Guild Wars 2

Well, as the title of this topic says, this isn’t a question you see every day. I’m not sure what kind of response I’ll get from a video game forum, but I can certainly cross my fingers and hope for the best. Anyway, on to the question!

To put it simply, and to make a long story short; I’ve never been much of a people person, and I never had friends growing up. Now that I’m done with high school, life feels painfully lonely. I’m starting college in January, but the college is a good 40-minute drive away from where I live. I’d like to make friends nearby my home, but I have no idea where to start. So I have a few questions!

1) Where do people around the age of 18-20 tend to spend time?

2) What characteristics tend to drive people away, if you had to guess?

Now I know this may not be the most appropriate forum to ask this kind of question, but the way I see it is like this: Video gamers as a “culture” tend to be more of the introverted type, at least from what I’ve seen, and so they may have the same problems that I do, and found out how to overcome them. Perhaps those same gamers could share their experience with me, and help me with my problems as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this post. If you know anything that could help, please let me know.

While I can’t help you any (living at college w/ 0 friends and never leaving my dorm) I am going to closely follow this thread as well.

Haha, you just might glean the secrets to the social world, huh? :P

Okay, I’ll try.
Generally, if looking for friends (or potential love interests), it would make sense to frequent places YOU like to go, doing activities YOU are into (or at least somewhat interested in). Why? Well, if you go out of your way to visits social spaces you wouldn’t normally frequent, the people you meet there are likely to have distictly different interests from you. If you are about to start college, you are usually offered a variety of activities likely to introduce you to other students. Also, universities often have all sorts of sport-related offerings (sometmes even teaching very interesting, rather niche activities) – just pick something that sounds interesting to you.

This is important! Friends are people around whom you can be yourself, however weird that may be – and they will still like you. People who only like you because you try very hard to please them are not your friends. Period. Yes, it may take a while to find real friends, but you’ll see that they are much more valuable in the long run
(Btw, I don’t find it all that strange that you haven’t really had friends while you were still going to school – I haven’t met any of my long-term, good friends in school.)

Things that tend to drive people away are different from person to person – heck, some people might just not find you very likeable, for no logical reason. There was a blog about things to generally keep in mind, I’ll see if I have it bookmarked somewhere…
Some simple rules I can remember (which still apply to friends, because they are basic social decency):
- Be polite.
- If you are talking to someone, make sure to actually listen to what they say and show interest. Ask questions, volunteer your opinion on the matter.
- Hygiene! Sounds silly, but people will actually be much more likely to approach you if you smell nice and don’t look like something the cat dragged in.
- If you get the sense that someone doesn’t feel comfortable around you or maybe really isn’t interested in you, don’t fret. That just happens. Don’t be pushy and just try to talk to someone else.

I’ll see if I can find the rest of it

Ah, I just remembered: It might help if you tell us what region (or at least country) you are actually from – though I suppose you’re American, what with the high school and college thing.

Since you are starting starting college a good thing to note is that there are usually many clubs or groups that exist and with today’s mindset I’m sure are some with interests similar to yours. A gaming or anime club (I find those that enjoy gaming usually like anime/manga too) should exist because I know there were definitely those in high school. Hell I’m sure there are events like a console game tournaments that regularly go on. I’ve seen those fairly often at my friend’s campus. Just gotta take a few minutes to look around.

great discussion add me as a friend

All of the above is great advice, find people with similar interests! To throw my two cents in…

I had the same small group of friends since about 4th grade. Then went away to college and knew no one. I’m a total introvert and was terrified. The two things that saved me were:

1) Don’t be scared to go out of your comfort zone every once in awhile. My best friend in school ended up being the person that lived across the hall from me my freshman year. One day I just sucked it up and introduced myself, something I normally never do. That opened the door to an amazing friendship.

2) Try and make friends with someone who IS social. I’ve met so many people through other friends. So if you do meet someone who is more extroverted it makes meeting other people significantly easier and less awkward.

Add me in game if you want more people to play with!

Having been enrolled in colleges and universities for nearly a decade, I can confidently say that it’s a lot easier for gamer types to be social than it used to be. Here are some places to check out to try to find like-minded folks.

• As SanctumSyte already said, clubs! My current institution has some official anime and video game clubs – even a parkour club (sanctioned by the school) . Besides that, we have a LoL team or two that have posted fliers for tryouts and some other more general organizations have other video game tournaments
• The library if your school’s library is up to date. Some school libraries have more social areas where you can play video games on their systems with their TV’s – you can even borrow video games to play on those systems from the Circulation desk.
• Student Unions, Student Centers, and other student areas – same as above: likely locations of video game systems.
• Events held by the Resident’s Life office or your RA (whatever body takes care of your dorm’s activities and governing). You get to met your neighbors, and who knows, someone else might have brought an XBox or Playstation of some sort to college.
• Classes – Yes, I know this seems very weird, but go to classes, at least for the first week (I would suggest going all semester, but I know not everyone enjoys school as much as I do). While I do not like profiling people, sit near someone who dresses/acts like you. Look for potential study buddies who play video games.

As far as things to do/not do

• Do not interrupt people when they are trying to say something or tell a story – I know something they just said reminded you of something really awesome, but wait until they’re finished.
• Hygiene is super important to those around you in a large lecture hall. Bathe and shave frequently, wear deoderant, do your laundry, and get hair cuts occasionally. While your manly (or womanly) scent may be awesome to you, those around you may have other opinions – and respecting other people’s opinions is important.
• Do not try to turn random comments into debates. Yes, you may feel strongly about something, and you may think it’s awesome to debate things, but don’t jump into debating things until you have an idea that the other person also enjoys such discourse.
• Similarly, reserve comments about how awesome you are about something until a few meetings in. Saying you are the world champion of Brawl or something similar just scares people away or makes them think you’re conceited and unfriendly. Instead, use phrases like “I play Brawl a lot” or “I like to rock climb on weekends”.
• If you see people playing a video game you like, go up and say, “Hey, is that (video game name)? Man, I love that game!” If the group is chatty, join in on topic. If not, but they seem like cool peeps, wait a round or two in and see if you can jump in.
• If you have some free time and there’s an open video game console in a common area, grab a game and at least two controllers and start it up. There’s a chance that someone else walking by would want to jump in.

And congrats on getting into college! All the other freshmen around you are in the same boat and looking for friends too. Stick with it, get a degree in a field that you enjoy that has some sort of job prospect, and enjoy!

Im not a talkative or social person myself .. Now that im out of Uni (which was the other side of the country (england)) i barely leave my house .. im always online. Doesnt help that the town i live in bassicaly is a bunch of yobs. Next to 0 gamers or anime fans like myself around my local area..so i make do with online buddies, keeping in contact with people from Uni.

Anyway what i do/did when i was in college and Uni is as follows:

1) Day one, you in the classroom. Get their early enough to sit your self right in the center of the room with people around you. You dont necceserily have to introduce youself 1st, people will likely do that and you can reply. But it is helpfull.

2) What you should do though is try to come across confident and clear. Try make conversation ..not just “hi ….my names XXX” ..and then leave it at that. Instead ask a few questions, just simple ones like where ya from, what other subjects you doing..and then see what goes from there.

3)From my experiance tearchers/professors generaly do some kind of social interaction excercise to get people talking in class. Dont shy away from this, be active. It will give you a small idea of which people your more interested in befriending and thus who you should try sit next to and such to spark conversation.

4)Any traits or ,for lack of a better word, ‘gimiks’ that people start pointing out about urself ..use them as conversation peices. For example.: When i went to Uni (north England) alot of the first questions i got asked about is where im from. but not just a ‘where are you from’ ..it was usualy ‘your from london , south england arnt you?’. Why did they say this? ..becouse i was the only one who ‘apprently’ had a heavy south east/london accent..eveyrone else was from the midlands and north enlgand. I played on that as a conversation peace for the first week and that helped alot.

^ This is sound advice. There are many gatherings where new students can meet others and socialise. Even though you may seem skeptical about them they really do help.

Also what hobbies/activities/sports are you interested in? You can find places that do them, great place to meet people of like minds, good exercise, gets you out of the dorm and gives you a break from all the pressure of studies.

If you don’t really think you have much of an interest in things just go find an activity that you would like to do. I had a go at Fencing, now I train with the GB team. (I don’t have much time for competitions as I want to do Med.)

As for things to help your confidence:

1. Be yourself. This is the number one rule, I understand if you feel that yourself might not fit in/be good enough, that is a complete FRAKKING lie!

People are drawn to honesty, trust and kindness in my experience. I think of myself as more of an introvert, however that doesn’t mean you have t always be the quiet one.

No one else can expect you to be someone you’re not, and nor should you try to.
The best person you can be is you.

2. Confidence. Confidence is a fairly important aspect when it comes to socialising. It allows you to start a friendship without others having to initiate it first.

First of all the road to getting back your confidence is to just be yourself (Ta dah! Rule 1) What sort of a person are you? Are you a very thoughtful, caring person or a witty, funny person? (Don’t be shy to ask your family as it is where you are meet yourself I find) Find out what sort of person you are and play to your strengths! (Don’t tell me you don’t have any, I believe you do!)

Play to your strengths, emphasises on your strengths will naturally enhance your confidence. People are also drawn to a person that are confident IN THEMSELVES but I am not talking about the rowdy confidence, I’m talking about the quiet inner confidence.

3. Know who you are/Believing in yourself

This is another aspect in combination with the quiet confidence, in my experience it can be pretty devastating. To make a lasting friendship the combo is needed. Confidence in you, and a positive outlook on life.

Many people above have given excellent advice, I didn’t cover it as it was already mentioned.

First thing is to have confidence in yourself! More than not it’ll make it easier to find some new friends.

If you got anymore things on your mind please don’t be afraid to ask again.

Hope goes well!

Hey,

Put yourself out there
1) Go to clubs you may or may not be interested in. If you see a club that you think may be cool, then try it out! Don’t ever let the General Body Meetings (GBMs) out of your sight. Attend them and events to meet new people.

2) Sports/Intramurals are also a neat way to meet people. If you like sports, think of it as a real-life guild XD.

3) If you lived in a dorm, which it doesn’t seem like – Meet your hallmates/suitemates early. That’s probably the only time you can break the “casual barrier” of just saying hi to them only. In fact, the early you meet them, the more opportunity you have to assess whether you would like to be great friends with them or if they aren’t your cup of tea. But hallmates can be really cool. Some dorms that are co-ed also bring a nice mix of girls and guys to meet.

4) A lot of people study a lot in the student unions and libraries. Best way to meet people there is to ask if you can sit down and study with them at that table or group room or whatnot. Then introduce yourself! A lot of social gatherings happen at dorms events too. Although you may not live in a dorm, if you hear about a dorm activity, hop in on it! Most aren’t exclusive and a lot of people do it for potential free food :P

5) Get a part-time job on campus. Make that spare change, and more than likely, your co-workers will be students there and can be great friends too.

Break the Awkward Barrier
1) The biggest battle in meeting new people is getting to the point of comfort. Where meeting them isn’t so nerve-racking and awkward for you. The most efficient way to do this is when you meet someone, talk about classes—that is your common ground for anyone at the university. Don’t let it stop at “what’s your major?” etc. Do some research yourself, talk about how you’ll take down general ed classes (given that you are in a liberal arts school where students a required to take the same collection of classes to graduate) and perhaps take one together the following semester.

2) The lunch/dinner buddy. If you do not have a meal plan, get one. As a freshie, it’s the best place to continue a friendship. You’ll find that there is a weird time when you meet someone and don’t know what to do with them to make your friendship better. Sometimes it’s not as easy as “Can I come by your room and hang out?”—-Skipping bases there; not good. A better approach would be to invite them for lunch or dinner or ask them to be your lunch buddy. A convo could go as follows:

You: Hey! Do you have a meal plan?
A: Yes, I do~
You: Let’s get lunch sometime then
A: Sounds good! When are you free?
….<3

And don’t stop there, invite bunches of friends you meet to lunch/dinner. Sit and talk and eventually you’ll break the barrier and can be yourself with them and that’s the best part. Once you find your group of friends in university, they become amazing people that help you through your hard times in college and also be there for all your good times as well.

Best of luck sir!

Edit: Also, like Glitch said, be yourself! Sometimes a great way to continue your friendship includes the YOU factor and just sharing with your friends your interests and excitement. Friendship goes nowhere if it’s all Q&A, try to add some of your natural habits in there such as inviting them to play games, or go exploring around campus, etc.

Thank you all for the replies! The community here sure is better than the community around Blizzard.

I’ll make sure to put some of this advice to good use! The college I’m going to isn’t one that offers housing, so there aren’t any dorms or anything. I’ve seen a couple clubs I might be interested in though!

Although, a lot of you guys are just saying to be yourself. I think that might actually be a part of the problem, haha. Throughout school, I didn’t just sit back and let life flow past me, I actually tried to talk to people and make friends with others. The way people responded during school started to make me feel worse and worse about myself as I grew up; it just seemed like whenever I actually came up and talked to someone, they would immediately get all quiet and awkward, and would look for the first chance to get away. More often than not I would just sit in the back of the classroom with my nose in a book and listen to everything around me. I hear people talk about me, and they say things that I wouldn’t disagree with. Studies show that one in a hundred people will become a friend or at least an acquaintance. I don’t agree with that study. I take care of myself, meaning that I have good hygiene and I look clean. I dress nicely and all that. I’m not sure what it would be that scares people away so much. So while you say that it’s a lie if I said I don’t fit in, I think that is a lie in itself.

See the new college as a jump into your new life, for whatever reason in your last school that they didn’t want to become friends with you, YOU are now i a very good position to start new friendships more easily.
They don’t know you and you don’t know them, a lot of people are going to that college alone (like you), some with friends from old school, but there is a high chance that they are also looking for new mates.

I never had problems with getting friends, but as I changed to university I did something I didn’t do for a long time. Often I just waited that some people come to me and talk with me. But this time I sat down and had a short glance at the other people and then I decided from my gut instinct who I could like and I just spoke to them. With these two girls I had regular contact through my whole student days. I found a few other one after that, but it really helped a lot that I overcome myself and started to talk.

I’ve read you’ve done that in the past, but I would like to encourage you to keep it trying on your new college. In my opinion your writing sounds nice and surely you are it, too.

There are people out there to be your friends, you just need to discover them (or vice versa).

:-)

I couldn’t agree more with “be yourself”. It seems to me you are most comfortable playing games, you mentioned Blizzard too. You also mentioned that the community here is better than that at Blizzard so I am guessing you like reading the Forums. I am a stay at home kind of guy because that is what I enjoy the most.

Never under estimate what can come from talking to fellow gamers. I met my wife in PvP, I am terrible at it but I managed to “kill” her which was followed by chatting about the game etc eventually leading to marriage. In general people come and go (I am 50 so trust me on this one ) but friends stay much longer perhaps forever. I know quite a lot of people in real life but my friends mostly come from playing games.

Actually meeting fellow gamers can be risky/unsafe so be very very careful if you want to meet someone but you don’t have to physically be with someone to call that person “friend”, my family are 1000 KM away but they are still family and always will be.

My point is be yourself. If that means spending most of your time in games don’t worry too much. Friends and acquaintances will come with time in the real world but in general do what you like doing.

Has it occured to you that there are other people like you? Start talking to people you meet at college such as those in your classes, you might find someone who also spands a lot of time in games and if you are lucky GW2.

You seem like a great person, so lets try to find the source of all this.

Do you mind divulging how you approach the situation?
What do you feel like at that point in time: Nervous? Excited? Skeptical? Agitated? Figidty? Etc.
What do you talk about?
How do you start the conversation?
What are they like during the conversation?
Body language during conversation both yours and the other person? (Quite difficult unless you actively look for it, however it is a very good skill. Very useful, trust me. Allows to see where you can take conversations etc. and leave a leasing impression)

Ermmm… This IS really impersonal and quite rude, but are you a male or female?
To me the gender allows me to give more specific advice as it is easier to approach situations in certain ways that would not be as suited to the opposite gender.

I myself am male. I grew up (still growing up) with having a lot more female friends but did have my set of buddies to fall back on when talking about guy stuff. Eventually everything starts merging and all just get together.

Since we’re on about making new friends. (Not about how to date and you know…)
It’s good to get a mix of friends from all sort of genders and backgrounds.

Sorry but I think the last little bit of your sentence may have contributed.
You were discouraged and lost a bit of heart. The thing is you CAN’T give up!
If you began to become secluded at the back, it is quite hard for people to approach you. This just leads to you being on your own little island, as people just see you as ‘the weirdo’ at the back (I’m sure you’re not!). Is that how you felt when you stopped trying a little bit and just kept to yourself?

I’m not sure how it is in America as I’m over the pond.

Also how you perceive yourself does have a big effect on how you portray yourself and how people view yourself. (the subconscious effect of how you perceive yourself can show even if you don’t notice it)

Sorry it’s easier for me to help if I know someone’s habits, mannerisms and attitudes well. I don’t like seeing/hearing people like this when they genuinely seem very good hearted.

Generally, I would pay attention to what people are talking about, and if there was a topic that I could talk about, I would stand near them and throw in a comment when the talking dies down a bit, so as not to interrupt. A lot of the time, people might give a polite response, or just nod, and then the group would disperse. To me, it seems like they’re the ones that are nervous, haha. I don’t feel nervous or anything when I’m talking to people; I generally don’t feel a whole lot, haha. I’m a very calm and collected person, to the point of being called cold or uncaring. After several years of being excluded from society, I did read a lot of articles on interpersonal behavior. My body language has always been top-notch, it’s been sort of bred into me. So I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong, per se, it’s just something more subtle.

I’m a guy, haha. Don’t have to feel bad about asking a simple question like that. :P I have noticed that girls tend to behave more like I do, but for some reason I’m just anathema to them. Girls seem very nervous around me, and tend to keep their distance. I don’t smell or anything, and I hear people say that I’m good looking. Not sure what it is.

Oh I’ve felt like I have been living on my own little island for a long while now. All through school, my beliefs and ideals were years ahead of everyone else. I tend to act like a 40 year old man, even though I’m only 18, haha. Even my own family doesn’t act very much like I do, and they avoid me too. So I’ve thought of myself as a weirdo for quite a while now. :P

You don’t have to apologize, I can’t expect help unless I give you something to work with, huh? :P Thank you for the help though, I do appreciate it.

No worries, I don’t like offending people when they’ve done nothing to me! Just being how my Mom raised me.

Okay!

Are your comments more short answers or fairly lengthy. You want to find an equilibrium for the spectrum. Not too short, as it can come across as harsh and slightly uncaring even when you would never intend it to be. Not too long as you come across as the vain one and that you don’t want to dominate the conversation.

You need to keep it long enough that you can draw out a more detailed, personal line from them that will lead to a more animated and lengthy conversation. This you just then continue until the person feels very comfortable around you. I also recommend switching topics, ones that relate to the previous conversation. E.g music > type of bands > genre > other interests. Of course where you both share your likes and dislikes etc.

“I generally don’t feel a whole lot” There’s one of your little hurdles there!
I know what you’re experiencing as I WAS that guy a while back. Some things in life had hit me really hard, where you feel like there isn’t much to life anymore and no-one seems there or seems to get you anymore? Do you ever have doubts like that? You start to feel miserable and you just get blue.

You got to STAMP that feeling away!!! Get rid of it as fast as you can! Just start to bring back your positive outlook on life again! Start small like if the weather nice, be thankful that it is. If you’re doing well in class or got a good grade in a test or assignment,FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT! YOU DESERVE IT! Be thankful that all that effort you put in paid off.
Start with things small, even if the tiniest little things is going right in your day be grateful. If you ever feel down look back on the day to find that tiny thing, trust me even in the darkest hours there’s always something you’re grateful for; it might take a bit of searching but trust me it’s there.

As for the lady front, I’ve got that from time to time but not often. Again if you’re a good conversationalis USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE! If they’re nervous you got to diffuse that feeling from them. Talk about another interest you both have, learn more about each other, tell a joke or people watch and make up stories about them.
Women in my experience are more comfortable with a guy that is confident in themselves and that can make them feel comfortable in any given situation.

As for the confidence. Do YOU feel it in yourself, I mean really feel it where you’re in your zone? This is quite important you really have to believe it otherwise it comes off as unnatural and awkward.

I understand life has been hard on you and will change you into a ‘colder’ person, I went through this too. The trick is TO ALWAYS FIGHT IT! If you allow it to overcome you, you become lost and something that isn’t your true wonderful self.

I think you should concentrate on creating a warm and happy demeanour for yourself. This benefits both you an others as others are drawn to people that are truly comfortable with themselves and have that optimistic, positive and loving way with life.

We got to try and get the kid back into ya!
So what else do you love doing?
Do you like watching football? I’m a Steelers fan myself, however ain’t been keeping up with the football as much as I’d like to.

What sorts of interests do you have? Music? Instruments? Writing? Art?

Also it really helps that you’re up to date with general news, the world around you and with what you enjoy of course.

This creates the impression that you’re a very knowledgeable person that has interests all over the shop. This is another breaker that can lead to a greater discussion. It gives the impression of one that takes an interest in the world around them too, without coming across as a know it all.

Wit and humour. This works very well. It eases the person into a comfort zone. A good conversationalist is always an interesting person, previous mentioned also helps with being witty as you have a pool of knowledge to draw pretty much anything up.

Disagreements. This is actually a good thing as long as it is kept calm and under control. This allows you to know a persons dislikes too. Creates some interesting conversations and the lady actually appreciates that you’re not just a yes man saying the right things for a quick bed. You come across as a more genuine and honest person that women seek more long term commitments either relationship/friendship.

Manners and Acknowledgement
Alright, this bit may seem obvious but sometimes you might not realise that you’re actually not doing it! Small things like opening the door and holding it out for others. If they any decent sense they will say thank you. Acknowledge them, comment it’s no trouble and give them a small smile in return.
When having a conservation laugh and smile after a shared joke or smile when you’ve come across you both agree upon or like. Share a small smile and then continue the conversation. I smiling person is someone is a happy person.
Acknowledgement, okay this can come across as awkward if done too eagerly or boldly. If you see someone you met, give them a smile and a wave. Make sure you catch their eye before doing so. People enjoy being acknowledged as it imprints that they made an impression on you and it’s a little ego boost. You’re always around people that make.you feel.good about yourself and the person you are.

You seen like a great person that doesn’t know why everything’s not going right at the moment. First you have to feel TRULY confident about yourself, you have to know yourself first before you can get to know others. Try and vanquish those negative thoughts day by day and start believing in yourself again. The trick is to believe in yourself.

First things first. Start loving your self again, start feeling good about all in life again, start being grateful for everything you have in life again.

Before you can truly start any of this you have to find yourself where you truly believe in yourself.

Take care of yourself, before you take care of others.

You know, you sound like a philanthropist, Glitch. :P

For as long as I can remember, which is back to when I was four or so, I don’t ever recall being a particularly positive person. Even when I was going through the toddler ages, where most kids have the most vivid imaginations, I was cynical and logical. I have what you would call the Rational intelligence type, and I tend to look at everything through the lens of logic. Where some people imagine that something is real, somewhere in the universe, I just wish that it could be real. I just accept what the world gives me, and look for meanings that lie underneath. As the years have gone by, I’ve gotten into the habit of considering myself an alien or something, as an excuse for why I don’t get along with most people. I just have such different beliefs, and I act so much differently, it almost seems possible that I could be a squid in disguise, haha.

I do have a very broad range of interests, but I don’t know what I would do to make them less of an individual hobby and more of a social hobby. I play several instruments; guitar, flute, violin, piano, ocarina, harp and trumpet, among others. I draw, sculpt, paint and all that. I write fantasy and poetry, although I’ve never actually finished a book. I do go outdoors, even though I’m a gamer. I go camping, hiking, biking, swimming, boating, and all that fun stuff. I’ve got interests in just about every area, but I tend to seclude myself to someplace where I’m alone, because I tend to believe that people just don’t enjoy my company.

While I never really spend time with anyone, I’ve learned to read people almost as well as I can a book. I’ve taught myself to pick up on body language and the way people talk, how they act, and other clues. Generally, I can tell you all about how someone is feeling and what’s making them feel that way by just watching them for a few moments. You would think that I would be able to tell why people don’t like me, but I’m at a total loss, haha.

I know that I have to love myself before I can love anyone else, but I just don’t think I can do that. There are so many facets of my personality that I just don’t like. I wouldn’t change anything about myself though, because all those little bits and pieces make me who I am and, overall, I do like myself. I’m just so different from anyone else I’ve ever met, I don’t think I will ever fit in.

Now about the not feeling anything; I really don’t feel anything. On Christmas day, I’m opening my presents and spending time with family (Alone. My family doesn’t enjoy being around me either), I don’t feel happy, or sad, or anything. I just feel empty. I don’t have much emotion, no matter the circumstances. If my family were to just disappear from the face of the earth right now, I probably wouldn’t be too sad. I might cry for a few minutes, but then I’d be over it and forget all about it, no worse for the wear. If I was showered with money and whatever else makes people happy, I would smile for a second, but then I’d just inwardly go “meh”, and act like nothing happened out of the ordinary. Life just goes on, and I don’t feel anything about it. I think that’s what scares me the most, is the fact that I never feel anything.

Penny advice:

Wherever you go, act like you belong there. People will follow that (unless you are genuinely trespassing, in which case you should stop). If someone disagrees with you about your confidence, let them bring up the matter first. Don’t worry about it until then, and have a good time.

Make eye contact, but don’t stare.

Have a ready mental list of conversation starters in mind. Make most of your conversations about the other person. “Oh, you do? How did you get into that? Do you find your cheese-making hobby satisfying for any other reasons?”

Brush your teeth regularly. People appreciate this.

Don’t force the joke.

Try other people’s hobbies.

Show others that you are happy being yourself, and they will be happy with you as well. Just to yank some stats out of my butt, 99% of people are worried about themselves 99% of the time, and really don’t care -what- you do or who you are so long as you aren’t messing up their stuff.

Know when to leave. Best time to leave: when everyone is still smiling at you.

Someone told me long ago, “Want a friend, BE a friend”
All good advices from others here, and if you truly think it is something odd about you (a lot of people think it’s just them), don’t be afraid/ashamed to seek out a therapist or some kind of professional help. At the very least you may gain a sounding board to test out some of your thoughts. Expanding your world might be fun or scary, so reaching out here and other places is a great first step. Good luck to you.

All good advice here, I think. I’m at kind of a strange place in my life as well. Most of my friends from high school moved away for university, and I haven’t really met anyone since then. Even my high school friends and I didn’t “hang out” a lot, and while I’m friendly, I’m not very good at “small talk”. I keep trying to be positive, though, and I encourage you to do the same! For myself, I would rather wait awhile and end up with friends who are genuine and a “good match” than try too hard to attract friends that aren’t as compatible.

If you take even half of this advice, especially the part about being yourself. Realism and logic aren’t bad things, but try to avoid getting sucked into too much pessimism, for yourself or others.

I think you’ll find that college is the perfect thing. What are you planning to study? That can be an obvious source of common ground.

Oh, I’m reading all of this advice, and I don’t plan to forget it. The thing is, Migo, I’ve gone to a therapist, and after several months, he just told me there’s nothing he can do. “The issue is inside.”, is what he told me.

Haha, as for my subject of study in college, it’s not the most popular one. I plan on getting a double major for Physics and Chemistry, and then I plan to find a job with a research and development team, or work for Boeing’s space program.

Kunshu,
Physics and chemistry sound like perfectly sound/popular majors, and Boeing is an excellent place to work. Also, in my not-so-expert expert opinion, your therapist sounds ridiculous. Helping people tackle their own inside issues is what psychologists are supposed to do. There isn’t a magical pill you can take, but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing you can do.

Kunshu,
Yah, what Aeleniel said. I would only add, my therapist told me, “It’s an inside job”. And that was about 25 years ago. It’s a journey, that’s fer sure, and you just put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. Your descriptions of where you are, and where you are headed sound quite mature and thoughtful to me, for what it’s worth. It’s progress, not perfection. Feelings of loneliness and lack of connection are definitely something a good therapist should be able to address. Best of luck with your studies and your journey.

I had to Google philanthropist! That’s really nice of you and thank you! I’m just trying to help a fellow human out though, there’s lots that also do it.

You have plethora of activities and hobbies so there’s nothing short of what you can talk about!

I wouldn’t say change who you are just how you begin to perceive the world a tiny bit.
Just start feeling grateful and happy about the things going right in your day. Try my advice about being happy about each little thing in your day.

I would never say change yourself as we don’t want to change who you are. I’m just saying you need to get a bit of that love and joy back. Go outside and enjoy the weather and be thankful that it’s there. Small things like that do wonderful and massive changes to your psyche!

If you ever need someone to talk to in game there’s an amazing set of beautiful people over at Operation: Union spread all over certain servers. They’re full of chatter all the time!

So try that out day by day, little by little and see how it turns out for you. Just say it to yourself. If the weather’s nice say: Wow the weather’s nice I sure am grateful for that. Don’t say it half heartedly either say it like you really mean it. After a while you REALLY do mean it and become to appreciate and love it. Do that for everything you come across.

The road to feeling truly self-confidant is a hard one, I know
But unless you like yourself, it is rather difficult to approach others in a way that would encourage them to like you.
Silly enough, that is most easily accomplished (in my experience) by having others tell you that you are a great person, that they value you, that they like to be around you, etc. (because, let’s face it, having little self-esteem often comes from others “telling” you the opposite for a long time).
Sadly, having family tell you that doesn’t necessarily work, because they are obviously biased. As long as you don’t have friends who might take on that role for you, you might start reminding yourself every day of what you are good at and what’s nice about you. Tell yourself you are a nice person until you start to believe it. Don’t ponder your negative sides too much – everyone has issues, so that’s nothing special Instead, do things you like and are good at, and focus on these positives. Be proud of your skills.

You already said that with all these interests, you still try to seclude yourself when going after them – this is a point where you can change, as many of the things you listed lend themselves to company.
If you like painting and sculpting, join a club or enroll in courses which focus on those skillsets – not only can you improve your skills, but you will be surrounded by people with the same goal. If you are good at it, you can try to offer advice. If you are not so proud of your results, you can compare them with those of the other participants, joke about how “that arm looks more like a tentacle”, ask for advice, etc.

Ah, on side note: If you think of yourself of a weirdo, you might try out activities or hobbies which naturally attract people who think of themselves as weird or dorky I’ve met the most interesting people and established a nation-wide network of friends and acquaintances through Larp (which is a very social, creative, and outdoor-heavy hobby) – which might also be interesting to you as it allows you to be just be someone else for a while, and try out different kinds of interactions in a fairly controlled environment. Or just allows you to scream at the top of your lungs without garnering funny looks ^^ (Oh so satisfying.)

Something else: Smile at people. Start practicing with the people working at your grocery store etc. if you like – in general, people will be much nicer to you if you offer them a smile first. Don’t be discuraged when they don’t always smile back – some people are jerks. Forget about them and move on.

A nice (and very interesting) blog dishing out advice for various issues (opened on a random article): Captain Awkward

You remind me of my son somewhat, though not completely. He has Asperger’s, not that you do, but the exactly level of social interaction and responses is what is in common. I’d like to caution you on the thinking that you know what you are doing is socially “appropriate” because is was to use your words bred into you. We’re in the southern US, and politeness is a social must, This didn’t help my son too much .. at first. You say you are logical. And you observe people responding to you with discomfort. There is a reason. Now depending on the person, and the reason, maybe you shouldn’t care. But you report it happens with enough frequency you want advice.

The bad news. This is the internet. Much of the advice you’ve been given here is good, but may not fully help. Some of it you’ve already been on top of anyway. You need someone to work with on your social interactions. We’re here on the internet, none of us can see what it is. Is it eye contact? standing too close? too far? an overly expressive face? an totally impassive expression that creeps some people out? Maybe your voice is too monotone and people think you are bored? Maybe you are a serious introvert, and really not “into them” and not hiding it. So far, the forum and you have ruled out hygiene and any serious emotional issues. My son could see how people reacted accurately, but couldn’t quite figure out what he did to cause it! You say the same thing. I can’t see you or hear you though, so can’t help. I believe you when you say what you observe in others reactions, but no one is able to properly observe himself. For that you need someone not on the internet.

Instead of a therapist, perhaps ask a local therapy group if there are any social skills groups gong on. The university or college may also offer them as they are much needed for anyone on the austism spectrum moving into college. Drop in on one and listen to what they say. If not, see if you can’t find a very socially ept buddy, maybe female, who is willing to be brutally honest. But obviously you have to do this in meatspace not internet. With feedback you should figure out what and some practice should be able to match your body language to what you intend to convey. How much time you spend tracking down this is up to you. My son is also a hyper-social extrovert, so he was really motivated to get all the kinks out. If you are more introverted, you may only want to get to debug this enough to get the level of social interaction that suits you. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Hechicera has some very note worthy advice that I really recommend listening to.

Without knowing all your mannerisms and social interactions first hand it makes things a bit tricky. As always start slow, build up and on what you got.

This maybe the internet but we can dam well try our best. You’ve got full support from me! I would dam well be honoured to know you if life crossed paths!

As I am a fully qualified Aspergers fruitloop, I do share your concerns about socialising etc. I dont go out very often and when I do, it is to pursue solo hobbies (I ride motorbikes as my name suggests!). I have always found people uninteresting, I have a beta personality, and generally I have a disregard for social scenes and groups. Truth be told, I have very little consideration for humanity in general. I wont apologise for this, I cannot help how I am…

… however, a few years back I started playing airsoft. Over time, I built up a group of friends who I wouldnt give away for the world. Yes, it requires us being in a situation where I have a hobby which I can talk about, thereby avoiding my utter hopelessness in conversation, but these guys have really stuck by me regardless of the stupid stuff I do sometimes. Even though several have given up airsoft, they have done a lot to keep in contact and not allow me to isolate myself.

So generally I have to agree with the above… find an interest. Join or if need be, start a club. And very importantly – do not get jealous if your friends have other friends as well. I have thrown away too many friends because I felt they were somehow going behind my back by having a wider social scene than I did.

It may be worth you taking these tests:

Autism Quotient test: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
Aspergers quiz: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Caution: Do NOT take these as a diagnosis on their own merit. They are only guides. Mainly, I post them because it may help you analyze and assess yourself to maybe pick up on character traits which you have not noticed before. For me, they were the first step to a medical diagnosis.

As Glitch said, Hechicera brought up several good points. Without being able to see you in action, it’s a little hard for us to know exactly what will help you most. That doesn’t mean that we can’t help out as much as we possibly can. Finding someone in real life who will be honest with you may be beneficial. If you’d like, I wouldn’t mind trying to critique if you have a particular story or instance in mind – or if you try out some of these tips and it still doesn’t quite work.

I’m thinking your problem is probably in the realm of nonverbal communication – “body language”, eye contact, etc. – because you seem like a pretty normal/decent guy based on what you’ve typed here. I’m thinking it’s probably not what you say or don’t say, but more about how you say it, how you act.

Gosh, so many helpful people on Arena-Net’s forums! By far the best community I’ve seen on the internet. Thank you, very much.

I took both of those tests, Guzzi, and my scores say that I am very likely typical. I scored 18 on the Autism test, in which 32 is evidence (average is 16.2), and on the Aspergers test, I scored 32 out of 200. So I’m normal, mentally! :P (As far as mental illness goes)

Hmm, a story…

Speaking with a male:

Alrighty, let me think of a story with me talking to a guy. So one day my brother had his friends come over, and they went walking to the gas station down the road to buy snacks and other goodies. I decided to tag along with them because I felt like some sugar and candy would be good. As we’re walking down the road, my brother’s friends start talking about things that were going on at school. I waited until there was a lull in the conversation, and then I started talking about teachers I had in my past, and the weird things they were doing. I do notice that while I talk, I have very expressive hands; I’ll make motions and things with my hands, and I’ll not even notice I’m doing it half the time. Aside from that, I look people in the eye when I talk to them, although I’m not creepy about it. I pay attention when spoken to, and I don’t cross my arms or anything when talking to people. I smile when it’s appropriate, and I don’t make weird faces or anything when talking. When guys are concerned, I think I’m fairly normal in the way I talk and act. Girls though… Oh boy.

A story with girls, and me talking (sort of):

Alrighty, so here’s a good story. When I was in fourth grade, a new girl came in during my English class. Now, I had started puberty by then, and I was noticing girls. Well I thought this girl was the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world. She was leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else in the class, but I don’t think she was much more intelligent than most people, she just actually cared about school. Anyway, I had a crush on her for the rest of my school career. During 12th grade, she started looking at me all the time, and I would sometimes make eye contact, but would immediately look away if she caught me. One day when I was walking between classes (I walk REALLY fast, so she would have to be hurrying to catch up to me, and I thought about that), she touched my shoulder and said hi. I waved back and smiled, and she asked me how my paper was going in class. I told her that my paper was going fine, and that it was nearly done. She asked me if I liked it, and I did the “so-so” gesture with my hand, and said that I don’t really like doing it, but I have to, so I am. She giggled and looked away for a moment, and I smiled because I thought I did something right. Well then she looked back and said that she had to go. I smiled and said goodbye, and that was the last I ever heard from her. I didn’t ask what was wrong, but I noticed that she never glanced at me anymore, and she never acted a little shy around me again. The one thing that I do know, is that I blush like crazy when talking with girls I find attractive. Most people say it’s cute, but I suppose it could scare some people away.

Anyway, there’s some stories for you to analyze and critique! I’m sorry if I didn’t describe what you needed. xD

Again, thank you, everyone, for all the wonderful advice and help.

Hmm… Based on your stories, you seem fairly normal to me, Kunshu! Who knows, maybe we’re both crazy.

I think that high school is pretty silly. I know I kind of messed myself up, because between middle and high school, I decided I wanted to hang out with a different type of people in high school than I had in middle school. I didn’t want to be one of the super popular kids, but I didn’t want to be associated with all the nerds that I had been in middle school. I knew that I was by far the most socially navigable person in my old friendgroup – many people said to me that they didn’t know why I was “stuck” with them.

I thought high school would be the perfect opportunity to expand my friend circle, so I tried to strike up friendships with some other, more popular kids. It didn’t really work (although I didn’t realize it at the time), and I ended up being caught between the two. I had distanced myself a bit from my old friends, but I hadn’t made any real new friends either. I went back to my old friendgroup, but I always felt a little “outside” it. Then my friends all went to universities out of the area, and our friendships weren’t strong enough to keep us connected despite the distance. Now it’s just friendless me, but I’m trying to stay optimistic. I’m thinking that university (which I’ll go to next fall) will be the opportunity for me to develop new friendships, and I hope that college will do the same for you!

That’s pretty much all I’ve got, because perhaps I’m not the best example. I definitely have to keep thinking that since there’s no obvious reason that I don’t have friends, it’s more about not having found the right people than a problem with me. Hopefully that helps?

@Kunshu

Did you ever see her outside or after class? It seemed that the lady liked you a lot. The thing is you need to sustain that contact. She initiated and probably thought you weren’t interested in being her friend if you didn’t carry on that contact. If that happens again sustain the contact. If you see them outside of class just give them a small smile or wave if they see you etc. Once they’re more comfortable then you can openly approach them more easily etc.

Keep a positive outlook and sustain contact!

@Aleniel
It happens to a lot more than you think, I think you know this a fresh start is a good one. Keep that positive outlook!

Never be afraid to be who you are because that is when you’re the best.
I pride myself on being a Nerd and no-one can take that away from me
As to not alienate yourself from your old friends, if you made a new friend introduce them to your old lot, then they won’t feel that you’re off with a brand new set.

Also things come in surprising places. I know a lot of attractive women that also play video games. Heck some even enjoy playing old school Quake. Never underestimate them as they’re some of the kindest women I know!

As Bill Gates once said, “You better be nice to nerds; chances are, you’ll end up working for one some day!” :P Very, very true Mr. Gates!

Glitch, I did talk to her afterwards. I asked her why she never talked to me again, and she never did give me a reason. Whenever I asked her, she would just ignore me or pretend like she didn’t hear me. I tried talking to her about normal things, and she’d just stick her nose in the air and keep on going. So I wrote her a letter, talking about how I had a crush on her for eight years, and she said that I was everything she could dream of, but she was “focusing on working myself”, which I have no idea what it could mean. After that, school let out, and I never saw her or heard from her again.

Well, now we have pretty much eliminated autism/Asperger’s… which is a good thing.

I could try and interject my experience and thoughts on modern humanity but since I don’t connect with most of it, my opinion is probably utter BS.

Guzzi another person’s view is always a valid one.

Dam you! I had a great post typed out and my phone crashed…

I think you might have come on too strongly to the lady or maybe they’re just not very nice? I’ve turned down a lot of women because even though it’s obvious they like mean to me it’s obvious we’re just too different. Sure it can be a good thing but I just don’t see us clicking, and these are drool over women with good hearts to boot! So many factors come into play don’t dwell on it too much as it can eat away at you!

After first contact you need to keep up a sustained, regular, happy, light, upbeat and positive contact. Do this for every first contact that you can. A person is more comfortable around someone that can have a very upbeat, light and happy conversation.

Over time continue doing this eventually they will become an acquaintance which can easily lead to friendship if you desire.

Friendship: Keep up the sustained contact after first contact. Over time they become comfortable around you to talk about most things. After you’ve established trust with the give and take factor, you’ll be relied upon on a lot of matters important to them. You have to be that guy that encourages, supports and advises them. Say it as you see it, don’t say it coldly though use empathy and really try to see it from their point. However you are the voice of reason and clarity so you say it as you see. People come to the ones that can be relied upon for an honest answer. You’re
there for the good and bad.

Dating: As always sustained contact. However once you get to the more intimate stages you become that guy that is not there on every beck and call. (in any situation never become that needy, over eager to please guy. It’s a big turn off)

Okay for this bit you have to establish a pseudo friendship, I’m not talking about a fake friendship for a quick play. You’re the guy that they can come to when things go really FUBAR, you’re not the one to turn to for every little thing but the big things. Keep up sustained contact as usual. Eventually they see you as someone to trust established by the give and take factor. If they come to you for small things redirect them to their other friends, however listen to some as if you’re not prepared to some of their smaller worries they will never tell you their larger troubles.

This so you do not fall victim to the friend zone. If that happens you may never come up on their radar in most occasions. I have some tips if you ever need it if you find yourself in such predicament.

So keep sustained contact light, happy and positive. Most of all keep it regular. If you happen to see them outside class give then a wave or a small smile if you know for sure they saw you. At least a smile even if you’re not so sure. Try to keep this up not just in class but outside too!

As for your interest I really do use it to your advantage! I took music for a gcse and praticed with some good friends. I played the guitar outside whenever (look up Andy Mckee/Antoine Dufour) I had people coming up to us wondering how I even learnt to play like that. Most hilarious bit was seeing their faces when they asked me what grade I was and I said not even grade 1.
I still make my own stuff and play it. Also if you like singing that can really help with confidence too.
(Warning: This attracts a lot of women! I had a lot wondering where I learnt to play)

So yea, do you uave a hard time wondering what to do to keep that sustained contact? Are you unsure what to do if you see them outside of class?

Rmember keep it light, happy and positive. You’ve already shown me what a wonder person you are, you just got to get it across to people you meet first hand!

Also being an animated talker is not a problem as long as you don’t use it excessively. They are actually great ways to get a point across etc. I know as I had to do a lot of speaking when in my secondary school.

Try it with the other little tips I gave you! Small things make a big impact!

WoW, I must say I am Semi Impressed so many of you went all Internet Psychologist on this dude….Here is a former US Army Drill Sergeants perspective and the MUCH Shorter version of what so many of them have said…

MAN the “F” up and have some confidence, without it you will drown in today’s world. In the civilian sector I eat boys like you for lunch. If you can’t grow a set your doomed to run to the internet for your social interaction and will at best end up with a fat girl ( Who will love you way more then the smoking hot ones I have landed btw )

Attractive woman have so many “Outs” when it comes to life, as a Man you need to be an Alpha and don’t stress the people in your life that don’t fall into the three F’s of life…

If your not Feeding me, Financing me or Fn me you just don’t matter…..

Flame on girls….Flame on

He’s done that. So there’s something else missing.

Manning the hell up is an easy way to bed people but they’re not looking for that. (We both know that ones looking for a quick play either are looking for it or have issues that make them so easy) Making a play is easy having proper people to have your back no matter what is much harder. The hot ones that have everything they want, that’s a change of game.

So no manning the hell up isn’t the complete answer to this as they have done that.

Lol, I will go all Internet Psychologist cause there’s something else to this. And no you might not eat all civilians up. I’ve been smashed by drill sergeants and impressed them. They pushed us till we puked and some even passed out. And so they should. Yes they have been great mentors and made me what I am. It all depends on the person.

You got many people from all walks of life.

What you say is true but everything depends on situation.

He’s not even looking for something to play with that you can drop when you’re bored and move onto the next game. So yea I kitten well will carry on like this.

Hi. My name is Kit. smiles I was a social outcast in school…. in fact it made me QUIT school before I graduated. Moved to a town 12 hours away and finished school but it didn’t change that I was an outcast. I had been told I was a loser so many times, that I believed it. I was told other things as well, which scarred me badly, adding to my lack of self confidence.

Something important to remember… Life doesn’t end with High School. I think it begins when you graduate. You aren’t surrounded by the same people anymore.

I don’t have much to add, just thought I would say though… you seem to have found a couple friends here. Glitch is a great one… I would know. He is also my friend and I value him dearly. He invited you to our guild, and I second that invite. Let me know if you want in. Or click the link in my signature and sign up. You will find friendly people there. Are they “rl” friends? No. But I have to tell you, some of the best people in my life I met online. smiles Met my other half online.

Personally, you sound fun. And the world takes all kinds. (working really hard to forget everything said by phobia) And Glitch…. applauds my hero for the day

Glitch.6849:

Dating: As always sustained contact. However once you get to the more intimate stages you become that guy that is not there on every beck and call. (in any situation never become that needy, over eager to please guy. It’s a big turn off)

Okay for this bit you have to establish a pseudo friendship, I’m not talking about a fake friendship for a quick play. You’re the guy that they can come to when things go really FUBAR, you’re not the one to turn to for every little thing but the big things. Keep up sustained contact as usual. Eventually they see you as someone to trust established by the give and take factor. If they come to you for small things redirect them to their other friends, however listen to some as if you’re not prepared to some of their smaller worries they will never tell you their larger troubles.

This so you do not fall victim to the friend zone. If that happens you may never come up on their radar in most occasions. I have some tips if you ever need it if you find yourself in such predicament.

Ok, stop it right there with the dating advice – establishing a “pseudo-friendship” just so you can hope to get a date is NOT OK! Neither to you nor the lady in question.
The feared “friend-zone” is not something that happens because you are too friendly or available, it is something that happens because your potential love interests likes you but is not interested in you in a romantical way!
You can’t force something like that. Either there is a spark, or there isn’t. Period.
Gosh >_> You have no idea how much I hate that approach…females actually would like to be able to trust a friendly guy not just hide his desire for a girlfriend, drifting off/loosing interest as soon as they realise that’s not gonna happen. It is terribly annoying to the girl and can be quite hurtful to the male.
Read this if you want to understand why this kind of dating advice can drive a women mad.

Sorry for interrupting the advice, but I find this important.
To offer some more: Don’t take interactions with people you have a crush on as a staple for social interactions in general – we all behave like utter idiots around people we are (secretly) in love with, no matter how good our social skills normally are

phobia.3958:

WoW, I must say I am Semi Impressed so many of you went all Internet Psychologist on this dude….Here is a former US Army Drill Sergeants perspective and the MUCH Shorter version of what so many of them have said…

MAN the “F” up and have some confidence, without it you will drown in today’s world. In the civilian sector I eat boys like you for lunch. If you can’t grow a set your doomed to run to the internet for your social interaction and will at best end up with a fat girl ( Who will love you way more then the smoking hot ones I have landed btw )

Attractive woman have so many “Outs” when it comes to life, as a Man you need to be an Alpha and don’t stress the people in your life that don’t fall into the three F’s of life…

If your not Feeding me, Financing me or Fn me you just don’t matter…..

Flame on girls….Flame on

As for attractive women having too many outs etc.? You get what you sow. Your kind of alpha male only attracts a specific segment of women – no wonder you miss out on the great, loyal, clever and attractive ones. If you weren’t interrupting this nice and civil topic, I wouldn’t even take notice of someone like you. (Btw, the way you need to reassure everyone of your own success doesn’t really speak of great self-esteem )

Growing up takes a while, and having been emotionally scarred in high school doesn’t necessarily speed up that process. Luckily, it really doesn’t matter who you were in highschool and who your friends were, because your life just started when you left that specific social sphere.

@Frotee
I don’t think Glitch meant it in the way that some jerks do. There definitely are people out there who pretend to be your friend, only to get mad when you don’t want to rip off all of their clothes. However, being a friendly, dependable person is a component of a relationship.

If there isn’t a spark, there may not be anything either person can do to change that. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. Again, however, I would much rather have a potential love interest be friendly and trustworthy. If we are compatible, it may become something more. If we are not, it may become something less. I have been “friendzoned” by the people I’ve been interested, and I’ve also “friendzoned” some people that have been interested in me. There just hasn’t been a connection. Even though it’s not fun to be in a situation where your interest isn’t interested in you, that doesn’t mean that it’s anyone’s fault.

There are definitely “Nice Guys” who pretend that by being nice, they’ll be able to get into a girl’s pants. There are also nice guys who will become fabulous boyfriends. There is a distinct difference, so do not generalize.

lol I “friendzoned” the man who will soon be my husband. Some times it is all about timing. And I would rather be romantically with my best friend, than anyone else

Sorry Frotee but I’m not talking about the establishing a fake friendship for a quick bed. It’s the only way I can put it across.

In my experience the friend zone is there. I not saying be a liar and a cheat.
Probably my bad if it across that way, I can’t rephrase it in any other way.

I’ve known so many people that are interested in each other, however because they are really good friends they do not want to jeopardize the friendship if it doesn’t work out . Heck I’ve had that problem, I’ve done it once and if it doesn’t work out everything gets awkward and weird. It took a few years before everything got back to where it was.
We both thought something was there but with the fallout it does become weird to a certain degree.
It’s all about certainty. We both thought we were certain and talked about it. If you are unsure it’s best to stay friends until you get a better feeling.

This is the bit I’m on about I really can’t phrase it in another way. Being a friend is good and all but to me the friend zone is there.

By pseudo friendship I am NOT saying what Frotee got from that. However I do understand it is the obvious conclusion front my comment right there. I am NOT saying be a liar and cheat, I mean the exact opposite!

Forming a dating relationship requires a different sort of connection/foundation.

Sorry Frotee you went to the logical conclusion but just wanted to clear that up. I really don’t have another synonym. Different? Maybe? I dunno maybe you can help me. :)

Dating does require a slightly different approach. Dating a best friend is different from normal different, there’s no denying that you have more to lose than with the normal.

You do want to become friends from the start and continue it but you form a slightly different relationship from what you do with friends. I dunno the friend zone thing is really something you have to experience for yourself. As with everything there is an infinite amount of variations.

Apologies Frotee!

To the drill sergeant: I’m one of the most confident people you will meet, without going on arrogance. The shy kid who’s afraid to talk to people is not me. I’ll talk to everyone and anyone, and I go out of my way to do so at times. You know what I am afraid of? The dark. That’s it. :P

Glitch, I know about the dreaded “friend-zone” that you’re talking about. Honestly, I don’t really care about it. The friend-zone isn’t something that people will just toss you into because they’re afraid. No, it’s where you go if you seem like a good friend, but aren’t romantically compatible with the person. I don’t think it’s anything to try and circumvent; there’s just either something more to the two of you, or there’s not.

As for dating, I’m sorry, but I have my own ideology. If I’m dating a girl, I won’t hold out on them because I don’t want to seem needy. I will be there for them, no matter what happens. If that person trusts you, they know that you won’t disappear if you can’t get a date from said person. You developed a friendship before you started dating (in most cases), and that will always be there. Remember, it’s only awkward if you make it awkward. If you really care about that person, you can’t let anything come between the two of you, and you will always be there for them. Sometimes a girl is more afraid of asking you out than you are of asking them out. They want to be certain about how you feel before they try to initiate everything. If you show them that you’re only casually interested, then they may come to the conclusion that you’re not the kind of guy they’re looking for. However, if you’re there for them when they need you, and sometimes even when they don’t, if you show them that you truly do care, then they’ll know how you feel. Relationships are about two things: trust, and communication. You have to trust each other if you want the relationship to work, and you have to let your mate know how you’re feeling. If you do that, I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a connection that will last decades.

Hmmm I think I’ll formulate a decent reply tomorrow in my Typo3 seminar or something, as it has gotten kinda late – was out with my boyfriend for our 10 year anniversary
Apologies accepted, Glitch – I’m fine with it if you didn’t mean it that way, I just couldn’t let it stand like that. I still think that the “friendzone” is not something you can really consciously avoid though – much like Kunshu described, it’s something that may just ‘happen’ either way. I’ve been on the other side of that often enough, and I’d much rather not have had it that way, believe me It does feel bad to have to hurt someone you actually care about like that.

^ Yep you are both right. I mean it wasn’t a big purple elephant awkward. It was more a should I have really done that thing? It was only a little thing that crossed my mind from time to time. I suppose it was my fault, I was happy but it never ever felt ‘right’ talked to her and she said it was okay, that we would be friends no matter what but I still think from time to time was what I did right? You could see it broke her heart, no-one should feel that. No-one should go through with that but I did that to her. We talked through it before we started and talked after it. In true it makes you feel dirty. It ended happily and it has gone back to the it has. I still dwell on the what if’s. It lasted for 2 and a bit years, I did feel happy but to me it felt like something was missing.

I know all relationships start with a good friendship but to me it’s a different type of friendship. Or maybe it’s what you’re both describing? It happens if it happens.

I guess nothing is ever too much. If you love someone.
You never stop, you never quit, you never go too far.
That’s what the amazing woman said.

Thanks Frotee apology being accepted means I can sleep at night. I don’t like leaving ill feelings where there are none due.

We all have our own ideology. Does it all boil down to trust, communication, love and respect ? Even amazement or wonder? Being a gentleman is all you need to be really as long as you can be trusted, honest, respectful and relied upon?

Kunshu I really don’t know why life is dealing you a bad hand but you have to make the best of what’s given to you. You’re a great person, what’s holding you back? Maybe it was a school thing. If you act like this you’ll have plenty of friends in college and be respected.

There’s nothing holding you back, you truly are a great person.

I’ll just post this to be clear. In no way did OPs reminding of my son indicate I felt he had Asperger’s like my son. His further observations that he is probably neuro-typical, neither surprise me nor change my advice. Social skills coaching can be very useful for neuro-typical people as well! Debugging your social cues is useful in many professions for better performance. Doing so does not indicate a lack of confidence or any other issues. My comments to OP were based on his own self-reported level of dissatisfaction with the quality of his interactions. That and no one really is fully aware of how they come across.

But it is still a debugging tactic that happens offline. The general support offered here on the forum is quite impressive too.

Just remembered what I wanted to add/explain (yesterday was kind of busy, sorry):

When you’re interested in someone, you really shouldn’t think too hard about how you might seem too “available” when you try to make time for them whenever they need you.
Yes, confidence is sexy. So is independence, or rather: Seeming to have a life of your own. But this only means that even when you have a crush on someone, you shouldn’t sit around all day waiting for them to call you (or at least not making it obvious). It is perfectly fine if you are always there for your prospective significant other, as long as you don’t abandon all your other interests. It’s kind of difficult to explain, but as long as they see that you have things (other than them) that you are passionate about, you’ll be fine – as long as there is a spark, that is

On a general note – will you keep us updated on your progress, Kunshu? Maybe we can help when any specific issue comes up Or you could have a journal detailing to you the little successes you have each day. Maybe make small goals for each day, like “I will talk to 3 fellow students today”, “I will have smalltalk with other students while waiting in line in front of the cafeteria”, etc. (talking to people and having pleasant, lighthearted conversations with strangers takes practice, but it really helps in having a pleasant university life and meeting friends).