Guild Wars 2

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

I actually loved the idea of knocking players out to another map.
Good laugh.

Fixed the updated footfall effect on Bolt and Incinerator promised last patch. (But not really).

make this man a developer now, he’s a kittening genius!!

10/10

/15 char

This made me lol . Bravo

seanpenn.7364:

The Shatterer: Can no longer be attacked by standing on the left side rock formation, players will now have to stand on the right side to auto-attack instead.

Why do I see this one really coming?

Statue of Dwayna – Now instantly heals herself whenever she kittens into a corner. Added an extra .00001% to drop a charged lodestone for added time and effort. Players no longer can beat up Malchor. They have to pay him for his services.

Lyssa – Added more gorillas.

Melandru – Added more jokes about Asurans being short. Spiders no longer drop glided chests. Mobs have 50% less health so you can’t tag anything.

Raven Paradox.1860:

Mobs have 50% less health so you can’t tag anything.

When you think about it, it was mentioned that the new Teq encounter will have mobs that don’t drop any loot whatsoever instead will reward players at the end of every phase/boss HP percentage (not sure) and after finishing the event. This is good stuff since it basically diverts the players attention from “Tag as many mobs as fast as possible to get loots” to “Focus on the fight mechanics in order to achieve a win.”

If this becomes successfully implemented, I hope they implement it for all similar encounters.

Very nice lol … had a good laugh.

You forgot the Maw.

lmao.. my pc is better than yours. made me chuckle.

-Exciting news for The Frozen Maw! Since the event seemed to be not challenging enough and too short for players, we have introduced a new foe. The world event for Wayfarer Foothills will now be a battle against a new Dragon – Lahg the Blue Screened.

seanpenn.7364:

Game Update Notes – September 17, 2013

Fake Patch Notes:
————————-

Claw of Jormag: Will now freeze up to 50 random players on the Frostgorge map three times during the encounter, frozen players will die instantly and lose 1 random piece of equipped armor which will be completely destroyed (beyond repair due to chill) Also Jormag will penalize all the afk players by raining ice shards over Lions arch which will last until it is slain. All other players running champ trains will be frozen as well and will be unable to move for 24 hrs.
Chance of precursor drop from its chest is now doubled to 0.00002% to compensate for the added difficulty.

I laughed harder than I should have at that part.

That update sounds epic. Loving the penalties for AFKers.

Shadow Behemoth sounds so freakin’ fun! Zone wide killing effect and teleportation to the underworld? Sign me up!

seanpenn.7364:

Game Update Notes – September 17, 2013

Fake Patch Notes:
————————-

Claw of Jormag: Will now freeze up to 50 random players on the Frostgorge map three times during the encounter, frozen players will die instantly and lose 1 random piece of equipped armor which will be completely destroyed (beyond repair due to chill) Also Jormag will penalize all the afk players by raining ice shards over Lions arch which will last until it is slain. All other players running champ trains will be frozen as well and will be unable to move for 24 hrs.
Chance of precursor drop from its chest is now doubled to 0.00002% to compensate for the added difficulty.

Shadow Behemoth: Will now have 10 total phases, Each phase will now spawn additional portals accompanied by Aatxes. 5 random players will be sent into Underworld during the final phase and have a chance to fight Dhuum. If they 5 players fail to kill Dhuum, Shadow Behemoth will slay all enemies in Queensdale causing all equipped armor to break on all players. Dhuum will also randomly slay players 20 players per minute all over Tyria till the Shadow Behemoth event re-starts. Dhuum’s Scythe is now added to the chest with a chance of 0.00003% to compensate for the added difficulty.

Fire Elemental: Will now cause your fps to drop below 5 and will make this fight nearly impossible. If somehow players manage to slay this creature, it will now reward each players with a title: “My Pc is better than yours!” Upon failing, it will award the title: “Buy a better pc”

Great Jungle Wurm: Now will take up to 2 mins to kill, versus the previous 1 min to increase the difficulty. Players will receive an extra blue drop from the chest of lvl 15 to compensate for the extra time and effort.

The Shatterer: Can no longer be attacked by standing on the left side rock formation, players will now have to stand on the right side to auto-attack instead. Players standing in the old rock formation will instead turn into Branded creatures and will be forced to attack other players.

Tequatl the Sunless: will now require 80 man zergs wearing exotics or better, a cool minipet has been added to the chest which will be account bound and will have a slightly higher chance to drop than a precursor. Although we might make it more rare during a ninja patch soon after the update.
Upon failing this event, Lions Arch will be transformed to an underwater city, Risen Sharks will have their way with all that dare to enter.

Inquest Golem Mark II: will now transform into Mark III and perform a new spinning move which may knock your character all the way to cursed shore or possibly even to the Fire Island Chain (who knows this will be RNG based), knockback can be avoided if you character performs precision jump-dodge roll. This boss can no longer be defeated, instead last person standing on the platform will now be rewarded with 10g. All other Knocked off characters will lose 1g from their account wallet.

Hope you all enjoyed =)!

Looking forward to the revamp of all bosses, hope Anet implements some of the above changes =D!

LOLLOLO!!! I read all of it hahahhahaha ROFLMAO so funny LOLOL fire ele and jorlagg most hilarious LOL

but i would love a underwater lions arch, i made a suggestion in the suggestion forums for a ’’flood’’ living story content

and fighting dhuum wud be epic too

Elbegast.6970:

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

You so hilarious.
Now the one that made me laugh more was Tequila… ah-ah. Sarcasm aside, it was fun to read.
It’s an over-exaggeration of a true phenomenon. I hope Anet will do better this time with adjustments.

P.S. FIGHTING DHUUM AGAIN – make it happen!

seanpenn.7364:

Game Update Notes – September 17, 2013

Good laugh. But lets not give them ideas… Soon enough we’ll have a bunch of one hour long metas that nobody will participate in because of effort/payout ratio. Kudos for creativity! And thanks for good laugh

Elbegast.6970:

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

I didn’t read this post, but I’ll let anyone know about it.

seanpenn.7364:

Game Update Notes – September 17, 2013

Fake Patch Notes:
————————-

Fire Elemental: Will now cause your fps to drop below 5 and will make this fight nearly impossible. If somehow players manage to slay this creature, it will now reward each players with a title: “My Pc is better than yours!” Upon failing, it will award the title: “Buy a better pc”

Actually this is always happening on both of my machines. When the golem transforms, i get 3-5 FPS for a few seconds.

I’d laugh, but this feels a bit too real. Please write more of these!

lol this was a good read….

“Chance of precursor drop from its chest is now doubled to 0.00002% to compensate for the added difficulty.”

my favorite!

Elbegast.6970:

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

You must be the kind of person at parties who stands over the punch bowl and lectures people about high-fructose corn syrup.

Piogre.2164:

Elbegast.6970:

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

You must be the kind of person at parties who stands over the punch bowl and lectures people about high-fructose corn syrup.

I don’t go to parties and I have nothing against high-fructose corn syrup. Your body can’t tell the difference. Bananas are good. I like bananas.

Elbegast.6970:

Piogre.2164:

Elbegast.6970:

I didn’t read any of that. I don’t watch fake movie trailers either.

You must be the kind of person at parties who stands over the punch bowl and lectures people about high-fructose corn syrup.

I don’t go to parties and I have nothing against high-fructose corn syrup. Your body can’t tell the difference. Bananas are good. I like bananas.

I didn’t read this post either.

Raven Paradox.1860:

Statue of Dwayna – Now instantly heals herself whenever she kittens into a corner. Added an extra .00001% to drop a charged lodestone for added time and effort. Players no longer can beat up Malchor. They have to pay him for his services.

Lyssa – Added more gorillas.

Melandru – Added more jokes about Asurans being short. Spiders no longer drop glided chests. Mobs have 50% less health so you can’t tag anything.

So true. So painful.

9.7/10

You missed a few.

Dredge Commissar – daze on hit skill now takes up the first 20 minutes of this revamped fight. Boss despawns if he isn’t attacked for longer than 5 seconds.

Fire Shaman -now spawns a fire elemental every time his health is depleted, gaining more abilities and spamming more minions every time. There’s no way to truly defeat this encounter, as it just continues scaling to infinity until the server is reset. The only way to win is to never play.

Eye of Zhaitan will now fly across the zone, zapping players with pew pew lazor eyebeams. Players wishing to down him will have to get an Aion account and fight him from there. Drops 3 guaranteed precursors every time, but since you get them on Aion, they’re useless.

Foulbear Chieftain – Destroying the ogre kraal has been deemed too violent by ogre rights activists. The assaulting players will now attempt to deal with the ogre problem by out-breeding them, forcing them to eventually leave due to the complete depletion of natural resources in Fields of Ruin. This event is planned to last for approximately 150-250 years. Rewards will be claimable in Guild Wars 3.

Risen High Wizard will now challenge players to a swag-off. The wizard’s determination will be depleted by players linking sweet weapons in map chat, eventually causing him to flee in shame.

Karka Queen – the new fight mechanics require rounding up young karka and teaching them the virtues and benefits of democracy. Event completes when the young karka become fully grown and after an arduous revolutionary effort, subsidized by players handing in weapons, armor and food at the Karka relations liaison Lionguard Lyns.

Megadestroyer This reworked event sees players attempt to stop the volcano stabilizing process that spawns the Megadestroyer in the first place by destroying the three Aetherovariation modules after burning the research camp to the ground. Unforunately, the loot chest still spawns in the same place and now becomes inaccessible due to the volcano erupting.

Temple of Melandru
The Risen Priest of Melandru is now defeated by players bringing exceptionally large vegetables to the Cursed Shore agricultural exhibit. Once enough oversized vegetables have been cultivated by players in their home instances and brought to the exhibition, the priest resigns that maybe he doesn’t really have Melandru’s blessing and abandons his defense of the temple.

Would be great if they really implement this.

You know that actually sounds fun. Except for the losing your armor and gold bits.

I remember a special event in another game that had these mobs that came out of portals. These were hilarious. The mobs could throw you a long ways in the air. One time they threw my character so far she landed amongst higher level mobs some of which were bosses. She was massacred. I was sorry to see those mobs go when the event was over.

Good times.

“Eye of Zhaitan will now fly across the zone, zapping players with pew pew lazor eyebeams. Players wishing to down him will have to get an Aion account and fight him from there. Drops 3 guaranteed precursors every time, but since you get them on Aion, they’re useless.”

NCSoft approves. It will be in the new patch.

OP knows how to save GW2 better than AN. Kudos for you. :P

I gotta say, although I laughed at most of it, 2 things really intrigued me and left me wanting this content in the game for real:

Dhuum battle as a result of Shadow Behemoth encounter.

Underwater Lions Arch. As one poster mentioned above, this would be a cool twist to the Living Story if somehow LA would get flooded and everything would be underwater for a little while. I mean, LA gets transformed every few months anyways, be it Halloween or Wintersday, Dragon Bash, etc…why not some crazy twist like this? Would be awesome!

10/10, would play

ahahah 10/10 good ones!

Do we still get sent to Underworld if we’re on a US server, or will it be somewhere worse like Maguuma?

LameFox.6349:

Do we still get sent to Underworld if we’re on a US server, or will it be somewhere worse like Maguuma?

That made me think of a brilliant idea….Dhuum can banish you from your server and send you to Europe, or vice-versa!

Mario Lemieux.9107:

LameFox.6349:

Do we still get sent to Underworld if we’re on a US server, or will it be somewhere worse like Maguuma?

That made me think of a brilliant idea….Dhuum can banish you from your server and send you to Europe, or vice-versa!

What if he banishes you to the secret banned server where all the banned bots and players are? Dhuum’s personally banned bots in gw1, after all.