fire shot.
• Mistlock Instability: Agonizing Expedition has been reinstated, and can be found on levels 101-150 alongside Social Awkwardness.

Dungeons

• All dungeons now have Mistlock Instability: Social Awkwardness. This is to discourage stacking.
• Ascalonian Catacombs: Spider Queen can now pull all players within a 1200 radius to her.
• Twilight Arbor: The Aetherpath must now be completed before the level 55 paths can be accessed, in the same run. The Nightmare Tree can now steal life from players with Agony.
• Arah: Giganticus Lupicus now inflicts Weakness and gains Retaliation with every attack.

Just a flesh wound.3589:

Utility two: Quick riposte: If an ally asks you for help, you tell tell them you are blind and can’t help them no more. Steal a boon from that ally.

This made me laugh out loud. Great one.

Lindbur.2537:

General

• All dungeons now have Mistlock Instability: Social Awkwardness. This is to discourage stacking.

I… thought this was in the game already? :o

General

• Conditions have been rehauled.
• Bleeding: 5 stacks and above now requires the use of a blood transfusion pack or your character becomes incapacitated for a day. Packs are sold in the Black Lion Trading Company for 50 gems each
• Poison: 30% chance each second to make your character do a vomit emote for 5 seconds. This emote is immune to stun breaks/stability.
• Confusion: Now makes you attack your teammates.
• Blind: Turns your screen completely black for a period of time. Can be removed by Black Lion’s Cleansing drops, bought in the trading post for 50 gems each. Requires two per stack.
• Cripple: For each second your character moves, he builds crippled stacks. At 5 stacks, your character’s leg is broken and enters downed state immediately.
• Chill: Your character is automatically teleported to Southsun Cove’s beach and enjoys a day off.
• Immobilize: In addition to current effect, automatically puts you in 1st person view and disables camera controls.
• Agony: In addition to its current effect, agony has a 25% chance of making your character commit suicide.
• Burning: Damage increased by 50%. Your character now runs in circles and can spread burning to close teammates. Elementalists in water attunement are immune to burning and burning can now only be removed by casting a water field onto an ally.
• Fear: Instead of running away, your character will slowly and curiously walk to the unit that applies fear. The next attack you do to your feared enemy does 3000% damage.
• Slow: Now raises your ping by 500ms.
• Vulnerability: Now has different effects depending on race.
  Charr: Water fields instantly downs.
  Asura: +500% damage from Norn and Charr. +100% Damage from Human and Sylvari.
  Sylvari: +1000% Burning damage.
  Norn: 90% miss chance against Asuras. 50% Miss chance against everyone else.
  Human: +100% damage from all sources. +300% if enemy is wearing centaur runes.
• Weakness: Now reduces movement speed depending on weight of armor/items on inventory. Asuras who are weakened will do only 10% of normal damage.

How fun.

Gameplay: All Hero Points in HoT are soloable.

I would love this to be true.

Lisa.

Just a flesh wound.3589:

Skills:
Healing: Enchanted Spear: summon a spear to throw at nearby allies. Their health loss is transferred to you as a health gain.
Utility one: Not Phased by Demons: using this skill causes you to lose aggro and transfers it to nearest ally. If more than one ally is near, the aggro goes to the one with the lowest health.
Utility two: Quick riposte: If an ally asks you for help, you tell tell them you are blind and can’t help them no more. Steal a boon from that ally.
Utility three: Impossible Odds (for you, not me): at 10% health you feign death. Transfer agro of all mobs to someone nearby who was trying to help you. When they die gain 100% health and teleport somewhere safe,
Elite Skill: I Deserve This: Steal all boons, loot, XP and karma from nearby allies. Automatically ping in map chat all the loot you got.

Wow, how selfish skills :P I laughed at them though.

@Gaile: LOL, I loved the reference :P

Gaile Gray.6029:

Profession Skills

Chronomancer

• Portal’s recharge has been removed, and the colors of the effects have been changed to blue and orange.

And you has got me there. At first I was like “what with Part 2” and then when I saw Profession Skills I went directly to Chronomancer, I laughed at that one and then when seeing “customizable UI with support for COBOL” I realized I had fell for it. :P