Guild Wars 2

don’t QQ.

tl;dr? google

kthxbai

Amos.8760:

I can’t see how any rational person could argue that “naughty words” should have a place in common, public speech. They are in no way necessary or productive.

They’re productive. At least as productive as all adverbs and many adjectives. They provide context about the speaker’s opinions and state of mind. In essence, they serve as verbal shorthand. Rather than get into a prolonged discussion about perceived deficiencies and wordy complaints, the speaker can sum up, with a single F-word, their views on a particular subject. It’s interesting that you chose the word “naughty,” as if the words, in and of themselves, carried moral weight. They’re just collections of letters. Does that mean I should be punctuating my sentences with them? Probably not. But that’s only because I pride myself on more artful speech.

Kumu Honua.2751:

(Perhaps not EVE. That game was a whole other ball of wax.)

I like the way eve handles it. Just block the offender and you’ll never have to listen to them again if you don’t want to. The GMs occasionally get involved if you go waaay off the deep end, but that’s pretty hard to do.

I’ve had this problem several times. It’s not just champions or skill point challengers. It’s very frustrating to use one of your class skills, especially the stealth healing option, and then have the NPC reset. It happens often enough to make me curse.

edit: to respond to one or two posters, I’ve been fighting skill point challengers within inches of their starting point. In fact, its worse when you’re right at their starting point. They immediately go green and out of combat if you stealth. There are variations as well, including NPCs totally resetting and popping back to their starting point, not running, just vanishing from their current spot and reappearing at the start point.

basilisk venom has never worked with my pistols. ever.

It’s pretty tortorous. I would care a lot less about how convoluted it were if it didn’t eat up so much inventory space. I’d like to see anything that features as an ingredient in something else be a collectible. Or perhaps if we had a special bank vault called a “refrigerator” or “pantry” that we can put only food items/ingredients in. Same for the guild bank. Otherwise you’ve got a lot of wasted food. You can’t do anything with it but sell it on TP, eat it, or destroy it. Selling on the TP is a joke for most items. Even assuming your item is worth only 1 copper, the other 500k orders are going to get filled first. Cooking ends up throwing away so much time/money it’s ridiculous.

I just was buying some items on the Trading Post. I set the number of items and clicked and it appeared that nothing happened. I clicked Buy again (bad move #1). There was a pause, still nothing seemed to happen, then all of a sudden both of the purchases flashed up the Coin icons along the right side of the screen. But nothing was ever delivered. I want either my stuff or my coins. Who do we contact and how do we contact them to correct this problem?

LANN Distribution—WIRE RELEASE

BREAKING NEWS

Problem Plagues Tixx’s Toxx, Investigation Won’t Stop
by Jessica Wardwood and Karl Beerstein

Earlier today Golemancer Qalixx the Inestimably Brilliant and Artificer Utta the Master of Minutiae, in cooperation with Fook and Tupp Testing Laboratories (FTTL), asked the Arcane Council to submit an inspection notice to Tixx Infinirarium, Inc.

The Arcane Council actedly uncharacteristically quickly and issued the order less than 2 hours later.

Inspectors boarded Tixx’s docked airship and immediately deactivated Toxx. Toxx was removed to a fortified laboratory at FTTL. Upon close examination, Qalixx and Utta discovered a device similar to the ones found in toys around the world.

Qalixx and Utta say the unidentified device closely resembles the command and control device initially installed by its creator, but, like the controllers found in the toys, appears to be capable of receiving remote signals.

Tixx Infinirarium technicians have confirmed that Toxx is capable of accessing the manufacturing process and making changes.

A search of the production log files has begun and various elements of the machines used to produce the toys are being disassembled.

Shortly after Qalixx and Utta announced that they had found a device, ranking Officers of the Peacekeepers officially opened a criminal investigation.

All of the information gathered by LANN has been turned over to authorities. The research team hired by LANN has been released from contract by LANN, and they have joined with FTTL Inspectors and Peacekeeper Detectives as part of an Investigation Krewe.

FLASH COMMUNIQUE

Agent: Lightbringer
Commander: Smiley
Rating: Eyes Only, Decrypt Personal

Commander Smiley,
Your lamplighters got us a good listening perch on Councilor Yahk. The new devices are wonderful.

Yahk runs a pretty tight ship, so there’s not a lot of frivolous chit chat. Mostly administrative chatter and ordering people around.

Important bit is the following that Harry transcripted a little while ago:

Transcript Begin

[visitor arrives, no name given, voice not recognized]
JOHN DOE: Good afternoon, sir.
Yahk: I’m quite tired of the news I’ve been reading.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any better, sir.
YahK: I take it your news is bad?
JOHN DOE: I’m sorry, sir, yes it is. I went to see the bodies, sir. The bandit was definitely Desoto. He’s the one who helps get supplies from the Inquiry Center to the Exploration Post. Sort of free pass with the bandits, sir. He also helps MJ with finding talent for jobs.
Yahk: So MJ was the Asuran?
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. Almost certainly, sir.
Yahk: I’m not sure I understand the fire magic.
JOHN DOE: MJ was loyal to the end, sir. He followed the protocol to avoid capture or identification.
Yahk: MJ believed he was on a sanctioned job.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir.
Yahk: MJ was with the Sons who killed Plott on the steps of the Court.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir.
Yahk: Do we know anything about the Pusher?
JOHN DOE: He was for sale, sir. MJ and me have both used him before to dig up bits and bobs. Make paper disappear. That sort of thing, sir.
Yahk: Someone gave MJ an order. There’s only two people who could do that.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir.
Yahk: Why would someone do that?
JOHN DOE: Sir. I imagine a Pusher might be able to answer that question.
Yahk: But not a dead Pusher?
JOHN DOE: No, sir. Not a dead one.
Yahk: I’m having trouble imagining why a Pusher is involved at all. What was filed?
JOHN DOE: Sir, I don’t think it was directly related.
Yahk: Are you telling me that someone was running a side business?
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. I believe so. Someone had a little scam running with someone else’s junior assistant. I think that’s why there’s so many patent suits. Someone was getting a preview of things to come, getting a patent, then springing a gotcha before product launch. Quiet little settlement. No one need ever know, sir.
Yahk: So. Someone has wrecked years of work out of greed. Someone made a mistake and is now trying to clean it up.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir.
Yahk: It’s time to put an end to this.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. I’m afraid so.
Yahk: I think it would be best if we just rolled the whole thing up. It doesn’t matter who made mistakes and who didn’t. The ties have to be cut. All of them.
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. All of them.
Yahk: So much has happened though. I’m not sure Rata Sum can take more bedlam. Is there some way to make this problem just vanish?
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir. But, I suspect that the inquisitive minds of Lion’s Arch News Network will not be satisfied without something definitive, sir. Something to wrap everything up in a neat little package, sir. With a bow.
Yahk: A bow?
JOHN DOE: Yes, sir.
Yahk: Ha! Clever. Get it done.

Transcript End

Agent Lightbringer

LANN Distribution—WIRE RELEASE

Parts of Unknown Origin Found in Toys
by Jessica Wardwood and Karl Beerstein

The LANN investigation into the safety of Tixx Infinirarium took a mysterious turn today when it was discovered that the wreckage of Tixx toys recovered by Adventurers all contained unregistered control and command parts.

Golemancer Qalixx the Inestimably Brilliant and Artificer Utta the Master of Minutiae have been leading the inspection of the toys and their designs.

“We have conclusive evidence that all of the toy wrecks so far collected have unregistered controllers and a previously unseen command language. None of the design documents include this part or references to the language.” Golemancer Qalixx reported.

Utta conducted tests on toys from several manufacturers, including Tixx. “We’ve conducted 50 tests as of lunch time today. In each test we installed the controllers into toys and then, using command log files from salvaged toys, we reconstructed the commands given to the Wintersday toys. In each test, the test toys went beserk. All were destroyed under controlled conditions.”

Follow-up work has focused on a part located in the heads of the toys that is believed to receive signals at a distance. “Our best theory, and I want to stress, just a theory, is that a signal was periodically triggering the beserk mode. If toys in the local area were destroyed and new ones delivered, the signal would trigger them and the cycle would repeat itself. It’s still not clear how the parts were installed, but we’ve contacted Tixx Infinirarium’s technical team through the Arcane Council to get access to the airship.”

Adventurers who were active on the airship during Wintersday have all reported that Tixx’s personal golem, Toxx, and manufacturing devices were plagued with similar problems. “It would be premature to offer anything other than pure speculation at this point,” said Qalixx, “but if Tixx’s personal golem were compromised by a device like the ones in the toy, it’s possible that someone was able to directly access the manufacturing devices and schematic input terminals.”

The LANN investigation continues. All results have been turned over to the Arcane Council.

The

The Rata Sum Revealer

Svanir Mercenaries Responsible for Court Attack
by Kikkikk the Nosy

The Norn believed to be responsible for today’s attack that killed 2 on the Court steps were confronted and killed in the Brisban Wildlands as they attempted to run the pass at Mrot Boru.

After a short, sharp battle with Adventurers who were also traversing the path, 12 individuals were killed. The dead included 10 Norn, 1 Asuran who was traveling with them, and 1 human believed to be working with local bandits. The Adventurers report that as it became clear that the small force of outlaws was going to be killed, several of the Norn turned and attacked the Asuran. The Norn used some sort of fire magic, making it impossible to determine the Asuran’s identity.

Representatives who were called to the scene from Hoelbrak were able to identify the Norn as Sons of Svanir. The human bandit was unknown to local authorities and no one has claimed the body.

One local law enforcement official speculated that the bandit was a guide. The official noted that small force had initially attempted to avoid the adventurers and made for a small smuggler’s path that skirts the Koga Ruins. It is likely that had the group managed to make it to the Ruins, they would have been able to break out into the open on the other side, an open, lawless area unpatrolled by Peacemakers.

No Council official was available to comment on the record. Hoelbrak officials released a short statement before returning home: “We know all too well that the Sons of Svanir threaten the safety of all. Now that they strike further away, we fear that others will soon learn the same, hard lessons that we have.”

The Rata Sum Revealer

Chaos: 2 Killed, 237 Injured on Day 1 of Roe v. Tixx
by Kikkikk the Nosy

The first hearing of the Roe v. Tixx case degenerated into chaos today before the Court was even called to Order. The dramatic events of Day 1 resulted in 2 deaths and at least 237 injuries, ranging from bumps and bruises to serious head injuries.

By first light this morning, the Court’s chamber, anterooms, foyer, steps, and courtyard, and the side paths leading to it were filled with thousands of plaintiffs, Barristers, and Paper Pushers all attempting to meet the filing deadline for their documents.

Here and there scrums and fights broke out, arguments were screamed in every direction, and residents of the surrounding quarter were forced to evacuate to safer ground with the help of Peacekeepers.

Inside the Court the din was so loud that it became impossible to conduct any of the processes and procedures required by Court and Union regulations. Officers of the Court and Administers of Paper were forced at several points to deploy security golems to protect themselves from outraged supplicants.

More than 3 hours after the Hearing was scheduled to begin, an Announcement of a Temporary Delay was made by the Court and issued to the crowds by Crier Bots. The announcement caused an immediate commotion and shouted charges of coverups and conspiracies.

Shortly afterwards a large contigent of Norn gathered into a military formation and charged their way to the steps of the Court. There they drew weapons and clashed with Peacekeepers and bystanders caught in the fray.

The panicked crowd outside the Court tried to flee the violence, causing a massive stampede. Hundreds of individuals poured into bottlenecks created by the narrow paths of the diminutive Asura and were trampled.

The crowd inside fled from the violence on the steps by rushing further into the Court. Many individuals were trampled on the stairs and in the narrow hallways leading into the Chambers.

The Norn provocateurs were only stopped when Adventurers who had “come to watch the show” intervened with overwhelming force. The battle left one of the Norn dead. Approximately 10 other Norn were injured, but they managed to flee the scene and remain on the run.

While the Peacekeepers on the steps all escaped serious injury at the hands of the Norn, 2 bystanders, Plott, Master Barrister, Parlimentarian Plenipotentiary of Lilla, Plott, Muuva, and Krewe, and Paper Pusher 3rd Class Takaa, were killed.

The battered crowd was eventually dispersed by several battalions of Peacemakers and helpful Adventurers. Many of the individuals calling themselves Plaintiffs have refused to leave the city for fear that they’ll be denied re-entry. Rata Sum is quiet now, but the situation remains tense.

LANN Distribution—WIRE RELEASE

Tixx Safety Reports Were Clean
by: Jennifer Wardwood and Karl Beerstein

A LANN investigation into Tixx Infinirarium product safety has found that safety tests were conducted on Tixx toys the day before Tixx embarked on his troubled Wintersday journey.

The safety tests, which were conducted by Fook and Tupp Testing Laboratories, gave all of the toys and entertainment devices clean inspections and all were FTTL-Certified Delightful.

Lab CEO Fook personally led the certification team. “The tests went swimmingly! Everything was just peachy! We had a wonderful time running the toys through their paces. In several tests, the Testers lost their balance while playing at War with the Ventari and fell into the path of a charging warrior. In every case, the Ventari avoided them, including one incident in which the only path of avoidance for the Ventari was off of a steep ledge, which it promptly did, resulting in its destruction.”

LANN has obtained the Patent submissions for Tixx Infinirarium designs H01253, P121/V-C355, SQR-G0l3M, 50-L-D1312, and G12-1PH-PH0/V. All were stamped approved by the various certifying authorities that make up the Asuran patent system. LANN asked Golemancer Qalixx the Inestimably Brilliant and Artificer Utta the Master of Minutiae to review the designs and design paperwork.

“Our initial reviews find the basic schematics and design specs to be accurate and, to all appearances, should work as expected.” said Qalixx, “However, the control systems will require a more thorough review. The Tixx designs are some of the most complex I’ve ever seen.”

Utta agreed, “the designs are quite impressive. Having looked at the schematics and the testing reports, I still can’t imagine what would cause every one of the later releases to run amok. The controllers are definitely the place to focus on.”

LANN sent letters to the Governments of the areas affected by the Wintersday events asking them to submit samples of toys destroyed by adventurers in their area. Those samples have been turned over to Qalixx and Utta for further testing.

Posted from Rata Sum

From: MJ
To: Yakka

I would be happy to take care of that for you. I’m putting some secretaries on it right away. They’re very tidy.

MJ

From: Yakka
To: MJ

I think maybe I misfiled something. Can you clean up the filing mistake for me? You know the one we talked about the other day.

Yakka

From: M.J.
To: Yakka

List attached. Those reporters are obviously on someone’s good side. Usually, our Pusher will give us good reports, outlines, that sort of thing without hesitation. This time he did his duty, but he didn’t offer up anything other than the list. When I prodded him for the usual report, he dropped into that Ask the Right Question thing they do. Not good. If you need to know something, you’re going to have ask something specific or use some other channel than the Pushers.

MJ

From: Yakka
To: M.J.

Get a list of what she’s looking at.

Yakka

From: M.J.
To: Yakka

Sir,
You asked me to report anyone asking about files related to the Company. Our Pusher says a LANN reporter has been digging through things.

M.J.

From: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Bob,

Karl just got here and I’m getting him up to speed while I write this. Deep Moat gave us a tidbit, that Tixx’s toys had just passed an inspection less than a week before launch. So I came here to check it out.

It didn’t take me long to end up at the Paper Pusher’s Union Hall. Talk about a mad house. These guys are making money hand over fist. It would probably be more efficient for them to just turn customers upside down and shake their money loose at the door.

I got lucky and ran into a Charr offering help navigating the bureaucracy here. I’m sending the bill over. Don’t freak out. It’s actually much much cheaper than it could have been. Plus, since I had someone with me who knew who to ask about what, we made up a lot of lost time. we also had to hire a Paper Pusher. That bill is in there too. Again, cheaper than it would have been.

I’ve got copies of the Tixx inspection. He definitely got all of his designs checked out and filed all of his paperwork. I’m bringing in an Asuran golemancer and artificer to help us make sense of what we’ve found. We’ve also got copies of all the patents and lawsuits. I’ll say this for the Arcane Council, they’ve got the most intricate filing system I’ve ever seen. Our Paper Pusher says if we ask the right question, there’s nothing we can’t find.

Back to work
J.

From: Karl Beerstein, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, , Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
CC: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Bob,
I think we’ve got a big break coming your way. Jenny’s in Rata Sum doing some leg work. I’ve just finished here in the Grove and now I’m heading over to join her.

We got a great source today. We’ll tell you who in person, but we swore to secrecy and so will you. Jenny is wild with excitement. Not sure why she’s so bloodthirsty though.

I copied out some of my notes in case you want to put some beat reporters on background.

Karl

NOTES

-Source “Deep Moat” deep background, refuses to be quoted; says to “follow the money”; suggests contacting ground crews and security staff not on the airship. Suggests that toys were tested and approved safe before incidents.

-Source #1 (A.B.) problems started at rollout. Ground crews told staff can’t stop Present machine.

-Source #2 (Q.O.I.) Tixx Inf security in the Grove opened doors to adventurer help almost immediately at first stop. However, problem not solved, airship continues on.

-Source #‘s 3, 4, 5—adventurer party first reported in the Grove Examiner; Grove reporter gets us meeting with them. They won’t go public with their names but confirm that no matter how many times they’ve helped to solve the problem, it keeps happening.

-Source #6 (B.B.B.)—experienced mechanic; hired by Wardwood; sent with Sources 3/4/5 to airship; mechanic confirms fix but problem resumes shortly after they leave the airship.

-Agree with Jenny, if it keeps breaking, someone must be breaking it

The Daily Lion

PISAPSID CEO Condemns Tixx and Company
by Mokk the Reporter

Today at the Toy Maker Association Meeting, which concludes each year’s ToyCon, Ikktak the Enigmatic, CEO of PISAPSID, had harsh words for Tixx the Toymaker and Tixx Infinirarium.

“After weeks of madness, destruction, and devestation throughout the land, Tixx the Terrible Toymaker hasn’t said a word.

Day after day, night after night, he has rained his “Presents” on our heads and released wave after wave of crazed, homicidal toybots. But not one word of apology or explanation from The Terrible Toymaker.

Children are afraid to open anything wrapped. Families live in fear that they’ll be crushed by giant falling packages. Adventurers are working around the clock, but have been unable to end the madness. Stories of the horrors aboard his airship abound.

But through it all, not a word from the Terrible Toymaker.

I cannot imagine what explanation he will give for the chaos his inventions have wrought. Nor can I imagine why Tixx the Terrible has continued to assault us like this. It defies explanation, ration, reason.

My fellow Toymakers. We must stand together to bring Tixx to justice and replace him. Wintersday is a tradition that we hold too dear, too precious to lose to a mad man. Join with me today to protect our most hallowed traditions by signing this petition asking the Arcane Council to prosecute Tixx the Terrible and replace him with a more responsible, charitable toymaker."

The rest of Ikktak’s speech was drowned out by the onrush of the other toymaker delegates. Less than 10 minutes after his speech, he had the signature of every toymaker save one.

No representatives of Tixx Infinirarium were in attendance. We have attempted to contact Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium for comment on recent events, but spokespersons for the company said they would not be able to comment until after the holiday.

Lion’s Roar Media, Inc.
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Like I said. Now we’re even.

Happy Wintersday
Ed

From: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Edward Laurel

Ed-
I get it now. They’re your clients. I chummed the water, and you have that Mokk guy spin your product. Now I remember why I broke up with you.

J.

The Daily Lion

PISAPSID CEO Cuts Ribbon at Adventurers’ Hospital
by Mokk the Reporter

Ikktak the Enigmatic, CEO of ACME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC, cut the ribbon at an opening ceremony of the Wintersday House of Healers, a Hospitalers charity sponsored by PISAPSID.

Ikktak delivered a short speech before the opening: “The Wintersday House of Healers will be dedicated to helping the many battered and bruised adventurers who have undertaken the arduous task of confronting the crazed devices delivered this Wintersday. The Wintersday House will provide food, healing, and a place to rest before they continue their brave and loyal service. You are a vital ingredient in the Eternal Alchemy, and we are eternally grateful for your help in making Wintersday the holiday it should be.”

The gathered crowd cheered as meals, snacks, and desserts were served. The Wintersday House offered takeaway bags for those on their way to clear packages.

“We all want the best for our kids. Adventurers make life safe,” said Martta, PISAPSID Vice President of Marketing, "PISAPSID makes life fun. Together we’ll make a better Wintersday for everyone. "

Several adventurers gathered at the Wintersday House told tales of chaos and danger all over the world and, perhaps most troubling, inside Tixx’s airship. None were willing to give their names or speak of specific, identifiable incidents. Said one Norn, “Are you crazy? I’ve seen what 6 Princess Dolls can do. I don’t want to imagine what would happen if their Creator sent 10 times as many for me.”

We have attempted to contact Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium for comment on recent events, but spokespersons for the company said they would not be able to comment until after the holiday.

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Klaxxon the Verbose

I have found a great team of artists for the Advanced Font Research team. They’re all professionals who are used to working quietly in a library.

I’ve already sent Jonn notes for Ikktak. We’re going to be working our way out of the background of the Tixx story, so please make certain that all the VPs and Ikktak stay on their toes and mind their Ps and Qs. We wouldn’t want any incidents.

Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Droda Nighteyes

Thanks Droda. I think I have enough to go ahead and move forward with the client. I don’t like being the dark, but there are limits to what we can do, obviously.

Hey, don’t forget the party this evening. I’ve got a bottle of a whiskey I’m pretty sure you’ve never tried.

Happy Wintersday
Ed

Nighteyes Investigations

From: Droda
To: Ed

I’ve gone through the CEO and VP histories. What there is to find. Asurans aren’t big on record keeping if it isn’t data produced by their Krewe, in their discipline. The court system is mainly filled with Patent lawsuits of one kind or another. Not much is considered crime outside of outright larceny, murder and other violent crimes, and there is precious little Asuran vs Asuran crime of those types. All of them have been successful in their fields. All of them have extensive, reputable (by Asuran standards) professional histories.

The CEO, Ikktak, is kind of hard to get a handle on, but that’s probably why he’s called Ikktak the Enigmatic. His professional history has lots of gaps, but he keeps getting hired by top notch Krewes and companies. Whatever filled those gaps doesn’t worry any Asurans who hired him at the time.

I know that’s not what you want to hear for one of your clients, but the only avenues left to us are combing through whatever legal records there are out there. That will take court filings, Barristers, and, gods help you, Paper Pushers. You’ll be broke before you even find the right person to ask about who to ask about where to get the information in the first place.

That’s it for me on this one, Ed. I can’t stand in lines in Rata Sum for the next two months.

Happy Wintersday
Droda

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Tarrak Swordstrike, Vilma Longtail

After two days and almost 50g in fees, I was finally able to hire some Paper Pushers. Who very promptly and politely submitted my Barrister application and handed me a rejection less than a minute later. Application denied. Seek Certification. After the Paper Pusher nightmare, I’m not even going to try get through the Barrister process. It’s obvious the Asurans aren’t going to let anyone into the money loop. We’ll just have to hire them. But, that isn’t a problem…

Because there was a bit of good news. This one Asuran Pusher (as they call themselves) seemed to take a shine to me. Said I was “at least as bright as the progeny who place last in their classes.” That’s pretty high praise from an Asuran.

Once we’d finally gotten through that hellish process, he offered me 20 free questions and a “nudge in the correct direction of inquiry.” I agreed and he asked, “how much did this process cost you?” I told him and he said nothing. These guys take asking the right question to new heights, so I thought long and hard. After a couple of starts and stops, I finally came up with “what is the fastest, cheapest way to complete the process of hiring Paper Pushers to work on the Roe v. Tixx case?” That got me an “Excellent, Ms. Firetongue!” and a two page summary of the way to navigate the process.

So, I went to the back of the line and started selling my services as a process guide. I’m already up 200g. I’m cutting you guys in for 10%, but if you want in on more, you’re going to have get out here and work the line with me. At the rate the gold is flowing in though, I’m pretty sure you’re already standing up and putting on your coats.

Happy Wintersday!
Mara

Black Lion Traders

From: Barry
To: Jack

More reinforcements!! Get the biggest bags, the biggest dolyaks, and at least 100 helpers and guards! Jack, I barely escaped a gold stack cascade! Tosha and I were nearly killed!

If you can’t get us the help we need, I’m quitting!

Barry

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CONTINUED

THIRD CONTACT

Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 0

New Client, 3rd Contact: 25c
Previous Balance Due: 0
Current Balance Due: 25c

Mara Firetongue: Okay. Here’s my receipt showing that I’ve paid my accounts due. Please cancel my Personal Account and setup a Business Account.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly, Ms. Firetongue! It will take me just a moment to complete the Cancellation Form and fill out a new Business Account Form.

Account Cancellation Fee: 50s
New Account Activation, Business: 50s
Black Lion Receipt Processing Fee, Business: 50s
Previous Balance Due: 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 50s 15c

Paper Pusher Martokk: Here’s your business member card, a complimentary pen (the requisite Shinebolt 461, Ink Type: Blue L, mind you), and a complimentary Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30 Edition, Looseleaf Binder, Grey!

Mara Firetongue: Thank you. I can put my Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents in it!

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m afraid it won’t fit. Sorry to disappoint you.

Mara Firetongue: [grumbling] And so another question. [sighing] Why won’t it fit?

Paper Pusher Martokk: The binder only fits the Business Edition of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 50s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 50s 25c

Mara Firetongue: [banging head on counter]

Paper Pusher Martokk: Oh dear, Ms. Firetongue. Don’t do that to yourself. I thought you had it licked. Buck up! You can do this!

Mara Firetongue: [speaking slowly, quietly] I’d like a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, Business Edtion, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Of course! An initial copy comes free with a business account! Here you go.

Mara Firetongue: That was too easy.

Paper Pusher Martokk: My dear! Did I not say that you catch on more quickly than the others?

Mara Firetongue: That was a question! 10c please!

Paper Pusher Martokk: tsk, tsk, tsk. For shame, Ms. Firetongue. You should know better.

Paper Pushing, Unlicensed, 1st Warning: 1g
Paper Pushing, Union Penalty: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 1g 50s 25c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 25c

Mara Firetongue: Arrrgghh! I was just joking!

Paper Pusher Martokk: There’s nothing funny about Pushing Papers, madam.

Mara Firetongue: [Dejectedly] Okay. What’s the catch with the free Guide?

Paper Pusher Martokk: There is no catch.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 25c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 35c

Mara Firetongue: [sobbing openly]

Paper Pusher Martokk: [whispering] You can do it, Ms. Firetongue, you can do it! Just push on through! Since you’re shelling out several gold in penalties, I’ll slip you a bit for free. There’s nothing wrong with the Guide. It’s just that the new edition comes out tomorrow! And before you ask anything, you can get automatic delivery of updated versions for a small fee! You could get it cheaper by waiting in line tomorrow, but I fear you don’t have the constitution for it!

Mara Firetongue: [sniffling] How much?

Paper Pusher Martokk: [normal voice] 5g per edition

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 35c
Current Balance Due: 3g 50s 45c

Mara Firetongue: [sniffling] Okay. I’d like to get the automatic Business Edition Update for the Guide.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly! Just one moment while I fill out the form.

Automated Update, New Account: 5g
Automated Update, Setup Fee: 1g
Automated Update, Monthly Subscription: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 3g 50s 45c
Current Balance Due: 10g 50s 45c

Mara Firetongue: [Whispering Hoarsely] Where do I go to hire a Paper Pusher for my Barrister filings?

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. You see, Business Accounts with a Balance Due of 10g or more must be paid before any further action can be taken on the account. You’ll want the Black Lion line again, Ms. Firetongue!

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Customer Education: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 10g 50s 45c
Current Balance Due: 10g 51s 55c

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but it’s 3 o’clock, the workday is over. Thank you! Come again!

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CONTINUED

SECOND CONTACT
Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 0

New Client, 2nd Contact: 15c
Previous Balance Due: 0
Current Balance Due: 15c

Mara Firetongue: Okay. Here’s the receipt showing I’ve paid my dues.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Excellent. One moment while I activate the account.

New Account Activation, Personal: 10s
Black Lion Receipt Processing Fee: 10s
Previous Balance Due: 15c
Current Balance Due: 20s 15c

Paper Pusher Martokk: The account is activated.

Mara Firetongue: I would like to buy a copy of the most current Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. The loose leaf version is 1g, the bound version is 2g.

Mara Firetongue: [Expletive] Looseleaf version, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Here you are. Careful now, you wouldn’t want to drop it. We offer complimentary string in the Form Completion Area, if you’d like to practice some knot making. [chuckles]

PPUGPPD, v26228551.9: 1g
Previous Balance Due: 20s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 15c

Mara Firetongue: Thank you. I know it will cost me 10c, but could you please, please tell me what a humble Charr Attorney looking for Paper Pusher help with Barrister filings should focus on?

Paper Pusher Martokk: Yes, I could.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 15c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c

{note: 20 seconds elapse; Chakaa}

Mara Firetongue: Oh. my. gods. I should have known better.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Yes, you should have. But, I must say, you’re catching on much quicker than most of the others. You also seem to be taking it better. Not like that Norn the other day. As a Wintersday gift to you, most humble Charr, the answer to the question you meant to ask is: you should first focus on getting a Business Account, as all Barrister-related matters are classified as Business Transactions.

Customer Inquiry—COMP: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c

Mara Firetongue: [Groaning] I’d like to set up a Business Account, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. I’ll have to cancel your Personal Account first.

Mara Firetongue: Okay! Please cancel my Personal Account.

Paper Pusher Martokk: I can’t.

Mara Firetongue: [Customer’s face is on the counter] ~INAUDIBLE~ [gasping for breath] [shaking head]

{Note: Customer is mumbling, cannot understand speech. May be crying or laughing; Chakka}
{Note: Customer was both laughing AND crying; customer mumbled “this has to be a joke”; Martokk}

Paper Pusher Martokk: There, there! Are you okay? Take a moment to catch your breath. You see, Personal Accounts with a Balance Due of 1g or more must be paid before any further action can be taken on the account.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Medical Status Inquiry: 10s
Previous Balance Due: 1g 20s 25c
Current Balance Due: 1g 30s 35c

Mara Firetongue: Okay, okay, okay. I’m going to the Black Lion line. Wait!

Paper Pusher Martokk: [chuckles]

Mara Firetongue: Oh gods. It might not even be the right line. [Resigned sigh] Do I pay the bal… oh… wait…

Paper Pusher Martokk: [chuckles]

Mara Firetongue: Where do I pay my balance due?

Paper Pusher Martokk: Ha! You pay your balance due in the Black Lion line. Excellent job! You’re getting the hang of it, Ms. Firetongue!

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 1g 30s 35c
Current Balance Due: 1g 30s 45c

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 2nd Class Chakaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 341, Cubicle 1177-Q, Suite L

CUSTOMER SERVICE TRANSCRIPT
Transcriptionist: Wootank
Paper Pusher: Martokk
Customer Service Window #317

FIRST CONTACT
Customer: Mara Firetongue
Account #: 11758339
Current Balance Due: 17s 90c

New Client Contact: 5c
Previous Balance Due: 17s 90c
Current Balance Due: 17s 95c

Mara Firetongue: I would like to buy a copy of the most current Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: You’ll have to setup an account first. Would you like to setup a personal account or a business account?

Mara Firetongue: Personal, please.

Paper Pusher Martokk: Certainly. Just a moment while I fill out your Account Creation Form

New Account Fee, Personal: 10s
Account Form Submission Fee: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 17s 95c
Current Balance Due: 28s 95c

Paper Pusher Martokk: Okay, please sign the form at the bottom. You’ll need to pay your balance due before I can activate the account.

Mara Firetongue: Okay. There’s the form and here’s the coin.

Paper Pusher Martokk: I’m sorry, but I can’t handle coins at this window, only receipts. You’ll need to get into Black Lion line. Once you’ve got your receipt, bring it back and I can activate the account.

Customer Education: 1s
Previous Balance Due: 28s 95c
Current Balance Due: 29s 95c

Mara Firetongue: Are you kidding?

Paper Pusher Martokk: No.

Mara Firetongue: [Loud sigh] Okay.

Customer Inquiry: 10c
Previous Balance Due: 29s 95c
Current Balance Due: 30s 5c

Black Lion Traders

From: Barrington Switzer
To: Jack Flower

Jack,
This should be coming back with Tom and the Golem. They’re full up with coins and the vault is filling up fast. We’re gonna need back up teams and probably a dolyak train during business hours.

Dalk gave up the contracts for our own personal 6 Pushers in perpetuity. He didn’t blink, just thanked us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Asuran that happy. No franchises though.

Okay, you need to get me some help quick. I’m having to stack stuff on the floor.

Barry

Black Lion Traders

From: Jack Flower
To: Barrington Switzer

Barry,
I’m sending Tom and the boys and an Accounting Golem. Not sure if you’ve used one before, but it has a Help menu if you have issues. Just feed it coins and it should work fine.

See about getting us a deal on a Paper Pusher franchise. Maybe we can set something up throught the TP. Also, see about getting us free Pushers of our own. If we ever have to file a case here the fees will eat us alive.

Jack

Black Lion Trader’s

From: Jack Flower
To: Dalk the Talker, Paper Pusher’s Union

Mr. President,
Thank you for your request and your custom. We would be delighted to help you with your banking needs. We have arranged regular transport and an onsite bank manager.

This letter is being delivered by Mr. Switzer, who will setup a small vault and banker’s cage within the Hall. He will work with whomever you wish to setup a payment and receipt system so that your members need not concern themselves with the details of making change and the like. Switzer is a good man and entirely at your service.

Yours,
Jack Flower
Customer Concierge Service

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 30, Communication Log, Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa, Paper Pusher, Paper Pusher’s Union Hall, Main, Headquarters, Rata Sum, Office of Personnel, Directorate of New Accounts, 4th Floor, West Hall, Office 319, Cubicle 3144-A, Suite B

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Personnel Division

Re: Hiring Paper Pushers

To whom it may concern, I would like to hire a Paper Pusher to file my application for Barrister status. I’m told I need to come to your local hall in Rata Sum.

Do I need to make an appointment? Can I get a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers?

Thank you,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FOURTH MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 2s 10c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 2s 45c

OUTGOING

From: Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Mara,
I would be glad to help you hire a Paper Pusher when you arrive in Rata Sum.

No, appointments aren’t necessary, but there will be a line, I’m sure.

No, I cannot give you a copy of “the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers.”

Thank you,
Takaa

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FOURTH REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 2s 45c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 3s

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Personnel Division

Re: re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Takaa,

Thank you for your reply. I see that Pusher fees are still at the bottom of the letters. I fear to ask any further questions, lest I be charged for them.

I may not have asked the right question last time. Perhaps I can keep the charges down by asking better questions. How do I get a copy of the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers? Would it be any cheaper to ask questions at the Union hall?

Thanks,
Mara

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FIFTH MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
EXCESSIVE OVERAGES PENALTY: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 3s
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 4s 35c

OUTGOING

From: Filemaster 3rd Class Takaa
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: Hiring Paper Pushers

Mara,
You’re welcome. Yes, the Pusher fees will be displayed on all letters sent or received by a Paper Pusher. Your assumption, which is buried in your implied question, is correct; all questions incur a fee.

I cannot ascertain whether or not you asked the “correct” question previously. But if you’re asking my opinion, and it appears that you are, then, no, you did not ask the correct question.

Yes, the answer to your tortuously evasive question is, you can keep the bill down by keeping the questions to a minimum. This would appear to be a natural corollary to the information expressed in the first paragraph of this letter. Something to ponder. That one’s free.

Since all Paper Pusher transactions must be documented, it is not possible to evade the fees necessary to lubricate the wheels of justice and economic transactions.

The manual you’re looking for is called the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers and Documents. They haven’t called it the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers in years. I assume you want fees and rates, so you’ll want the most update version. You can buy a copy when you get here.

I look forward to seeing you in the morning. I’m sure you’ll want to avoid any further letter fees. You’re pretty quick for a non-Asura.

Takaa

PUSHER FEE: 5c
FIFTH REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
EXCESSIVE OVERAGES PENALTY: 1s
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
CUSTOMER INQUIRY, IMPLIED: 10c
PROFESSIONAL OPINION, SAME DAY: 10s
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 4s 35C
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 17s 90c

Paper Pusher’s Union, Local 42, Communication Log, Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository, Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Honored Sir,
I have been retained to represent Chuk Tail-Lore in the matter of Roe v. Tixx. Attached please find my Application for Immediate Certification as Barrister. Enclosed is the non-refundable processing fee and the Citizenship Declaration Form.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 5c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status
To Whom It May Concern,
All filings and document transfers must be conducted by licensed Paper Pushers and filed properly. You may find temporary Paper Pusher help at a local Union hall in your area.

Thank you,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 5c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 10c

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Honored Sir,
I am located in the Black Citadel. There isn’t a Paper Pusher’s Union in my area. Can you please provide the contact information for the Union?

What is this fee information at the bottom of the letter?

Respectfully,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 10c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 15c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

To Whom It May Concern,
If you are not an Asuran, you will need to visit them in person at their office in Rata Sum to hire one of your own.

The fee information listed at the bottom of each letter is the amount that the Paper Pusher’s Union charges to handle transactions and inquiries.

Thank You,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
CUSTOMER INQUIRY: 10c
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 15c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 40c

INCOMING:

Offices of Swordstrike, Firetongue, and Longtail

From: Mara Firetongue
To: Clerk Bixxit

Re: re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Sir,
Thank you for the contact information. I’ll hire one tomorrow.

I don’t understand how you can charge me for asking questions without warning me in advance. I don’t even know how to pay the fee!

Sincerely,
Mara Firetongue

PUSHER FEE: 5c
THIRD MESSAGE, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 40c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 75c

OUTGOING:

Office of the Clerk of Courts, Clerk Bixxit the Thorough
From: Flapp the Many Lettered, Paper Pusher, Document Repository
To: Mara Firetongue

Re: re: re: re: re: re: Application for Granting of Barrister Status

Charges and rates can be found in the Paper Pusher’s Union Guide to Pushing Papers.

You can be charged the Pusher Fees because, as was made clear in the PPUGPP, by engaging in discourse with the Courts of the Arcane Council you are automatically consenting to the Fees laid out in the PPUGPP.

You can pay the fees through the Paper Pusher’s Union. Perhaps when you visit the Union hall to hire one.

Thank you,
Flapp

PUSHER FEE: 5c
THIRD REPLY, SAME DAY: 5c
OVERAGE PENALTY: 25C
CUSTOMER EDUCATION: 1s
PREVIOUS BALANCE: 75c
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: 2s 10c

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Droda Nighteyes

I don’t know what I’m looking for or if there’s anything to look for. These guys are going to be in the news a bit, I just want to make sure we don’t get blindsided. Take a peak at the CEO and whoever his deputies are. If you still got nothing, drop it.

Thanks
Ed

Nighteyes Investigations

From: Droda
To: Ed

The PISAPSID research is yielding pretty much what you would expect for a big company that’s been around a while. Lawsuits. Good years. Bad years. Pretty good money. No big problems. Not even local zoning board kerfuffles or that sort of thing. There have been on again, off again legal squabbles between them and Tixx, but all those guys seem to spend a lot of time suing each other. From what I see its pretty normal for their business.

If you want me to keep looking I will, but if you’re looking for something in particular, you’re going to have to point the way.

Droda

The Daily Lion

PISAPSID Holds Quiet Local Giveaways
by: Mokk the Reporter

Shortly after dinner time today, PISAPSID Vice Presidents and other members of management oversaw giveaways of toys to children in towns and farmsteads all over the world. The Wintersday Giftaway was focused on children whose homes and neighborhoods have been hit hardest by the defective toys plaguing Tixx Infinirarium. The Giftaway was not advertised, but was instead organized through local charities and neighborhood organizations.

The PISAPSID managers offered no comment as they gave away dolls and wooden toys, speaking only to the children and their parents and offering quiet words of support. The mood was cautiously festive as the children claimed their unwrapped presents.

PISAPSID Spokesperson Angelica Hewston gave a brief comment shortly after the conclusion of the Ebonshawke Giftaway. “It’s Wintersday. Many families lost everything and continue to live with daily outbursts and falling objects. Families who live in areas affected by worldwide troubles and local warfare deserve a moment’s peace during Wintersday. PISAPSID wants to help them have that moment and some small measure of happiness during this most unusual Wintersday. We wish everyone a joyous Wintersday and hope that you and yours have a safe and relaxing holiday.”

Parents and children in Ebonshawke seemed appreciative. “Dora was heartbroken when the princess doll she asked for went beserk.” offered Mrs. Smythe, a baker in Ebonhawke. “Her grandfather’s heart attack during the incident put a real damper on Wintersday. Mr. Klaxxon gave her the cutest little fuzzy bear. She’s finally fallen asleep after a few tense days. These people are wonderful.”

We have attempted to contact Tixx and Tixx Infinirarium for comment on recent events, but spokespersons for the company said they would not be able to comment until after the holiday.

The Daily Lion

Asuran Courts Move Case; Tensions Rise with Filings
by: Jennifer Wardwood and Karl Beerstein, LANN Distribution Service

Judge Tripp of the Courts of the Arcane Council has scheduled an initial hearing for the Roe v. Tixx case on the day after the conclusion of Wintersday. In the 48 hours since the case was relocated to the Asuran court system, the Office of the Clerk Court has been swarmed by hundreds of Paper Pushers, Barristers, and potential Plaintiffs trying to get their documents filed before the end of Wintersday.

The President of the Paper Pusher’s Union, Dalk the Talker, gazed out over the scene from the arcade, a smile nearly splitting his face in two. “There really isn’t anything quite as amazing as the magnificent efficiency with which the Asuran people approach every task. It is really quite stunning to see in action.”

Toby Hauser, an intern with Ben-Jarvis, Green, Ellis LLP, did not agree with Dalk’s characterization of the scene. “Oh. My. Gods. It’s like trying to navigate the Labyrinth of Deadliness in the dark with a blindfold on! Did you know you can’t actually file anything!? You must hire a Paper Pusher to do it for you! And even if you do file it, it just gets rejected because it must be submitted by a Barrister! Good luck trying to become a Barrister in this century!”

Tensions exploded yesterday when Gretel Bjornsdottir, a Norn who was attempting to join onto one of the many class action suits taking shape, came to blows with several members of the Paper Pusher’s Union and had to be subdued by no fewer than a dozen Peacemakers in full riot gear.

“What a loverly Wintersday,” complained one observer standing outside the Office of the Clerk of Court, “All we need to complete it is for that flying monstrosity to fall, flaming, from the sky.”

The Daily Lion

Tixx Competitors Worried, Cautious
by: Jennifer Wardwood and Karl Beerstein, LANN Distribution Service

This year’s Total Toy Convention, more commonly known as ToyCon, was a subdued affair. Toymakers from around the world displayed their wares, but the usual outrageous and often pyrotechnic demonstrations were not in evidence. Reports of Wintersday toys produced by Tixx Infinirarium attacking members of the public appeared to weigh heavily on the minds of most.

When asked about the somber mood of ToyCon, Siobhan, of Kringle’s Krafts, replied “Toymakers are in a bad spot. Every kid wants new, shiny, exciting toys. But anything that moves and certainly anything autonomous is being eyed with suspicion. We’ve got a 2 year production lead time and right now I’ve got a warehouse of wind-up Dancing Bears that no distributor will dare to buy. We’re not the only ones in this boat either. It’s awful. Just awful for the industry.”

Jon Mendhellson, of Shiverspeak Sleds and Skates, was slightly more optimistic. “We’re fortunate that our market segment is focused on sport and the active lifestyle. We’ve sold out of skates from the new youth lines. We’ve done pretty well on adult models too. I guess parents want to be out there with their kids to keep an eye on things, what with all the giant presents falling from the sky.”

None of the booth representatives for the big toy companies would comment on the record. Most seemed to have gotten little sleep and many spent an inordinate amount of time looking up at the sky and wincing at loud noises.

The management teams of the ToyCon participants held a closed door meeting this afternoon that lasted more than 4 hours. Most of the participants left without comment and those that did were clearly reluctant to say anything at all.

“I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media.” said Ikktak the Enigmatic, CEO of Tixx rival ACME Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID). “PISAPSID toys are educational, durable, and safe. We can’t speak for anyone else. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my grandson asked for a PISAPSID Big Block set and I’m not going to let him down. Happy Wintersday!”

Despite the public statements of the chief rivals to Tixx Infinirarium, the issue of defective toys has clearly struck a nerve. Sources within PISAPSID tell us that within hours of the first reports of homocidal toys, PISAPSID management ordered an immediate safety review of its designs and production facilities. Though their internal review has found no safety issues or violations, management has been exceedingly cautious, going as far as to send out observers to oversee the loading and unloading of packages. “Ikktak told us he’d do whatever it takes to make sure Wintersday can be salvaged. He also told us he’d fire anyone who spoke badly of our competitors. ’We’re all in this together,’ he said and then he got a tear in his eye. ‘Wintersday is what’s important, not this silly business we’re in.’”

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Angelica Hewston; Ikktak the Enigmatic; Jonn, High Secretary; Klaxxon the Verbose

All-
Angie H. is the head of the Comms Office established in the contract. We’ve named the team Central Staffing and all the members will be titled Exec. Secretary. Angie is going to be our designated leaker.

Ikktak, after you finish the interview, the reporter is going to start doing background work. That will include contacting your press office to get statements. Angie is going to be the point of contact. She’s going to “go off script” by “accident” and suggest that PISAPSID was very concerned by recent reports about defective toys and has already conducted a safety review of its toys.

The stance we’re looking to spin is that you’re concerned about safety in general, kids in particular but you’re not blame guy or finger pointing guy. You’re concerned, responsible, quiet guy.

Remember, stick to the script. Let Angie and the Team do the work.

Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Ikktak the Enigmatic; Jonn, High Secretary; Klaxxon the Verbose

We’ve got a major network coming to ToyCon to get a sound bite from Ikktak.

Here’s the format:

Ikktak will walk out of the Director’s Subforum, be slightly surprised and clearly reluctant to see LANN reporter. Reporter will ask what he thinks of “recent events.”

Stick to the soundbite! “Wintersday is a time for joy and happiness. I look forward to spending the holidays with my family.” The reporter will ask a followup, because you didn’t really address “recent events.” Question will likely come in the form of “Have you heard about the accusations against Tixx and his defective toys.” Or something very similar. Doesn’t matter, stick to the script: “I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media, I just know I want to spend a quiet holiday with my family. What more could any of us ask for?”

Chances are good that you’ll have whet the reporter’s appetite by avoiding direct response. Final followup is likely to focus on defective toys. Something like “What do you have to say about the accusations that Tixx’s Wintersday toys are dangerous?” Stick to the script, “I don’t know anything about the accusations in the media. PISAPSID toys are educational, durable, and safe. We can’t speak for anyone else. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my grandson asked for a PISAPSID Big Block set and I’m not going to let him down. Happy Wintersday!”

Ikktak, if you haven’t done this sort of thing before, just memorize the quotes. Repeat them ad nauseam. The reporters aren’t going to ask about the logic of repeating it, so don’t go off script. When in doubt, stick to “Wintersday is a time for joy and happiness. I look forward to spending the holidays with my family.” You’ll do fine.

Stick to the script!

Ed

From: Ed
To: Jenny

Thanks. This makes us even.

Miss you,
Ed

From: Jenny
To: Ed

I’ll be there. Not sure why, but I’ll be there.

Jenny

From: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Jenny,
Have fun. But keep an eye out. Those toys are no joke. We’ve lost two reporters to toy soldiers in the last week.

The new guy just checked in. I’ll send him out to meet you at ToyCon. Be nice to him. He’s good, I promise. Name is Karl Beerstein.

I get any receipts for times before you sent that mail, I’m not paying. Stop with the expense account stretching, already.

Bob

From: Jennifer Wardwood, Sr. Correspondent, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)
To: Bob Newheart, Sr. Producer, Lion’s Arch News Network (LANN)

Bob,
I’m taking Firesword and Newcastle to ToyCon tomorrow. Looking to get some A roll interview with big manufacturers, plus some B roll of toys not attacking people. Any word on the new guy?

Jenny

From: Ed
To: Jenny

You once said I could just drop you a line. Ikktak the Enigmatic will be at The Total Toy Convention. He probably has an opinion on recent events, if someone asked.

Ed

Lion’s Roar Media
—Make a Statement—

From: Edward Laurel
To: Droda Nighteyes

Drop all your projects. Need you guys to do some oppo research on Progeny Imagination Stimulation and Problem Solving Instruction Devices (PISAPSID), LLC. Can’t provide specifics. Look at everything you can. Keep me posted and be discrete.

Ed