As you can probably tell by the sarcastic nature of the thread’s title, this post will obviously outline the nature of the Elementalist’s development as it has been so far. Remember, apparently Areanet is interested in letting the “meta” develop and “fixing” all the bugs that this lovely little game we play has to offer. Without further ado, I present to you the officially unofficial manifesto to the Elementalist’s past, present, and future. I would like to say that this came off the presses at Areanet but sadly it’s all my own.
I, of course, write this in jest but I’m sure after today’s patch that people are really starting to feel that this is the path the Elementalist is headed down.
Feel free to add your own “fixes” to the list.
Elementalist
General
- Identify class as the spell caster MMO archetype. Then, instead of doing high DPS for low survivability do low DPS for low survivability!
- Addendum to the above: it’s all the glass without the cannon!
- Identify complaints with the class on the Guild Wars 2 forums that the players want fixed. Then, do the opposite.
- Add warning when selecting this profession in character creator: “We will challenge you. We will test you. We will break you. Should you succeed in our trials we will nerf you. We will nerf you until you are begging on your knees. Then we will nerf you more. This is hard mode. Not a fair hard mode. A hard mode that you will not win at. Muhahaha.”
Skills
- Remove Fire 2-5, Water 2-5, Air 2-5, and Earth 2-5.
- Change Fire 1 to “Deathly Inferno.”
- Deathly Inferno will result in your character being engulfed in a fiery inferno resulting in immediate death. Has chance to burn foes. Not too much though. That would be overpowered then. Has a 16 second cooldown – we can’t have the Elementalist outperforming any other class at fiery death’s after all!
- Change Water 1 to “Tsunami of Almosts…”
- Tsunami of Almosts will result in your character creating a tsunami tidal wave that will engulf the area. Has no effect on enemies. Heals allies but not too much. Provides invulnerability to all allies for 8 seconds. Results in character death from drowning. Has 45 second cooldown – you know, because otherwise you would be less useless!
- Change Air 1 to “A Hundred Bolts”
- A Hundred Bolts upon activation will result in a lightning storm forming over the entire area. These bolts do critical instant kills and targets enemies and allies. Accuracy rate has been adjusted to negative percentiles (yes, we divided by 0!). It will never hit an enemy or an ally. However, did I forget to mention that it has a 99.9995 percent chance of killing the caster? Oh, I didn’t? Oops. Otherwise it’d need to be nerfed and called a “bug fix.”
*Change Earth 1 to “A Thousand Stonings” - A Thousand Stonings once activated will result in character death by instantly teleporting a thousand allies to your location via a Mesmer teleporter. It grants said allies one stone of earth to throw at you. Upon completion of the skill all who participated will receive a dynamic event reward. Cooldown is one day. Use of this skill results in the diminishing returns system to activate on all players teleported to the area. This is to avoid any player from earning anything meaningful in the game without grinding for a thousand days.
Utility Skills
- Remove all utility skills and replace them with the following: “Glyph of Nerf Harmony,” "Arcane Shield of the “Elementalist Takes Skills” Players," “Arcane Blast of Learn to Play,” and “Glyph of Elementalist Can Outrun Centaurs, Thieves, Warriors, Mesmers, and Guardians.”
- Note on the above: Don’t know what the above does? Learn to play!
Elite Skills
- Nerf for no reason when needing to fatten up the “bug fix” list. Just pick a skill and nerf!
Other
- Let the META develop and say the Elementalist is “balanced and fair like Fox News.”
- Since the Elementalist is not a bug laden profession, nerf everything that works and call it a “bug fix” that was needed to “balance” the perfectly balanced game that is called Guild Wars 2. Remember, it isn’t fair unless the enemy mob can one shot you or you must press 20 buttons when fighting something as simple as a Moa!
BLTC
- Add “Elementalist Survival Package” to the Black Lion Trading Company. For the low, low price of 4,000 gems, this one time use item from the Black Lion Trading Company will allow you to change your class to anything other than the Elementalist will still retaining the title and skills of an Elementalist. This means that you can have the fun of both worlds! Want to do something in one or two buttons? We have it covered. Want to press sixteen buttons to do what takes everyone else two so you can call it “skills”? We have it covered too! Available today!
Jade Quarry
BWE – Present
BWE – Present
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